Hoovering – How The Narcissist Tricks You Into Breaking No Contact

Hoovering – How The Narcissist Tricks You Into Breaking No Contact.

Fantastic article about some of the many ways a narcissist messes with your head.  Had to press it for you all to see.

with love from anternaltraveler 😉

The Formula for Success

Pessimist vs OptimistDuring childhood we were read fairy tales to show us a world of possibilities; that we could do anything no matter what. We dreamed of the kind of person we would be someday.  Memories of those stories kept us motivated to carry on when the bullies came, the name calling started, the awkwardness of puberty set in. We knew that someday we’d be the hero/ine. We’d come out on top.

Funny how just when you’re old enough to be able to make fairytales come true, you’re told that you’re living in a fantasy world and it is time to grow up. As a result, you spend the next stage of your life coping with the disillusionment, certain you were cheated out of your shot at happiness, and trying to find workarounds.

It seems like the most successful people somehow manage to weave the two together.

Take Steve Jobs, who was quoted saying, “I’m convinced that about half of what separates the successful entrepreneurs from the non-successful ones is pure perseverance.”  I interpret this to mean that it is great to have a dream, but the successful dreamer sticks with the dream until it is brought into reality.  This can be applied to more than our careers.  It is a way of life. A way of thinking.

Ask yourself this question.

When your optimism for achieving a goal runs out, what do you have left to get you there?

A lot of people will change the goal when their tolerance for waiting for “someday” fades out. They will say, oh well I guess it wasn’t meant to be. On to the next thing (which they hope will be easier to achieve). Successful people persevere with the same goal until it is reached. They dream big, take small steps and simply arrive.

For a long time in my life I thought that I was a very scattered person in terms of my goals. I felt like I had many things I wanted to achieve and they weren’t necessarily related. I often thought I was a failure because of this. I realized later that what you see on the surface is not necessarily the actual goal you are chasing. When I looked deeper, I saw the golden thread that weaved it all together.

Let me give you some examples of what I mean by inviting you on a journey though a part of my life – my college career.

I love to sing. I heard there were tryouts for the coveted spot of lead vocalist of the Big Band. I was a freshman and everyone told me not to bother auditioning because a freshman never gets selected. There were plenty of advanced musicians with more experience and know-how to choose from. I auditioned my heart and soul that day and poured years of pain and passion into every note as I sang a jazzy version of “Summertime” from the opera Porgy and Bess. A week later, I learned that I got the spot. I was the first freshman to do so and I led the way for the next ones.

I was proud but then I thought, what in the world did that have to do with being a Biology major?

The years went on and in my Senior year I wanted an independent study in the Biology dept., but my research idea was dropped by the lead researcher at the last minute due to changing priorities. I was now facing the new reality of failing out of school since that was my whole grade that semester. So, what did I do? I nagged the hell out of every department head in the Science building; Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, with the belief that someone had a project they wanted to get off the ground and were waiting for someone like me to come along and bring it to fruition. Finally, a Physical Chemistry professor took a bite and I said yes, even though I knew it would require some serious crash courses in advanced Microbiology and an understanding of laser technology even before I could begin! So, I found more professors willing to take a chance on me and teach me on the side what I needed to know. I asked for an extension and worked through the summer. I completed the project and not only did I successfully answer the research questions, but I also took it a step further and ended up creating a Biochemistry Lab that was used to help students understand more deeply how this enzyme worked for years to come.

So what’s the point of these examples? How do these seemingly unrelated goals relate to the core message of this post?

Here’s how…lying beneath everything I’ve done my whole life is a burning desire for answers and an unrelenting drive to use my potential to help others reach theirs. I believe this is my purpose. This is what motivates every decision I make and every goal I set. And in that way, no matter what I do on the surface, underneath the main goal remains the same.

Persevering each step of the way is from a commitment to arrive at the destination I’m driven towards. When I’m at my best I can feel the creative sparks flying everywhere. I am dreaming big AND I am making it happen even when people say it is impossible. This is sometimes called, Flow. It occurs every time our passion and purpose align in perfect harmony and we stop thinking and simply do.

You don’t have to compromise your dream of being the hero/ine in your own life just because you’re an adult and there are responsibilities. The greatest responsibility you have is to yourself.

