Fix it.

It is true that a picture speaks a thousand words and this one really spoke to me. Here’s what bubbled up…

I wish that people could be counted on more to stick around and be dependable. I wish our whole society cared more about making things last than making them easier to replace. I wish love still existed in real life and that movies showed us what it really is. I wish I saw more people holding hands having grown old together so we’d have examples to learn from. I wish I saw them smiling at each other still so I could ask them why.  I wish people solved more problems than they made.  I wish people could be brave especially when they’re scared. I wish we would apologize more, lie less, and value each other more. I wish we cared as much about another persons “skin” as we do our own. I wish people still thought they knew “the right thing” to do and did it.  I wish we would mend the hearts we break. I wish we’d really listened to each other with a curiosity to truly understand another person. I wish by saying all these things I didn’t sound “old-fashioned” but I know I do. How about you?

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What’s Your Type?

There was this awesome line in an ok movie I just saw called “Brightest Star”.  During a conversation between these two guys; one who was stuck on this one girl and didn’t want anyone else and another who couldn’t take any one woman seriously. It went something like this,

Guy 1: Are you still stuck on the girl?

Guy 2: Yeah man, isn’t it ever hard for you to get over a girl?

Guy 3: No, not really.  I see it this way. It’s not so much THE GIRL. It’s more like each girl is just another one on the path to the next one.

I thought, BAM that’s it!  There ARE two kinds of guys and it’s NOT how we typically categorize the types.

It’s not just: Type 1: the monogomous Type 2: the whore.  

It’s more like: Type 1: The guy who really put his heart into the woman he was with, so he grieves when she’s gone.  Type 2: They guy who moves on quickly because he was never invested that much anyway.

I guess I want a guy who really invests his heart, and soul too, not just a monogamous paycheck.

The more I think about it, a lot of people are monogamous for a lot of reasons. It doesn’t mean they’re really into you. They can be comfortable, have kids with you, financially dependent, etc. So, while being a one-woman-man is super important, that’s really only half the equation.

If man’s history is such that they move on so quickly to” the next girl on the path”, where does that leave you right now?  Not very stable or very special at all. How likely is it that he will stick around when times are tough? Very unlikely. Ya can’t build much on a quicksand foundation.

So here’s the rub — if you want to be with someone who will be there “through good times AND bad, sickness and health”, then pick the guy that is already built to last. Date the guy that actually WANTS things to work and would do all it takes to make it work.

Cause there’s no way you’ll turn Type 2 into Type 1.  You can’t make a man decent, he has to show up that way.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

“I never stopped believing it’s gotta be you, it’s just gotta be me too.”

40 Days of Rejection: Could you Handle It?

love-dare

“You never leave your partner! Especially in a fire!”

Fireproof is one of those movies that teach you so many important lessons about what it is to be a decent person. To live right, to love right, to be right in yourself and with others. It is, first and foremost, a movie about what it takes to make a relationship work and though it is religiously based, it doesn’t detract one bit from the truth of the message. Some things are just universal truths.

Some men are so concerned with getting respect and admiration that they don’t realize how little they really give to their partner. They put their time into impressing their bosses and coworkers or buddies. They have everyone’s back but their wives/girlfriends. They often know very little about who their wives/girlfriends even are!

When their relationship falls apart, they think it is out of nowhere; that it is a sudden occurrence. They’ve been ignoring the women in their lives for so long they only notice her at her worst and when everything is at its breaking point.  If they acted towards their bosses the way they treat their partner, they wouldn’t have a job for very long either. You get more of what your put your attention on.

Many men at this point think that the problem is that the woman just doesn’t appreciate them right or they call women crazy. Then without any second thought of the relationship, the person they were with, the time invested, they just move on to someone new and shiny.

Some men are so busy playing the field when they can’t even figure out how to keep one woman happy. It is never their fault.  It is easier to “throw a person away and start over” than to look at yourself squarely in the mirror and fix yourself; to become the kind of man that’s worthy of even one woman.

So many men think if they “just find the right woman”, she’ll treat him right.  He’s bought into this idea that he’s perfect and just needs the “right woman” to recognize it. The mantra of these guys is something like, please don’t be crazy, because after all he does nothing to make her miserable.  She did this all to herself.

