I Don’t Get It

One day I feel like it all clicks and I am wiser than ever, the next day, I couldn’t feel more spiritually unaware.

Only yesterday I wrote that the key to happiness seemed to be in what we could let go of and figuring out what lights our fire.  It was soooo clear!

Here I am today feeling like I’m back to square one and all my inspiration has left the building.

I’m feeling frustrated because since I’ve committed myself to this path of “finding my true self” I’ve been more up and down than ever.

I know I need to move on from my job because it is a really bad fit, so I said I’d start looking online for another job today.

Instead I stared at the search box half-hoping the job I really want would magically appear.  I HAD NOTHING!

After shouting a bunch of explatives at my screen, my computer must have been offended and decided to crash and burn. Ugh..

I also thought about how when my house was a mess it seemed to act like a parallel to my life. When I worked on it I felt like I was getting somewhere.

Now that it’s pretty much finished, I am feeling the full brunt of my dissatisfaction with my personal life.

I’m some really strong combination of angry, resentful, impatient and disappointed.

Even during meditation today, I fell asleep 😦

I feel like one of these days I’m going to walk out to my car in the morning and instead of heading to work, I’m just going to keep driving and driving, get more gas, and not stop until I drive whatever it is thats in my way right out of me.

I feel fed up. Tired of the non-stop challenges and never-ending attempts at self improvement. Tired of searching and never finding.

And hurt somewhere really deep inside that I can’t find access to heal it. 

If a girl screams in her house and no one is there to witness it, did she really scream?

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Does it even matter?

Aneternaltraveler with a very heavy heart…

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2 thoughts on “I Don’t Get It”

  1. Thanks for taking the time to leave such a well thought out comment. I think you are correct. As I wrote in another post “Distracting Yourself from Your Unhappiness”, being finished with my house is bringing me face to face with my personal unhappiness because I don’t have “work to do” in my house to offset it. I sure hope you’re right about things turning out better than you’d hope for. I’m sure putting in a lot of time and effort into being honest with myself and making progress. I’ll keep going 😉

  2. I’m wondering if you’re feeling all this dissatisfaction and heaviness now because before this you were so busy and in survival mode that you were not able to see your life as it is. Take heart- things do have a way of working themselves out and oftentimes the end result is more than you could have hoped for. You’re brave. You’re facing your problems and life issues head on. Keep going…

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