Don’t let anyone ever convince you that growing up equals giving up.

— with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Best 30 Day Challenges

30-day-challenge-ideasI have done a couple of 30 day challenges and I really like them.  I wondered if any of you have done a 30 day challenge that has changed your life and if you’d pass it on to me.  Can I get your advice?  I’d like to come up with some great ideas that can improve my life and the lives of others and make a blog about it.

I’ve done the green smoothie challenge and a gratitude challenge and they were fabulous.  I walked across Spain in (almost) 30 days.

I thought about these:

30 days working out for 30 min./day – everyday

30 days no TV

Any ideas my fellow bloggers and loyal followers?

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Top 11 Reasons to Bail on a Relationship: SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

turn the page or close the book

For a long time, I used to think that I was terrible at relationships because of my divorces, but the flip side of divorce can be a much greater understanding of what works in a relationship and what doesn’t. Of course the caveat is that you must actually take the time and make the effort to breakdown, grieve, get real with yourself and come out the other side with peace AND understanding.

So when I did this and then ventured back out into the dating world, I had a whole different view on myself, my needs, and my expectations in a relationship. I knew what values needed to be in place, the kind of emotional connection necessary, the humor, attitude, character, etc. that would work best for me.

I had learned to take care of myself which was terrifying at first, but became a source of great empowerment to me. I didn’t need someone to complete me. I discovered that I am already whole.

If you’re anything like me you love lists. So compact and to the point.  So here’s my list of the TOP 11 Reasons You Need to Bail on A Relationship. As a side note, this can of course apply to female partners as well, but I am writing from the perspective of a hetero female 😉

1. He doesn’t comfort you in your worst moments. He actually often makes it worse by arguing with you, laughing at you or showing no emotion or inappropriate emotion.

2. He thinks of himself first and leaves you what’s left or nothing at all.

3. He thinks that s/he can buy your love to make up for the lack of emotional intimacy.

4. You can’t imagine him caring for you if you were old, sick, or dying. In fact you might imagine him trying to get sympathy in public and treating like garbage behind closed doors.

5. He makes you feel worse about yourself when you’re together and brings out the worst in you. You are not growing emotionally or spiritually with him.

6. You spend more time talking about the relationship than enjoying being in one.

7. The bad times start to outweigh the good and hardly a day or two goes by without conflict.

8. Nothing ever gets resolved because he manipulates the situation with threats (suicide, leaving, withholding etc.), putdowns, avoidance, playing dumb (gaslighting), managing down your expectations by teaching you that fighting with him isn’t worth the trouble so you better start expecting less.

9. He’s over 30 and still afraid of what his family thinks about him, you or your relationship.  He puts more effort into making sure they are comfortable instead of you. He makes you look bad in front of his family. This man will not have your back (unless of course it suits him). He is not a reliable partner. Good time, yeah! Bad times….not so much.

10. He has a history of cheating while in a committed relationship. Whether or not he cheats on YOU sexually, I guarantee you that this kind of behavior is a whole mindset that is based on superficiality, entitlement and instant gratification. This is not a guy who goes the distance. He won’t keep promises he makes no matter how often he says so.

11. If his words don’t match his actions, judge the actions. That’s what counts.

Commitment is great, but make sure it is to someone who is really committed to your happiness too.

Would you add anything based on your experience?

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Making Excuses Rather Than Decisions

Decided to take a break from Sunday chores and search the web for inspiration.  I ran into an article on the blog Marc and Angel Hack Life  about the 10 Things You Must Give Up to Move Forward. Maybe I’m just procrastinating from going back to chores, but I thought it was worth taking a moment to post some thoughts.

All of the points Marc makes are great, but one stood out to me in particular (#8).  I really can’t stand when people make excuses for why their life didn’t turn out the way they hoped for — as if it were completely out of their control.

# 8 Making excuses rather than decisions. – Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving.  A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it. Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions.

The last line is so important.  You have a choice about the outcome.  It is like that expression – “if you fail, try, try, try again”.  The moment you give up, you’ve made another choice and taken away all chances of success.  It is guaranteed failure.  

