I was perusing the blogs at Tiny Buddha and I ran across a post called: Create Your Life: Having Nothing Can Mean Having Everything, by Tova Payne. There was this one line she wrote that really stood out to me and made me pause to reflect on my current circumstances:
Life can get so busy, and often when we don’t like where our life is, we fill it with things to do so that we don’t have to think about our unhappiness.
I thought about how much my life has changed since my divorce, how dissatisfied I feel with chronically finding myself in ill-fitting jobs, and the fact that I wake up everyday feeling like I’m an actress in someone else’s life.
I’ve poured myself into improving my house because it’s the one area where I feel like I am rewarded for my efforts.
But when I read that line, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I’m almost done transforming my house. What will I do with my unhappiness then? Will I continue to find distractions or is the time coming where I’ll have to face it head on and make some serious decisions?
As the questions formed in my mind, I felt the cold knife of fear tear through my chest. These past few years all I’ve done is react to trauma in survival mode. I’ve been picking up the pieces, “patch-working” my life together with the scraps I found lying around and losing my faith in hope.
I feel like the romantic I once was is buried under the harsh realities I’ve faced. I’ve experienced major trauma before, but somehow this time it has left me afraid, a little less bold in risk-taking, heavy.
Maybe my unhappiness stems from feeling like I’m trying to make due with what’s in front of me instead of creating something that’s uniquely mine. I believe that’s why fixing up my house appeals to me so much. I start with a vision of what I’d like it to be and take the steps to bring it into reality.
With my house, my vision is clear. With my life direction, it is not. And I’m running out of house which means I’m also heading right into the fog that is my life.
It seems like I’m going to be left with only 2 choices: 1) face the unhappiness or 2) find another big distraction. No matter what I choose, I have a feeling I’m about to arrive at a defining moment in my life.
Have you ever come to a crossroads like this in your life? Tell me, what did you do?
With love from aneternaltraveler 😉