Killer Pain

To many people the idea of killing oneself is spiritually damning. It is a sign of weakness a mark against ones character. Recently, I saw a definition that resonated better with my view: suicide is a choice you make to end the pain when you have more pain than resources to deal with it.


Anyone who has gotten to this point understands vividly the prison poem pasted above by Mahvash Sabet.  Staying alive despite pain is not about willpower. At some point if I keep putting heavier weight on your shoulders,  you’ll collapse.  It is simplier than that and people try too hard to complicate it with catch phrases of hope when it is more like 2 + 2.

You can’t deal with people or things in general when you don’t have a grasp on what you’re dealing with. You don’t bring hope to a math test, vut forget your pencil. That’s what I’m bringing across here to you now.

One of my pet peeves is that often you hear people say things like, why didn’t they tell someone? or I feel so bad, I wish I knew. I would have helped. What a shame. Look. We do tell you, but you can’t take your face out of your phone, you’re too busy for our “drama”, your advice is a version of “chin up” or some other invalidating comment. We know we need support that’s why we reach out and when nobody reaches back or makes excuses, it gets harder to deal with the weight on our shoulders.  There is no one to share the load. You see? It becomes more mathematical than emotional. Add it up.

My pain level is very high right now. I can always tell by the frequency with which I have suicidal fantasies. Nothing I’m doing is working. Getting out to meet people/ socialize, distracting myself or talking to someone all are not doing it.

I feel like I need to be understood and I’m not getting that need met. This is as the poem states, the loneliest state of being.

While most people have a five year plan about how they are going to accomplish things in their lives, I have one as a failsafe.  I work on things to prepare for that time just in case I have to pull the switch.  For example, I renovate my house so when the time comes, whether I sell or bequeath the other person is without burden. Over these next 5 yrs I will work to pay off my debt, again so that I don’t leave a mess behind.

I always feel if you want to make a plan to die, you should be responsible. I mean it is a serious decision in that you can’t come back from so no matter how much pain you have, be responsible with the life you leave behind for others. Make as little mess as possible so that you can slip out relatively quietly.

As far back as I can remember I have been trying to find meaning for life. I think I caught on pretty early that there isn’t one. Most of us just try to stay busy and fill up our time with things that give us moments of pleasure. I guess some of us cope better with that reality than others.  Perhaps they have a great support group that shrinks their pain down. Maybe they feel loved and understood.  I do not have that and as much as I’ve tried with all my might, I haven’t been able to form one either. I am certain that impacts my pain levels and solitude.

I never really did figure out how to get life quite right, especially the important stuff like relationships.  The pain is just too much and too frequent. I am good at planning though and I’m very responsible so that is the skill set I’ll use in completing my 5 year plan. I feel pretty confident, I can get that right.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

2 thoughts on “Killer Pain”

  1. One valuable thing I learned from rejection and breakups is that I am enough, all by myself; I am valuable in this world to some people, and that the measure of my life and my happiness is not my relationship, but in loving myself. It was a long, hard road to travel, but I eventually learned self love. I hope that you can learn this as well. Decent article here:

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the article, Chris. As far back as I can remember I seem to have been working on loving this child within me. My 2nd divorce really made me hit bottom and I had to rebuild brick by brick inside. I learned thaI I don’t need someone else to be ok and have been taking care of business on my own for years now. It is not so much that I think being with someone else gives my life value and meaning. It is that I was finally ready to have a partner again and was heartbroken to discover that while I was all in, he was not. When it all ended in such an ugly fashion, I was left with more questions than answers. Blogging is a way for me to process the pain and respectfully acknowledge the range of emotions I have so they can be faced and dealt with head on eventually.

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