There are Many Ways to Kill Yourself

There are times in this life when I feel like every effort adds up to nothing. It gets so hard sometimes to think of a way out because your mind is already overburdened with everything you’re already doing to get through the day.

How do you decide what can be let go of when it seems like each pieces has been perfectly placed to keep all the other pieces from falling?

It feels like a life constructed of scrap materials you’ve collected along the way.

You keep accepting less and less of what you want, until one day you no longer know what you want, but you’re sure you don’t want the life you’ve made.

You’ve compromised so much for so long you’re not sure how to reach for more or what that “more” even is.

turning point

If someone asked you what you want, you’d probably start describing everything you don’t want because you’re not sure how to answer that question in the affirmative.

All you know is that you’re heading towards a point where you’re ready to chuck it all, one way or another!

It turns out that there are many ways to kill yourself.  I’ll give a few examples,

  1. You can compromise yourself out of existence.
  2. You can actually kill your physical self
  3. You can “kill” what you’ve become up until this point and start over brick by brick.

Personally, I’ve done #1, attempted #2, and I’m mighty curious about #3 right now.

So, in ever growing desperation for solace and solutions, I ordered Jack Canfield’s, “The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You are to Where You Want to Be.”

I literally couldn’t find a bad review for this method and trust me, I searched out to 50 pages on google.  Now that either means it works if you work it or they have a really good IT team scouring and purging the web of bad reviews.

Now, I also have Louise Hay’s, “You Can Heal Your Life”, which feels more like a therapeutic compliment to Jack’s book.

I’d like to experiment with putting the two together to create a therapeutic plan of my own designed to:

“Heal My Life as I Get to Where I Want to Be” (see what I did there?  Pretty creative, eh?)

walk through a wall

I feel a lot of pressure building up inside of me and the need for a radical change to jump start my life again.

To piggyback on Bernard Malamud’s words of wisdom, I feel like I’ve got some serious walls to break through to get where I need to go.

Down the not too distant road I envision myself also doing a few other daring things far more daunting than buying books from amazon.com.

I’ve come to realize that there are a few things that are a big deal to me.

  1. Pay Off Debt Completely:  Sell my house and most of my things.
  2. Heal My Life: Use the money left over to go live somewhere dirt cheap, whether that’s in the USA or overseas doesn’t matter to me.  I need a place to work on my “therapeutic plan”.
  3. Help Others: Reach a point where I’m on the other side of it all and turn it into a How-to-Guide for others experiencing the same thing.

turn the page or close the bookIn a nutshell, that is what I want.  Pretty much nothing else feels as import as achieving these 3 goals right now.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I do know it hurts too much to keep doing what I’m doing for too much longer.  I also know that I’m at the point where I’ve finally found something to fight for and I’m willing to die trying.  And that is a feeling I haven’t had for anything in quite a long time.

In one of the beginning chapters of Jack Canfield’s book he asks us to write our purpose.  Here is mine.  This is what I live for.  This is why I want to do everything I do.  This is why I need to do what I need to do to get where I want to go.

“My purpose is to use my creativity and insight to support and inspire you to fulfill your life purpose, to reach your greatest potential and finally be at peace within yourself and with others. ” 

So, to I will leave you with this recently home-cooked meal as food for thought,

“This is my life.  It belongs to no one else.  I only have this one to live.  I can live it in any way I choose.  If I choose life, then I must make it the best one I can.  I have a responsibility to respect my own existence and do whatever it takes to bring out the best of myself and offer up my talents as gifts to this world. ”

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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