One day I feel like it all clicks and I am wiser than ever, the next day, I couldn’t feel more spiritually unaware.
Only yesterday I wrote that the key to happiness seemed to be in what we could let go of and figuring out what lights our fire. It was soooo clear!
Here I am today feeling like I’m back to square one and all my inspiration has left the building.
I’m feeling frustrated because since I’ve committed myself to this path of “finding my true self” I’ve been more up and down than ever.
I know I need to move on from my job because it is a really bad fit, so I said I’d start looking online for another job today.
Instead I stared at the search box half-hoping the job I really want would magically appear. I HAD NOTHING!
After shouting a bunch of explatives at my screen, my computer must have been offended and decided to crash and burn. Ugh..
I also thought about how when my house was a mess it seemed to act like a parallel to my life. When I worked on it I felt like I was getting somewhere.
Now that it’s pretty much finished, I am feeling the full brunt of my dissatisfaction with my personal life.
I’m some really strong combination of angry, resentful, impatient and disappointed.
Even during meditation today, I fell asleep 😦
I feel like one of these days I’m going to walk out to my car in the morning and instead of heading to work, I’m just going to keep driving and driving, get more gas, and not stop until I drive whatever it is thats in my way right out of me.
I feel fed up. Tired of the non-stop challenges and never-ending attempts at self improvement. Tired of searching and never finding.
And hurt somewhere really deep inside that I can’t find access to heal it.
If a girl screams in her house and no one is there to witness it, did she really scream?
Does it even matter?
Aneternaltraveler with a very heavy heart…