Starting Over….Again

This Sunday would have been the day I took one of my dream trips – to San Francisco.  I was so excited. Planning all the cool spots I could visit! At work the parents even got me an REI gift certificate so I could gear up.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was no longer going.

You see my boyfriend asked me to tag along on a business trip to San Fran and bought me a plane ticket. It was supposed to be a reward for all my non-stop hard work getting my teaching certification while still working full-time.

Then, he decided to break up with me by text message almost 3 weeks ago. We’d been together for 1 year and it all ended by the use of a moden telegraph – the dreaded text  – no phone call, no face-to-face, no San Francisco.  I was told, “Sadly, that won’t be happening”.

I didn’t respond. What does one say to such disrespect? I decided silence would be the best response.  I gave him time to reconsider his foolish action, if even to call back to say, ” I’m sorry that was stupid. I didn’t even consider what you’d feel or have to say.”  Here it is nearly 3 weeks later and radio silence.

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He will head off on “our” trip alone in two days. I wonder if he will imagine the joy it would have been to explore together, what it would have been like if he’d only managed to treat me with care and witness me blossoming from his kindness. He will not have my smile beaming towards him. My childlike laughter and enthusiasm will fade away from his memories, eventually forgetting the joy that was once the impetus for him becoming a better man. Will he remember how we planned to “the moon and beyond” together? We had it all mapped out. 2 year plan, life plan.

What could bring a person to build and plan with another like that and on the other hand unceremoniously end things by text?

It’s taken me all this time to process the range of feelings. The pain has been so severe and deep, it has actually felt physical. I’d wake up in pain, fall asleep crying, and wash the tear stains away the next day and keep going on. I’d cry on the way to work and clean my face before I arrived. I’d hold it in all day and when I drove off and cleared my school, I’d burst out again.

None of the crying made the phone ring, made him care more, made him want to try until he got things right between us. It was just for me. Oh how I wished for him to call and tell me he was joking. How many times I wanted to call, text, or email him!  I had to keep from doing that.

Each time I was tempted, I reminded myself that he knew very well how I felt about texting let alone using this format for a breakup. He knows he slapped me hard across the face. The message was loud and clear – I don’t want to be with you.

“Don’t try to be with a man whose actions show he doesn’t want to be with you.”  That was my mantra. He knows where he left me, if he wanted to, he’d know where to find me. After 3 weeks he hasn’t even looked.

I am so glad I could finally write this from another place inside. I wanted to share the rawness with you but I was in too much pain to speak my truth. Thank you for reading and listening now.

I’m crawling back out of my hole again. I’ve begun doing things that are productive and meaningful to me. I finally got to work on house projects such as re-doing my bathtub or repainting my back steps. That has helped me see things differently. It pulls me out of the fog and sadness.

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I’ve also decided to start dating again. I have to say it has been nice laughing with someone on a date again.  The conversations are interesting and lively. The time flies.

This is so much better than being told something is wrong with me all the time. My ex would actually work with his therapist to “diagnose my mental illness” so he could get along with me better. Once, he even interrupted an argument we were having to text his therapist what to do.

The ridiculousness of it all. So many hurtful moments, so many attempts to forgive and go on, so much wasted opportunity.  I will never understand why he couldn’t just love me for me and chose to pursue a “mental-illness” label instead. It was so heartless and unloving. Always a new diagnosis.

I’m so relieved to be free of being constantly seen as “defective or broken”. It is good to be liked as me. I haven’t felt that with a man since I’ve been dating my ex.

He said he just wanted to make me happy.  Yet, to do so, he’d only have to follow-through on his words and promises. Consistently.  That’s it.  He walked away instead. So, I guess there was something he wanted more.

So, here I am … Starting over…again…

A journey……to be continued….

–with love from aneternaltraveler

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2 thoughts on “Starting Over….Again”

  1. Good insight! Behavior like this is so hurtful. Actions do speak louder than words and if you always have to dictate to the person what to do then he’s just not that in to you. You are never gonna feel worth if you keep telling people what you are worth!

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