Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been avoiding the fact that I’ve always longed to be left alone and by that also alone without a partner. I wonder sometimes who I was when I managed to marry 2 different men and yet who the fuck I am now at 40 that makes it hard to even find a decent man to have a second date with. Trust me, I’ve tried the full gamet of ages; 23 all the way up to 50 and it doesn’t seem to make a darn bit of difference. Sometimes it feels like I was given the unfortunate opportunity to date in the era of the “dick pic”. Do they really think I’m thinking “oh now i don’t feel like I’ll be wasting my time”? Are you serious? Contemporary dating makes me feel like the romance has been sucked like marrow out of the bone of true love.
At this point in my life, I am pretty content with my life. I have a house I love, I have projects I work on that are important to me, I have a great job, I am blessed with great friends and family, and I have enough money or negotiating skills to travel multiple times a year. I really have worked my ass off to be here. I’m not going to pretend it’s luck, because it’s not. It’s blood, sweat and tears worked, released and shed throughout the years. It’s a lot of figuring things out the hard way and having the perseverance to come out the other end having gained something useful for your life.
I want a special guy to share it with. I want to feel loved like a woman you’d rather not live without. I want to be treated with loyalty and honor. I want to be rocked like my backbone was his own. I want a man that makes my life an even bigger thrill to live than it already is. I don’t mean it like some setup or some test. I just really mean it like I say it – love me like a man.
Where are the men with a vision for the future? Where are the ones that aren’t bitter about “being shit on”, as if they were the first and only person that bad things happened to? Where are the men that pride themselves on finding dates that would interest a woman to go on? I know they are real, I married two of them. Thought it ended like it did, they always treated me like a woman of value and acted like men of substance. They enjoyed taking the time, talking, getting to know a woman that they were fascinated with. Have I become less fascinating? That would be hard to believe with more years of experiences.
Sometimes I lay out on one of my awesome space chairs on my patio and I look up into the leaf canopy above me and I imagine I’m looking up at a different sky. A sky far from here with a canopy of foreign leafs. I imagine that I’m laying out after an invigorating day tending vegetables and attending to guests in my hostel/home in Ecuador. I see myself smoking cigars and drinking rum at the end of the day. I see parties with the locals at the house. I feel real. I feel at home. I feel confused that home is somewhere else now.