Category Archives: Fear

All the Things Money Can’t Buy

I was chatting with some friends last night over dinner and catching them up on my life. As these conversations often do, we found ourselves talking about relationships.

What do You Want?
A friend turned to me and said, if you could summarize what you want from a relationship in one sentence what would you say? This was an interesting challenge. After a few minutes I said, “I want to be with a man for all the things that money can’t buy”.

Apparently, this was a profound statement because everyone stopped eating, stared off for a moment and returned with – “Wow. Yeah. Me too. Well said.”

Can’t Buy Me Love
While this is not to say I want to be with someone without 2 nickels to rub together,  I also can’t be bought. There is NO replacement for:

  Intimacy
  Empathy
  Consideration
  Bonding
  Respect
  Tenderness
  Authenticity
  Hugs at the right moment
  Compassion
  Good conversation
  Really listening
  Making quality time
  Being held
  Divulging deep dark secrets without fear
  Safety
  Consistency
  Acceptance of who and what you are
  Great character
  Kindness to strangers
  Humility
  Great sense of humor used at the right time

Too many times I experience individuals so desperately trying to keep a relationship that they give stuff, their bodies, favors in hopes that they will be loved in return. These are gestures of fear and desperation. You cannot make love from this space.  If there was one word thst could summarize all the others above it would be to connect to someone. This makes loves because you are actually thinking of and feeling for the other person.

Enough about Me, Tell Me about You
I like to think of love like being open and ever curious. If you don’t feel this or have anxiety or fear then you are not in a good space to find, to make or to maintain love.  When you stop thinking about me, me, me and how I get my needs met, you can open up to another person and get to know them. Funny thing is that with most people they want to reciprocate. So, you have a better chance of getting what you want by showing another person the same curiosity you would like first.

It really struck me to finally have a simple set of words to frame what I’m looking for in a relationship. It goes a step further though I think. As we say in science,  like attracts like. If I am the qualities on that list, I will attract that kind of person into my life. Those we are with are a reflection of how we see ourselves afterall. In other words be the person you’re looking for.

 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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Losing a Pet Child

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Cinnamon, My 16 yr. Old baby girl

I feel like I’m dying inside. Cinnamon took a turn for the worst in the past few days. When I took her to the vet today they said I should seriously consider putting her down. They said that in addition to hyperthyroidism which I’m treating her for thst she has a grade 4 heart murmur, severely anemic, is badly arthritic, has signs of dementia and a problem with her tail that she can no longer lift it. She’s been howling non stop for the past two days and nights.

I’m not ready to face this. She’s my baby. I’ve had her for 16 years. Since I graduated from college and moved to the DC Metro she’s been my companion through everything. I told the vet to give me a bag of Ringers solution to hydrate her and some pain  meds to ease things.

I had to let my other baby go last year when he was in so much pain and I’m not ready to let my best girl ever go. I’m so distraught.

I feel like I’m experiencing too much loss all at once. I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Everybody Needs Somebody

Tradgedy and time on your hands has a way of re-teaching you who you are. It also shows you where you could use a helping hand.

I tend to be a person who hangs out with herself a lot. What do I mean by this? First of all I really do like hanging out with myself. Also, I grew up learning a couple of things that stuck with me.
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I learned that it’s best not to count on other people – so learn how to do things yourself. I’ve also learned to be a very good secret keeper for those who treated me badly but knew how to look good in front of others. These teachings have damaged my thinking and impacted all of image

my relationships. I’m starting to realize that now.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is fantastic that I can do so many things without needing to pay someone – case and point refinishing my bathtub. It cost me about $30.  I love that I am multi-talented!

The problem comes in when I don’t ever depend on anyone for anything, not even emotional things. I don’t have that group of gals I chat with. Heck, I don’t even have 1 best girl friend. I do have a great neighbor who I consider my best friend. We call ourselves the odd couple because he is 68 and I am 38 and we have a marvelous friendship. Of course he has a life with his wife and goes on vacation and such. So, when he’s not there I have no one. The thing is that other people are there, but I don’t form deeper relationships mostly because in good times and bad, I don’t want to bother them.

Eventually, if I’m going through something very trying and it’s beyond my ability to handle it alone, I can become very depressed and isolated. So, this is the ugly flip side of extreme independence.