No matter what you decide, be willing to accept the consequences that come with it.  If you are successful due to your perseverance, don’t call it luck.  It was the result of YOUR efforts and determination.  Give yourself credit. Conversely, if you gave up, be honest about why you are not where you thought you’d be. Own it.

Intentions are great but as the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.  Instead stop making excuses, decide to do what it takes, and do it consistently.

That’s the not so big secret to success.

Yeah, yeah, Ok….going back to the chores now….

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Self-Love is NOT the Cure for Self-Hate

A step in the journey to self-love - Camino de Santiago.
A step in the journey to self-love – Camino de Santiago.

Self-love is not the cure for self-hate, it is the result of a healing process.

You must make your mind up that you will love yourself, but then go through the healing process. Most people just wear a mask of fake self-love or pretend to be selfless, but that’s not what it is.

You can’t fake it till you make it. You have to do the work to get to the other side. There are no shortcuts.

Here’s my 5 step plan. It’s what I did. It worked for me. It may work for you too.

Cry if you have to cry

If you’re in pain just admit it and mourn it properly. Stop trying to deny it. Stop taking it out on other people. Just take some private time and admit you’re pissed about your dad, mom, upbringing, how you feel shorted, spoiled, at whatever disadvantage, feel victimized, abused, unheard, ugly, whatever it is. Cry it out as far as you can. Then, dry your eyes and go do something else that’s comforting and nurturing. Take a bath, a run, a ride on a bike or in your car, put on your favorite music, call a friend, read a book, jump up and down or do a happy dance. You just got real with yourself, mourned it, and let it be. You don’t need to dwell on it all damn day.

Stop Being Selfish

You spend all day long thinking of just yourself. Oh I hate myself, I suck, I’m not worthy, nobody likes me, everybody thinks I’m a loser, I have no friends…and on and on.
Turn off the broken record and go help someone out. Become a volunteer at an organization for people who are way worse off than you. I bet you probably have a home, food, a nice place to sleep, some money in your pocket. Lots of people don’t.

Challenge yourself with something that will prove to yourself what you’re capable of

I took a walk across a country for 500 miles to show myself what I was made of instead of continuing to assume I’m not capable. I just stopped my bitching and got moving. It scared the shit out of me. I did it anyway.  Just that move showed me that I was courageous. What can you do to put yourself in that position? Because right now I’m sure you just have a long list of reasons why you suck and things you’re not good at. Why not find something that would test whether that’s true? Something where you’d have to make it work and prove yourself to yourself. I guarantee you will pleasantly surprise yourself.

Do little things that consistently make you feel good and proud of yourself

Some of the things that make me feel content are not in any way exciting sounding. In fact they are pretty mundane and ordinary, but they make me feel good inside. For example, I really like making sure my kitchen is clean. I like when I manage to cook a healthy meal and eat at home even when take out tempts me. I like when my cat eats all her food and is active and healthy. It makes me feel like I’m doing a good job of caring for another being. I feel loved for it in return (in the way only a cat can show:) I like when I have my best friend over and we talk even for a few minutes because I feel connected and enjoy exchanging ideas and humor over life’s adventures. I love bubble baths and when take care of myself and get enough sleep so I am ready for the next day. So you see, it doesn’t have to be some expensive thing or big ta-da – you don’t need surround sound in your living room or a better satellite package, you don’t need stuff. You need to do things that you feel good about. That make you feel proud of yourself. Things you can do everyday.

Maybe you’re right 

Maybe people don’t like you. Maybe you’re a genuine pain in the ass. Maybe you don’t take responsibility for your life and your actions. Maybe YOU need to change that instead of asking people to feel sorry for you. Maybe there really are good reasons why you feel these things. Maybe you’re putting your energy into manipulating people and whining instead of healing yourself. Maybe you should get off your ass and make the necessary adjustments to be a better person to the people around you and for the world you live in instead of waiting passively for someone to come along who “gets you” and makes you falsely feel “all better”.

The healing process sucks. I’m not going to lie. But what’s the alternative? — Keep bleeding out all over yourself and others? C’mon. I know you can do better than that. You deserve more than that. Go get it!

–with love from aneternaltraveler 😉