It is never his problem, but he’s always starting over again with someone new. How can this be?

No matter how many times he’s seen his relationships fall apart or never really gel, he keeps on believing the false idea that he’s a good guy/the injured party waiting for the right woman.

It is sad really because if most men put in the work and dedicated themselves to one woman they could in fact BE the men they imagine themselves to be and have the lifetime of happiness that they dream of. As it is though, that remains a distant and unattainable fantasy for many men. Too much ego and false pride keep them from true happiness.

Of course, I won’t leave you hanging with a sad story.  There is hope! There is something you CAN do about it to change your relationships and change your life for the better!

The Love Dare asks you to commit to 40 days of challenging yourself to genuinely love someone. In the movie the father gives this book to his son as a challenge when his marriage is about to end in divorce. To whet your whistle for the movie or if you choose to click on the link above and take the challenge, here is the introduction to what you’re about to take on,

This forty day journey cannot be taken lightly.
It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly fulfilling one.
To take this dare requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.
It is not meant to be sampled or briefly tested, and those who quit early will forfeit the greatest benefits.
If you will commit to a day at a time for forty days, the results could change your life, and your marriage.

Again, you don’t have to be married for this to improve your relationship and ultimately your life.  As the preface says, you have to have determination and resolve because, “Love, in its truest sense, is not based on feelings. it is a determination to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward”….and don’t just follow your heart,  ’cause your heart can be deceived. But you gotta lead your heart.”

So I come back to the beginning of this post, “You never leave your partner! Especially in a fire!” 

In the movie, Caleb was a firefighter and he understood this concept in his job.  By the end of the movie, he understood how this applied to his wife and to his marriage.  Ultimately, by accepting the challenge with all his heart and taking the heat, he did save his marriage and changed both their lives.

Change your relationships. Change your life.

Start here:
Love Dare Movie
Love Dare Book (free)

– with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Waiting for Closure: Don’t Put Your Life on Hold

When things end differently than we expect, especially when we’ve invested a lot, it can be really hard to move past the outcome.  The phrase most often heard to describe this is “needing closure”.  In some situations I believe closure can be achieved, in others not so much. Hanging on to getting it in these situations can put your whole life on hold.  And you deserve better than that, don’t you think?  I think you do 🙂

I’ve recently extricategood intentions vs characterd myself out of a really bad relationship that I’ve been hanging onto for about 1 year. It was one of those situations where you keep thinking it will get better because it is “not so hard to fix”. You believe that he will move beyond making promises and finally take action. You think the meanness will stop. I began to hold on to the few moments of happiness in between the pain thinking that the 10% could become 90% if we talked enough. You start asking yourself what you’re doing to cause it or if you’re imagining things because it seems so unreal. I’ve never done such mental gymnastics to be in a relationship in all my life.

it's not personalHe claimed he was here for me, but sabotaged every important moment in my life. He badmouthed me to his family to the point that they hated me and then invited me to drive 6 hrs. to spend Thanksgiving with them. He caused drama in an attempt to come between my best friend. Then, he’d buy me expensive”I’m sorry” gifts as if that should make it all better. He’d tell me how much he wanted to spend his life with me, but could never manage to get past his selfishness to actually include someone else.  As he often reminded me – “I just don’t think about you when you’re not around”. Nice. So, yeah he was here for me, but not in any way that you’d want to have someone around.

I just couldn’t understand how someone could be so consistently hurtful.  It is, after all, so easy to be nice and kind.  The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.  Particularly if you really want to spend your life with someone. I took so much crap from this man.  I didn’t like who I was around him.   He put on a good show in front of friends and family, but in private, I rarely smiled, cried a lot,  didn’t want to be intimate with him in any way.  I was completely unclear why I stayed or invited him back again and again.  Somehow he would always find a way back and it would always be worse the next time.

Finally he had done something so horrible to me while I was heavily turn the page or close the bookmedicated and sleeping, that I was done with giving out chances. But my mind still wanted answers for how someone could behave in such horrific ways. Why, why, why?

So, I wanted to share some thoughts with you that have been helping me move forward even though I have not gotten any answers or asked him to make sense of it for me.

First Lesson: Who Cares?wpid-20140625_161727.jpg
If a person cares about you they would never disrespect and humiliate you – EVER. If they do and you tell them and they don’t do better or feel remorse, this is a reflection of their shitty character.  It is not a judgement of who you are. People who care take care of you especially when you’re weak.