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The order of events in my life lately seem to be of no coincidence. I am clearly being shown my areas in need of improvement and compassionately I’m also being presented with solutions. I need a better support group so that I feel loved no matter what and so I don’t have to rely so heavily on my romantic relationships to be the single source.

After 7 years of not seeing my dad’s side of the family, I was invited to spend the 4th of July with them in NC just when I needed it most. Then, they invited me to spend the week with them at their beach house.

I also reached out to my cousin in Nova Scotia who, despite never having heard her voice until now, has been a source of inspiration to me through various electronic and written mediums. She also wrapped me in her love and patience with the offer to let me “get it all out in a safe place” and to visit sometime.
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That’s the ticket isn’t it? One has to feel safe to open up. Part of being a secret keeper for abusive people is that you never know real safety. You tend to silence yourself and suffer quietly. It is not natural to trust , but very special and treasured dearly when it happens with someone. You’ll never meet someone more loyal.

Part of the challenge that I faced in my last relationship is that everyone in my life encouraged me to leave him. I did, several times. They all thought he was a piece of shit, psychopath, narcissist….you get the idea. So, when I’d leave and eventually find my way back, I felt more and more ashamed to talk to people. This can be very isolating and damaging. I was image
embarrassed.  I knew in my head what a manipulative bastard he was, how badly he was treating me. My heart kept going hoping against hope something would change. By the end of it all, aside from my neighbor, I stopped talking about him entirely to anyone. So I had nowhere to go with all the pain except this blog and my music. So thank you for keeping me going!

It’s past the point of needing to write a new chapter. I’m ready to crack open the spine of a brand new book and begin fresh with this post as my preface.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Soul Food

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Ok. First things first! I’m bragging on this slapped together recipe. It’s sooooo good. My Jamaican neighbor keeps me supplied with “Jamaican Kale” throughout the summer and I constantly try to find new things to do with it.

So, what’s in it?:
Bunch of Jamaican Kale
A few roasted red peppers
Can of Atrichoke Hearts
1/4 c. Feta cheese
Sauteed in olive oil with crushed garlic, pepper & salt
Put on top of a whole wheat pita and enjoy!

I was in a funk still today. This getting over my ex thing is harder than I thought it would be. I mean could I jump into another relationship?  Sure. I could distract myself with casual flings. I could pretend that I never felt anything for him. I could drink heavily to dull the hurt. There are a lot of not so great things I could do that would only make things worse.

Or….

I could take care of my soul. I could eat well and enjoy the scents of cooking a meal with fresh ingredients. I could play music and compose again, I could reconnect with people I’ve lost contact with. I could exercise and pamper myself. And frankly, I can take care of myself intimately until someone who really lights my soul on fire takes over other duties as assigned 🙂

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Me "playing" my dad's guitar

I know everyone is different when it comes to coping with things. I personally take awhile to get over the end of serious relationships. I am a very sensitive person in that I am very emapthetic so I really feel things. I’m not the type that can turn that off. Its just part of my make up. I always want things to end well. Often, I struggle to understand why people wouldn’t do everything they can to bring about peaceful endings.

I am a mess of a person like we all are in some way, I guess. I’ve got quirks and dysfunctions and sometimes I wonder how to make it through this world a prisioner inside my own head.

I think most of us are just trying to move through life and sqeeze as much pleasure out if it as we can. We hope to know our greatest pleasure in our own lifetime. We assume it will reveal itself as another person who looks deeply into our soul and says, “I accept you” and sticks around forever loving you for being that person.

In the meanwhile, I think the greatest thing we can do for our single selves is love the hell out of ourselves; getting to know and accepting every nook and cranny until we’re completely irresistible.

I’m starting to think it’s not about being perfect or figuring out what’s wrong with you. The road to fulfilling life cannot possibly be among the pages of self-help books aimed to fix you. I have done this my whole life and I’ve really just managed to feel worse about myself. I mean what if the only thing wrong with me is that I don’t accept myself fully? What if instead of focusing on what needs to be fixed, I focused on accepting the person who is there and loving her to pieces? What if I fell in love with her “as is”? I wonder what would happen if we all did that?

