Am I too Late?

I have been a wanderer, a traveler, an explorer, an escapist most of my life. Nothing of mine collected dust. I always seemed to have a Plan B, an escape route. If it got too complicated or messy or boring I’d take off one way or the other.

Though it probably sounds harsh, if I’m honest, I was still feeling this through both of my marriages. I wasn’t ready to settle down, to lay roots into the earth. Wandering was always in competition with this idea of what I should be doing at my age. So, I’d find myself with the trappings of a settled down lifestyle while inside I was fighting it, distancing myself and fantasizing my way out of it. Talk about the definition of one foot in and one foot out.

Looking back it is easy to see why I was so miserable for so much of my life. I was by no means living in harmony with my soul’s urge. I felt one way and tried to fit in another. Terribly painful way to exist. There are years of my life that I don’t even remember because of this dissonance. 

I didn’t form meaningful relationships with people because I didn’t see myself sticking around anyway. If I’m honest I didn’t really take my marriages as seriously as I could have either. To be frank, I didn’t have the first clue of what a marriage really was anyway.

So much of my life was spent like an out of body experience where some other force felt like it guided me along. I gave up control of that “traditional life stuff” in exchange for holding on to my fantasies of the life I wished for. Somehow I never thought I was allowed to have the life I actually wanted so I settled in a different way. I clung to my fantasies to make the reality I thought I was obligated to live, bearable.

After my second husband left, I spent several years watching my life tear apart at the seams.  After 33 years of living this double life, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. It was one if the most painful and lonely times of my life. I had to get a grip, make a new plan Stan, drop off the key Lee, and set myself free. How the hell do I do that?

I spent a year living overseas in Ecuador. I traveled just about the whole continent, I learned a new language, I got a job, I rescued working girls off the streets and offered them an education, I danced salsa almost every night, I learned that Latin lovers are not all good despite the reputation, I climbed volcanos, zip lined through the jungle, ate guinea pig, fell in love, lost love, lost weight, gained friends, and came home eventually to an empty house in the USA faced with the reality I could no longer escape. It was time to start over.

There was still so much distance between me and the stuff of my life. My house, my car, my things…all just stuff…meaningless. I had no real friends, no one I could count on. I was so used to keeping that distance and I could do most everything on my own anyway, so why bother?

I stayed this way for awhile. Had lots of disposable lovers.  For awhile sex was the only place I felt anything at all. When guys started to get personal or clingy, I’d drop them.  They never slept over. I didn’t want to wake up and see them. I struggled to keep the roof of a house I wasn’t sure I wanted over my head. I was committed to nothing.

Fast forward to now (5 yrs. later) and I find myself wanting to lay roots. Wanting to commit. Wanting love. Loving my house. Wanting a life partner. Understanding what that means. Wanting close friendships. Feeling so deeply that sometimes it scares me. Terrified that I’m waaaaay out of my depths most of the time with my understanding of this lifestyle. Freaked out that I can’t hack it. Afraid I’ll screw it up.  Thinking how behind I am. How much remedial training I need. How lonely I can feel now that I care to have people close to me. Resisting the urge to flee when I’m scared. I keep at it. I stick around. I want to find out if I could stay at a job long enough to collect a pension. I want to know I’ll be ok 6 months from now. I want stability and safety for a change.  I want to trust myself that I can do all this. I wonder if at nearly 40 I’ve arrived too late to the party.

I still want to explore this wonderful world around me and learn from it. I just want to have a place that I am happy to call home now too.

This is one of the most frightening adventures I’ve ever embarked upon. I am in pursuit of my own brand of happiness. The stakes are so high because the outcome matters so much. It’s finally personal.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Am I too Late?”

  1. I just found your blog by complete accident, in a moment where I needed to read a post like this more than anything. I wish you all the happiness in the world, and even though I don’t know you, I believe that you will find your balance of having that home/job/friends and still seeing the world.

    1. Alex,
      I am so touched to hear that! Sometimes life is like that song, you don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. Sometimes exactly when you need it most. Please stay in touch. You’re not alone. Xo aneternaltraveler 🙂

  2. I just turned 42, and I have been living this for quite a while and I can only share with you me.

    I have had a amazing life till now, I found my master when I was 21, in Pune, lived some glorious years when I was young, dancing, singing celebrating each day as if it was the last. Meditating so many techniques just to learn how to be in the moment…

    I was young and then came the women, and pull of the west in terms of money and comfort which only west can give, so I move to Suisse with first wife and started working again, went through lot of time in work (I design) forgot I learned in first 8 years though essence remained with me.

    Then came another woman I met dancing salsa in Switzerland, again the love energy took over heart was elevated, and what glorious time we had…

    And then again came the work, separation, no connection with the other and search carried on… and with that came this questioning what I doing, why i am here, I knew the path when I was 21 already and now at 40 I am going to start finding it again, and find what???

    I went through 2 years of quite struggle, just to come to a point that this is just what mind is suppose to do, it is my participation in this mind, labeling it in any fashion that makes it difficult, if all we have is this short moment, then how can I be late for anything, I am only living this short moment. It is just my education in my mind which led me through crisis or joys one after another… I keep on finding happiness and sadness instead of just being, which I am discovering so much more joyous.

    Late for what is the best question to ask?? I always though i do not carry any conditioning and then I see myself doing things or acting weird around a girl that I like and I am like i was already over that part and it is surprise and a joy, that after years of living this circle, mind still creates the same situations for me, only now my view point on this different, i do not have to partipate in the conversation and just let it be.

    I am already perfect, you are already are living what you need to live, how else you will writing such touching words everytime, you are already in touch, now it just the question of do you really have to participate everytime the mind starts getting longings for the one or love for my daughter, do I need to take action or I can let it be and trust that life is already happening…

    You are beautiful in the way you can share your heart in such a simple, all we are struggling with is our education of our mind, we have been told about things which makes life perfect instead of living a perfect life already… which you are as there is no choice ….

    much love to you from switzerland….
    ashoka

    1. Thank you for taking the time to relate to my journey through your own. Your words are encouraging. I like what you said about distancing yourself from your thoughts. I suppose that in American society we give our thoughts alot of credit and meaning. But really the only thing they prove is that we are alive because we are thinking. Since thoughts lead to feelings, it seems prudent to manage which thoughts we give the most value. As I considered your words further, I imagined having less welcome thoughts enter my mind and further imagined my mind like a port for ships. Any thought I needed to keep moving, I placed in a boat and let it scream its heads off as it disappeared into the distance. Others that I wanted to entertain, I let dock. I am going to experiment some more with this visual method and see if it helps me to “be” more in the now and be gentle with myself. Thank you again for sharing. Much love, aneternaltraveler

      1. I like that you look at this as an experiment, if we do not do this experiment, how will we know what works. 🙂

        Their is a simple training that can help you in this journey, as my words might not have been all that clear.

        The training is called balanced view (www.balancedview.com), I will suggest to watch this video and see if they talks to you:

        For me it is not about positive thoughts or negative thoughts or any emotions associated with them, it is not about changing them, manipulating them or fighting with them, but just let them be as they are and just take a short moment.

      2. Yes exactly! Let them be. Just like people. Just decide which emotions you want to spend time with and which ones you need to let go for now. I will most definitely check out these resources. Thanks so much for thinking of me and reaching out! Much love xo

  3. Good for you! Recognizing what the problem is and what you want is 90% of the battle. Keep strong, keep hopeful, be happy (it’s a decision, you know) and the life you crave will come knocking at your door.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s