Second Lesson:  Invest Wisely
Sometimes we invest so heavily in someone that we feel we are owed a return on investment. But in fact, it is a lot like the stock market, there is NO guarantee.  Also, there are some “stocks”, like men, that are simply better performers.  They have shown what they’re made of over time. If I had taken his “portfolio” to heart, I’d have walked away from a man who was a serial cheater during his entire marriage, who blamed his ex-wife for his unhappiness, and also bad-mouthed her to his family while never revealing his misdeeds at any time.  After all he started to do the same things to me.  Every time we’d have a fight he was out on the online dating websites trolling for new women to stroke his ego, he’d bad mouth me to his family, and told me that if he ever killed himself, it would be my fault because I make him so unhappy.  Yeah.  Sometimes, you have to cut your losses ladies and admit that you put your trust, time and energy in an undeserving man. Just walk away and learn something that will make you invest more wisely next time.

Third Lesson:  Where’s the Apology…the Explanation?
Waiting for the apology that never comes can be infuriating. It is kind of a waste how much faith and belief I put into a man who has shown no integrity in his thoughts or deeds.  Even though he’s let you down more times than you have fingers and toes to count on, frustrationyou hold out hope that he will care enough about you to suddenly realize how “worth it” you are and rush in like a knight to prevent losing you. I assure you that you ARE worth it. He just is lacking the integrity present in decent human beings. Think of yourself like a placeholder more than a significant person to him and it will make a lot more sense. Anyone who stands in that spot gets that treatment. Trust me, I wanted an explanation for his despicable behavior towards me. An account of how he could bring himself to commit a crime against me. An apology. I didn’t get any of that. Not for days after. Not now. Nothing except complete denial as he walked out and slammed the door at me crying in a heap on the floor. Used and discarded like trash. Good men just don’t do this. Period.  


mean what you promiseIt takes time to get past all this sludge  because we want our hurt, our experience to matter to the one who does the hurting. We want them to feel bad about making us feel bad. We want them to make good on their promises. It is normal and healthy for people to interact in a caring way about people they care about and most people are decent.  For example, I hurt you. I apologize sincerely. I don’t do it again.  You accept.  We move on stronger and deeper. But some people really don’t give a shit about you or your needs or the fact that you are a person with feelings, let alone that you were in a relationship with them.

The thing is that the longer we hold on to our desire for “admission of wrongdoing” from the one who hurt us, the longer they are left in charge of our personal power.  And nobody should have access to that wheel except you should they? No. They shouldn’t. So, let’s just take that back, shall we?

What we really want is to just feel better. We want all the yuckiness to clear out so that we can feel good again. It is more of an internal/emotional shift that we are looking for from another person.turning point

Luckily that is a gift we can give ourselves, much like forgiveness. We have to do it all the time really when you think about it.   We know that the rest of the world, our coworkers, strangers, etc are not responsible for our feelings, right? So, if we apply that to relationship “closure” we don’t really need the other person to help us move on do we? No. We don’t 🙂

I would say instead of trying to deny it or drink, drug, or shop your way out of it……

Do this instead: 

  • Just acknowledge that something sucky happened. Don’t pretend you’re not hurt just so you look all “together”.  That’s just gonna mess you up for interacting with other humans. It doesn’t mean your weak, it means you’re human.
  • Get real about the feelings you have – name them. Are you sad, hurt, humiliated, betrayed, violated*. You get to decide what’s important and significant to you.  Nobody else can tell you what’s real for you or how bad it hurts. Don’t compare yourself to others.
  • Resist the need for outside approval. You don’t need others to validate your feelings.  Learn to accept and acknowledge your own state of being and consider it valuable. This way you can trust what you want and need for yourself. Use your own voice!
  • Learn something as you process this life moment. It will help you make different decisions next time. Nobody’s perfect or has all the answers and that’s ok because we’re designed that way.
  • Finally, give yourself the gift of closure by honoring yourself, remembering you are awesome, and that sometimes other people really suck and that’s not got a darn thing to do with you.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

*If you feel that a crime has been committed against you, I would add to the list that you consider contacting authorities and taking appropriate legal action.