If you’re like me and haven’t found a partner that loves (aka fully accepts) the person you are and finds you irresistible enough to want to spend forever by your side, let’s make a pact.

We will give ourselves the love we want from someone else. We will treat ourselves right. We will do for ourselves what we want from them. We will go alone to places we want to go together with them.

This way when he/she comes along we will recognize them as the right fit because s/he treats us that good.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Send in the Clowns

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
—Robin Williams

I have been thinking about this irony quite a bit lately.  Most people think I’m a very happy, successful person who is well-adjusted and lives a good life. Some are shocked that I’ve had major challenges in my life.

I always try to make people feel a bit better about their mood or circumstances because I’d never want them to feel the terrible way I do inside most of the time.

What I find is that I’m left with no one to listen to me they way I listen to others. There are a number of people in my life who only contact me when they need something; advice or an ear, etc. Then, they are gone once they’ve gotten what they’ve needed. It is hard for me to make real friends despite my outgoing personality because they tend to be one sided. As anyone would, I tire of that quickly.

I find that I spend a lot of time alone. I am able to do so many things that most of the time I do not need to ask for help. Recently, I realized what a lonely life I really lead. The irony is that I’d really like to be involved with people who care about me. I’d like to have an inner circle that I could count on. It is strange how much I can make other people feel good, but I am alone; in my solitude with my nagging thoughts and there is often no one to comfort me.

For the 4th of July weekend, I visited a part of my family that I was estranged from for a long time. As I talked to my father’s only remaining sibling, looked through albums and watched my cousin interact with the family, I began to see patterns that have lasted generations. I haven’t even taken it all in yet, but I noticed the anger and the violence and the destruction. There may be one person on my dad’s side that is still married to their first spouse. Even those who are married are not in healthy relationships. I saw the way my family cuts people down and makes them feel small. I saw the vindictiveness and the way that the anger has turned inward on each person who lets their anger loose on someone else. I watched how they just struggle to find reasons to keep staying alive. I thought to myself how familiar it all is.

Everybody in my family has a broken piece in the unit; a missing father or husband, an angry man, a passive agressive spouse, co-dependents. I don’t think we even realize that we’re actually grieving that loss. It all comes out in wierd ways that we try to use to manage how close or how far away we keep you from knowing that pain. It’s like no one told us we could share the burden. 

I simultaneously draw people close and push them away with my humor depending whether I think they could handle the grief. I’m lonely because I learned that I cannot rely on people to stick around even if they promise forever or unconditional love. I cannot let them share my grief because to open it up with someone who will not stay by my side through thick and thin is to do nothing different than I’ve always done. Because I always get the same result, I don’t know how it feels to share with someone who actually keeps their words and doesn’t leave. I would very much like to know that feeling.

Here’s the thing, you can’t believe something else is possible if you’ve never experienced it. My experience is a lot of pain. I would like to be loved by someone who would let me stop being a comedian. In the meanwhile, I make people laugh because I don’t want them to come close to feeling the pain I do.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Oh..I Did Live Once

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Today I changed things up and went into the city to enjoy a folk festival whose focus was on the country of Peru.  Having lived in the neighboring country of Ecuador and traveling many times to Peru,  I feel a real affinity for the history,  culture, the region.

I had a date planned also, but I figured who knows how that will go, so I may as well make the festival the primary focus. Soooo glad I did 🙂 Who knew a professor of music could be soooo boring?

Aaaaaanyway….as I walked around exploring everything from traditional regional foods to Shaman’s performing traditional healing rituals I felt like I was “home” again. I realized how much I missed living among people in a vibrant community. Learning about the ways of the past and how they are interwoven into the present. I missed learning the ancient ways of being connected to the earth and the interdependence we have with one another.

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When I returned to the US from living in Ecuador back in 2011, it was a very hard transition. I felt very lonely and cut off. This country can be very alienating to the human experience and has an obsession with “getting over it” as if there is a time limit on processing impressions you make in this world.

I was in love many times while living there. I remember lying in bed next to a man who became my best friend and lover and having these wonderful conversations and laughing as I tried to find the Spanish translation for “orgasm”.

We would lie there comfortably naked with each other as the ceiling fan barely kept the humidity at bay.  There was no rush. The culture of mañana. At first this was very tough for my type A American personality, but I came to realize that when you slow down you make room for moments like this.

