40-yr. Old Virgins are Real?!?

I don’t think I have ever gone out on a date with someone who has as many issues as the guy I met tonight. What’s more, he shared all of this with me on our 1st (and last) date. If there was a reason to heed warnings about over- sharing on date 1, this is it. Also, if you ever need examples of red flags I am about to introduce you to a plethora of examples. So, here’s to 1st  date # 10. I’m 1/5 of my way to 50 first dates.

When we first laid eyes on each other it was clear there was a mutual attraction. I was siked because I hadn’t felt any real initial attraction towards my last 9 suitors. What a great start. Bonus he also likes Amstel Light.  Don’t ask me why that even matters?!?

As we talked the first thing I noticed was the pace of his questions for me quickening to the point where I barely opened my mouth to answer before he was interrupting. Odd, I thought because he didn’t seem like the type who flat out didn’t care. He actually did have interesting questions. I just felt like I was running a race answering them.

What’s the problem?:
Unstable employment/ poor impulse control
As we went on he began sharing about his life and how he quit a job without notice so he could take a 6 week vacation.  This puzzled me. Why not give two weeks notice? Apparently he was so irritated with management’s decisions, he couldn’t make himself last 2 more weeks.

What’s the problem?:
40 year old virgin – no girlfriend ever– poor social skills, no good role models
He literally was a 40 year old virgin. He is now 41. When he told me I laughed so hard because I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.  My jaw dropped and out came this awkward, “Wait…really? How does that happen?” Apparently he chalked it up to poor social skills which he blamed on being an only child and going to an all boys school. This did not compute so I asked about where he lives since we’re in the same town.

What’s the problem?
He lives with his parents (41 yrs. Old)
He said he lived in an apartment near a high school in town, but I said, I am not familiar with any apartments over there. What is the name of the complex? That’s when he broke down and said, I’ve actually been living with my parents since 2007. I moved in to take care of my dad. “So? No apartment then?” No, sorry. I felt embarrassed to tell you that. Ok. Moving right along. I thought I’d go back to the nobility of the thing and ask what happened to his dad that he needed more care?

What’s the problem?:
Dad is a closet homosexual 
So, dad apparently informed mom AFTER marriage that he was gay.  He slept with many men and gave his wife the freedom to have affairs with other men while they remained married for the one kid they had between them. My date discovered this about his father because he found files of men on his dad’s computer.  He also formed a crack habit along the way. When Date 10 moved in it was to help his mother care for her husband because he had AIDS.

I literally told him to stop for a second so I could process all this. Earlier, he told me he had anxiety and he thought it had nothing to do with his environment. THEN, he told me these things. He really did not make connections between his childhood environment and his adult issues with anxiety and depression.

Listen, I’m not trying to bash the guy, so don’t get me wrong but please understand that you don’t need to rescue this man. In my much younger years I probably would have tried because I used to fall so easily for the bleeding heart.

He has so much going on it is really too much. To make matters worse, without any real honest insight, it is hard to be with someone that.

Even if we put aside the impact of each of these problems, we are still left with the problem of over-sharing and inadequate boundaries.  These things come back to bite an individual amd in a couple it is even worse. You’re like a loaded weapon.

I would say if you meet this man, wish him well and move on. He’s got work to do. Pat yourself on the back for being one more experience for him. If you are this man, please be sure to get adequate resources to assist you in your healing so you can minimize the pain you unintentionally will bring to your partner.

Finding you’re special someone can be tough. At the same time you have to know what’s a good prospect and what’s not. Don’t ignore the red flags or the “something’s not right” feelings. Your spidey-sense is working just fine. You just have to listen and act accordingly.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉


7 thoughts on “40-yr. Old Virgins are Real?!?”

  1. I just recently made a profile on a couple of dating websites (OKCupid/Plenty of Fish). But are not as conventional as lets say E-Harmony but if its to meet up for a coffee or something simple locally the websites like PoF seem better suited. We’ll see how that goes. I know there are some websites like Meetup.com that have a pretty good reputation for getting to know people in a group setting which I suppose can be less awkward.

    Ever since going back to the gym I’ve had women talk to me, ask me my name, etc…. It was small talk and I am kind of in a *zone* there usually… maybe I am a pretty approachable guy?. In a perfect world it would be nice to meet someone where i currently spend more of my free time, The gym, supermarket, the park…. I’ve been so far out of the game myself that sometimes I let social cue’s go right over my head.. which makes the online dating a little more *user* friendly in expressing intentions.

    1. Seems like you’re on the right track. There’s no real formula for what works best except that you have to keep putting yourself out there to create opportunities. The more you practice, the less awkward it gets. Most of the time I am bored on dates so I know pretty quickly when my date is different / special because I am engaged. Most men think that if they talk about themselves ad nauseum it will impress a woman. This is not the case. You’re there to get to know her so do that – ask her questions and show your interest in the answers so it doesn’t feel like an interview. Eventually and quite naturally she’ll ask about you. Then, BOOM you are off to a great start!

      1. That’s certainly one of the more important things I keep in mind. I typically let others talk about themselves when getting to know them. I’ve always had better interactions that way because it leaves the other person more at ease and eventually interested/intrigued. I suppose that’s just human nature. We like to talk about ourselves. For some its easier to identify I suppose. Not sure if higher emotional intelligence is a good or bad thing when it comes to this stuff. It could be half the reason I kept myself out of the bedroom…overthinking.

      1. It was interesting but scary he fell right into those pitfalls that make a first date quite uncomfortable. I guess you don’t really know until you actually sit down and talk to someone if they are what you would (or the world of that matter) perceive as normal. If his true intention was to find a partner to get to know and maybe just maybe potentially have sex with he would have sold himself much more highly. He’s never had a girlfriend… jeez. Even more strange he had the moxie to actually say any of that face to face. As a Virgin myself I can relate in maybe a couple of ways but I am a mid/late 20’s over and can’t understand someone that age not at least having the social abilities to navigate such a situation. Reading stories like this does at least give me personal hope I can turn around in the dating scene. Personally a lot of what kept me away from it all was a combination of depression, anxiety, and a lot of alcohol. It seems like he was just always very isolated. I do very much do like your idea of just going for it and going out on dates. I’m sure you meet some VERY interesting people…

      2. Absolutely, UV! He had a lot of issues impacting him and no really decent role models (or friends) to help him out. The dating scene is challenging, but like I said, you have to go for it or you get no experience at all and meet no one. It is a bit like interviews for a job, you go for practice first and sometimes you find your dream job. Have you tried online dating?

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