When I lived in his country he cared for me in such loving ways through a divorce and a difficult breakup with an evem more difficult Peruvian man. He made dinner and brought everything I needed to have my first dinner on my first night in my new totally barren apartment.

He helped me with many things. I did not know how much he loved me then. I was too entangled in another bad relationship to see. He would never force himself on me, but he was always there to listen and hold me through the rough patches. When I was alone on my birthday, he surprised me with a custom made cake. Somehow my Spanish and his memory were good enough to recall that I loved chocolate with raspberry filling.

And even after all this time and a country between us he still remains my dearest friend whose door is always open to me in Quito. Ahh….adventure, slowing down, really living and loving and being loved through this and that.

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This story demonstrates what happens when we really make room for people to be where they are. Pablo really loved me for the whole person that I am. I loved him for who he is and all the struggles that came from merging his Indian / indigenous culture with modern Ecuadorian culture. His refusal to cut his long tradtional indian hair, though it would be seen as more acceptable, would cut him off from his culture. Many indigenous men in Ecuador try to disguise themselves as non-indigenous people because they are often paid better. 

I loved what he stood for. I loved what he fought for. I loved that he always met me wherever I was at. In tears, screaming, pissed off and walking away (he would give me distance but always “catch up”, smile, hold me with one arm and say, estás lista, linda? And i was ready). I never had to force myself into another state of being to make him or anyone else happy. I felt I could be authentically me.

It’s taken me years to realize the biggest difference for me between here and there – authenticity. I was allowed TO FEEL however I felt and people accepted it and didn’t rush me through anything.

Many times this is what made me feel there were more hours in the day in Ecuador than in the US. Even though everything was significantly more manually labor intensive, there was a sense of being at peace and content with whatever stage of life you were at.

I guess you could say that it is when I lived in Ecuador that I knew what it was to be free. I’ve never felt that in the US.

Freedom for me is freedom to be who I am and be surrounded be people who accept however that comes out from one moment to the next.

You only know what feedom is once you have lost it. In its absence, you will try to substitute other things for it, but you know inside you’re aching for it like the embrace of your best lover.

It is no wonder I crave going back so much. It was my 1 year out of 38 years of life that I knew how to be alive.

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As I walked around today for hours, I had these and so many more memories flood my heart and soul. The smells and colors & sounds of a region that felt like home bombared my senses. I remembered when I was alive. The guy I was meeting didn’t stand a chance against that competition 🙂

I forgot how much I used to enjoy studying about medicinal plants. Since I was a child I was researching alternative and indigenous medicines. I used to study symbols and their cultural significance. I used to dance and sing. It is as if I went back to my own roots today and I fell in love again.

Perhaps, it was a wake up call that I must find ways of living again. 1 in 38 years is not enough life. I must go where I can have the freedom to be.

So much inspiration today.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Lessons Learned from a Future Faker

For quite some time I have been trying to figure out how my now ex-boyfriend could have such bi-polar reactions in our relationship. Why wouldn’t he just follow-through when he made promises? Why did he walk out when he was caught or it became clear it was time to put his money where his mouth is? Why, in the end, did he disappear by text message from a year-long relationship filled with dreams of the future we’d share together? One day he was on, the next he was off. It was maddening. To make matters worse, he’d often try to make everything my fault. He was never responsible for anything including his lies and contradictions – I misunderstood. 

If it is true that the greatest love survives the harshest conditions and he claimed to love me deeply and want to spend his life with me, how could he disappear at the drop of a hat? That nagging question has plagued my scientific mind.

Then, I finally stumbled across the answer and my jaw dropped. I thought the description was written directly for my ex. He is a “Future Faker”.

A Future Faker is someone who talks big about the future, but never actually plans to deliver. They sell a fantasy and when you’ve bought in and expect them to deliver – they’re gone ASAP and usually in the most dramatic disappearing act they can muster.

And you’re left there holding an empty bag. You keep looking around thinking, this can’t be happening.

They on the other hand feel differently.  To pull from an article by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim,

“If it didn’t work out in their mind, if they’re not feeling compelled by another person to break ther typical habit, they write off the possibilities, press the Reset Button, and then lather, rinse, repeat with the next person. This also further distorts their self-image and general perception of past events because they focus on recalling how they made people feel good, not on how not following through caused pain and confusion.

They don’t actually care about how they made you feel after the reality breaks through the fantasy. They say what you want to hear and for a while get off on how happy that makes you and what you will do for them as a resultt of their words, but look closely they’re not doing much else but talking.

I found myself waiting around a lot for my ex to make good. I invested a lot of myself into him. I wasn’t prepared to just walk away without being sure I gave our relationship a fair shot. I found myself chasing after the outcome. He knew it was showtime and he wasn’t going to deliver. So, like a coward he escaped thinking only of his own back. I was left with the emotional mess to clean up. He, no doubt, has rounded up a new victim to sell his freak show to. As they say, there’s a sucker in every crowd.  I was the sucker this time. Someone else will be next time.

Men like this don’t just suddenly begin acting this way. They are practiced at it. So if you meet him and he’s 35, 44, or 56, don’t fool yourself into thinking the problem is you. It is not.  If he tells you his history as mine did to me and you’re horrified,  don’t turn your spidey senses off – just go. Don’t look back. You escaped. There was nothing good there waiting to happen.

At some point though I believe it will be hard for him to even believe his own shtick. Future Fakers run out of people to blame and eventually look in the mirror old with liver spots, wrinkles, and withered muscles and they see exactly who the problem has been all along. They also have nobody there to love them. Time’s up. Karma is a bitch.

I have learned so much from this relationship that never existed. I have learned that:

1.  Relationships only exisit when both people are being genuine.

2. People who try to fast forward quickly through the normal getting to know you / trust building steps are to raise big waving red flags.

3. REAL men handle tough circumstances with courage and integrity.

4. Actions must match words and if only one exists, rely on the actions to tell you what’s up.

5. Don’t make excuses for grown men. They are not children, they are not mentally handicapped. If you’ve made your expectations clear, they clearly know what to do. They either do and keep you or they don’t and they lose you.

6. Don’t ever chase a man down to fulfill a promise. If he loves you he will come through. A good man doesn’t want to disappoint you.

7. Leave any man who asks you not to trust yourself or your own thoughts or feelings. Leave if he tries to isolate you from friends or convince people you’re crazy so you have nowhere to turn but him. This is called gaslighting. It is mental / emotional abuse.

8. Only stay with someone who really gets you emotionally. Of course no one is a mind reader, you must communicate. But, if you have to constantly explain the meaning of things to him, there are basic compatibility issues.

9. If he causes drama the night before or day of a big event or something meaningful to you he is manipulating and sabotaging you. This man is not supporting your success or growth. He will be a bad life partner. Life is tough enough, you don’t want someone who would even soil the good times.

10. Remind yourself that you’re not running out of time, you’re not too old, and as long as you’re still making an effort you still have a shot at a healthy loving relationship. I am almost 40, I’ve been through two marriages and two divorces. My life has been turned upside down so many times it has taught me the meaning of the word resilience.  I need to believe there is a wonderful man out there who gets it like I do.

So, in some strange way this post has turned into a thank you letter. Now that’s a gratitude challenge!

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Killer Pain

To many people the idea of killing oneself is spiritually damning. It is a sign of weakness a mark against ones character. Recently, I saw a definition that resonated better with my view: suicide is a choice you make to end the pain when you have more pain than resources to deal with it.

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Anyone who has gotten to this point understands vividly the prison poem pasted above by Mahvash Sabet.  Staying alive despite pain is not about willpower. At some point if I keep putting heavier weight on your shoulders,  you’ll collapse.  It is simplier than that and people try too hard to complicate it with catch phrases of hope when it is more like 2 + 2.

You can’t deal with people or things in general when you don’t have a grasp on what you’re dealing with. You don’t bring hope to a math test, vut forget your pencil. That’s what I’m bringing across here to you now.

One of my pet peeves is that often you hear people say things like, why didn’t they tell someone? or I feel so bad, I wish I knew. I would have helped. What a shame. Look. We do tell you, but you can’t take your face out of your phone, you’re too busy for our “drama”, your advice is a version of “chin up” or some other invalidating comment. We know we need support that’s why we reach out and when nobody reaches back or makes excuses, it gets harder to deal with the weight on our shoulders.  There is no one to share the load. You see? It becomes more mathematical than emotional. Add it up.

My pain level is very high right now. I can always tell by the frequency with which I have suicidal fantasies. Nothing I’m doing is working. Getting out to meet people/ socialize, distracting myself or talking to someone all are not doing it.

I feel like I need to be understood and I’m not getting that need met. This is as the poem states, the loneliest state of being.

While most people have a five year plan about how they are going to accomplish things in their lives, I have one as a failsafe.  I work on things to prepare for that time just in case I have to pull the switch.  For example, I renovate my house so when the time comes, whether I sell or bequeath the other person is without burden. Over these next 5 yrs I will work to pay off my debt, again so that I don’t leave a mess behind.

I always feel if you want to make a plan to die, you should be responsible. I mean it is a serious decision in that you can’t come back from so no matter how much pain you have, be responsible with the life you leave behind for others. Make as little mess as possible so that you can slip out relatively quietly.

As far back as I can remember I have been trying to find meaning for life. I think I caught on pretty early that there isn’t one. Most of us just try to stay busy and fill up our time with things that give us moments of pleasure. I guess some of us cope better with that reality than others.  Perhaps they have a great support group that shrinks their pain down. Maybe they feel loved and understood.  I do not have that and as much as I’ve tried with all my might, I haven’t been able to form one either. I am certain that impacts my pain levels and solitude.

I never really did figure out how to get life quite right, especially the important stuff like relationships.  The pain is just too much and too frequent. I am good at planning though and I’m very responsible so that is the skill set I’ll use in completing my 5 year plan. I feel pretty confident, I can get that right.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Friends 4 Ever

I was trolling around Tiny Buddha’s website as I often do when in search of inspiration when I found this fantastic article about friendship. How to Become a Magnet for Friends.

At the end of the article, I was struck by the “Six Magic Words That Make Friendships Happen”

“What can I do for you?”

And that really sums it up. To be a good friend, a true friend you have to be of service to another in a way that they need the most.

It is not enough to say you care or to say you’ll always be someone’s friend. You have to show up and act on your friendship.

It is so easy to write a few words by IM or text or “like” a post in FB, but if you don’t get beyond this, you’re a fantasy friend.

I don’t know if it is my recent break up with my future-faking ex or if it is that I’m older, wiser and more experienced, but I can’t take anymore bullshit excuses for why you or anyone else can’t act like a friend. What am I dog meat? I can clearly see that you make time for other friends uh..because we’re both on FB. So what gives?

Nobody is that busy. Funny how they do have time to deliver excuses about why they are being a crappy friend to you.

You don’t need these fake friends, hanger-oners, or a fantasyland of ego trippers who try to convince other people that their lives are awesome. I call bullshit. Enough. Delete in fantasyland. If you’re for real, come see me in reality.

Venting complete. Thank you for listening, friend. I needed that.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

50 First Dates

Online dating aka 50 first dates. That’s how it feels. Date after date saying the same things and trying to feel excited about it. But what you really want inside is to find someone with whom you can move beyond the 1st date spiel.

I get it, dating when you’re close to or over 40 has it’s challenges. I put real effort into it and currently date about 3 different men a week. I really want my forever guy. I don’t date men who are not looking for a serious relationship or who are looking for hook-ups. You have to keep away from the time wasters and the people with whom you have nothing important in common.

Still I feel tired, to be honest. Coffee dates, lunch dates, dinner dates, museum dates. After while, it all swirls together. It is as if I’m looking for something long term in a casual way. Who can remember their names even after awhile. It reminds me of rummaging through a sale bin looking for that one item that stands out.

These are the moments when I especially wish my ex-boyfriend would have stuck together and worked things out. Sometimes, I picture these scenarios where he is experiencing the same online dating B.S. and it compells him to pick up the phone and say, I don’t know what I was thinking when I broke up with you, it sucks out here and nothing going on between us is worse than this scene. Let’s work this out.  Sound good? That’s when I sigh and say, thank god. I thought you’d never come to your senses. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

…and I’m awake.

So if and until that fantasy is brought into reality, it looks like I’ll be treading water in the sea of love looking for the right fish to swim by my side. 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