Category Archives: Fear

The Power of Yes

My life is becomming more interesting the more I say yes. It is surprising who you meet or what you might do when you open yourself up to new experiences. 

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For example, tonight I was asked on a date with someone who turned out to be a concert pianist for the Navy (yup that is him in concert above) We went to my favorite steakhouse and talked for hours about a full range of topics. When we initially met I had no idea this was his field, just that music was his passion .  It was cool because I also play piano. Initially we bonded for the fact that we both did the camino de santiago and share Spanish as a second language since he is half Spanish and half Argentine.  We also held a lot of interesting views on life. I literally spent hours just talking,  eating and drinking wine together.  Then we crashed a gala…my idea 🙂 Fun!

My point is that you never know how something will turn out so it is best to be open. This is the idea of the “Power of Yes”. It is all about acceptance and knowing you’re going to be ok. In fact, the more you can open yourself up, the more you discover about who you are.

For example, having to come to terms that my ex is never coming back and I will never know why he left,  I have gone on a lot of dates since the breakup. I have reached out to friends and made into the city for festivals. I’ve renovated things in my house.  I’m going for a girly pedicure day tomorrow with another friend. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You have to take care of yourself in general, but especially after someone you love emotionally kicks your ass. Staying in is great and very therapeutic, but at some point you have to see people again not just the bottom of a pint of ben & jerry’s (not that I’ve ever done that). Getting to yes from within is tough. Sometimes you have to say it and trust thst the motivation or genuine interest will come later.

So here I am on to the next phase. It’s kind of like saying, yup he left, but now i know more about myself and I realize it is definitely his loss because I’m awesome and everybody gets to enjoy the best of me but him.

The most important person you can say YES to is yourself. Because YES = Acceptance = Love.

One of the most interesting discoveries I’ve made in life is that the people who love you stay in your life or always find their way back if they were meant to be there. So just keep on living and don’t worry, the ones who love you find a way to get to you. Nothing will stand in their way. The ones who don’t, never did in the first place.

You don’t have to make excuses for people. They are exactly where they’ve chosen to be. Otherwise,  they’d be somewhere else.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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Change the Action, Change the Outcome

“I guess it’s hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they’re bad – to change. ‘Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.”
– Pay it Forward

I saw this quote and it got me thinking about how my relationship with Paul was always on again / off again. A problem would arise and we’d add distance or breakup. At some point we’d miss each other and find our way back on again.  Nothing got solved.

On the other hand, working through problems and actually making change to make things better can make a relationship better, stronger, and last longer. Every relationship has rough patches. So the key aspect here is change. If things don’t change, then the results won’t change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

This is what kept me hanging on for so long. I believed him when he said he would make changes.  Each time he didn’t make good on that, I lost faith in him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t satisfy my needs, it was that he wouldn’t.  That was the most horrifyingly painful part for me. I would stand there with my brain in knots and just say, why? If actually being happy together comes down to you following through on what you said you would do, why don’t you do it?

The disappointment became chronic. I was losing the man I loved. All because wouldn’t. All the while he’d tell me he loves me. That I’m an amazing woman. So, what do you think it communicates to a woman then that you feel this way and yet will not keep your word? Does that make her feel special? Loved?  Honored? Respected? No sir, it does not.

It was never that I wanted someone else or that he wasn’t good enough or that he couldn’t make me happy. He just simply decided not to amd then walked away lying and telling himslef the problem was that he couldn’t make me happy. I have news for you – no woman would be happy with a man who doesn’t follow through and keep his word to her.

So yeah,  you walked away, you’re out there searching for someone new. But you are destined to keep repeating the same damn mistakes because you never learned how to deal.

It is so easy to walk away and think you’re dealing with a relationship issue, but really you’re just pushing it off to the next person you meet. The constant is you. Stop blaming it on the person you’re with.  If you left, you are a leaver. That’s not your partner doing that. That’s you.  It would be better to stay with the person you’re already with and work it out. Otherwise, you’ll invest again in someone else and be disappointed again in someone else.

At some point you have to realize that life is a patchwork called a relationship. Together you make a quilt. That quilt protects and shelters you as life goes on. Every time you start over with someone new, you start with a tiny patch that barely covers your palm. It is exhausting to keep doing this and when it is all said and done, you’ve got no love to keep you warm.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had some major learning from this insight as well. We should have stuck it out when things got tough so we really knew we could work things out. You should have keep your word so I didn’t lose trust in you. When we found a solution that we both agreed on, it should have been implemented – no excuses. We would have still been together.

After many stops amd starts, do you think two people could change how they do things and do better forever? Could they get back together and stick together? Or would they break up again?

I think if things have changed, in that, you see the problem and how you two will commit to handling things, you can try again… But not by continuing. By starting over. 

Let’s revisit that quote one more time,
“I guess it’s hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they’re bad – to change. ‘Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.”
– Pay it Forward

We need to push past our comfort zone to grow.
With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

On Being Seen

Choking back my tears , she caressed my face  and said, “promise me you’ll find someone who sees you and let him see the person I see.”

This breakup has been a challenge. There are so many questions left unanswered. I wish he’d have mercy on me and call. He knows how much it hurts. He does it anyway. There are so many mistakes I’ve made in this relationship. That’s not to say it was all my fault,  but it is important to reflect on what you could do differently.

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In fact, all this time away has helped me see a pattern which exists in all my relationships. First, I believe I don’t choose very reliable men. I have a fear of being abandoned buried in my psyche.  Every once in awhile it bubbles up in all its glory for another horrifying look.

I pick men who have a history of leaving the women they’re with and often in humiliating ways. My ex-husband trashed a 20-yr. marriage in the blink of an eye to be with me. There was even a kid involved. When it came to be my turn, he left me just as coldly for someone else that he had been sleeping with. My current ex-boyfriend, screwed around on his wife with more than 10 women behind her back. He even went so far as to bad mouth how “she treated him” to his family in order to get sympathy. Do you think he told his family about his adulterous acts? Hell no. Next thing you know a 10 yr. relationship went down the drain because “he wasn’t happy”. He divorced her!  And now here I am,  left by him without more curteousy than a text message. Coward.

I believe that people can change, but sometimes I give people who don’t deserve it waaaaaay too many chances to prove (in the end) that they couldn’t give a shit about me. It is all about them and their needs.

Why is it that we always want the ones who don’t see us and never the ones who do?

As much as I or anyone has issues, you have to be able to talk with your partner – to go deep and have those vulnerable conversations about how much of a mess you are in parts of your self. That person has to stick around and love you still after that. They can’t disappear. They can’t sort of be there. They have to feel solid.

That was really missing from my last relationship. I hung on for so long hoping it would happen, but ultimately,  he couldn’t hang in there with me. He didn’t see me and he didn’t

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look long enough to even give it a fair try. No, he thought I was damaged. He went to therapy trying to find the right mental illness for me. He trash talked me to my best friend. He “loved” me in facebook with his sweet messages that friends and family would lap up, but he couldn’t manage to even pick up the phone to talk to me half the time.

It was a real mindfuck. On one hand he’d help me out keeping things tidy around the house or paying for this and that, on the other he’d emotionally terrorize me or always threaten to walk out.

I lived in such a state of constant flux, that I never knew what I’d get. He brought out the very worst in me. So many times he triggered past memories of my own child abuse and he’d laugh about it. He’d egg me on, telling me to hit him. It was so ugly.

I felt so on edge all the time. I felt fearful and ready to fight all the time. He would never calm down until he’d run through his rage.  I told him so many times what this does to me and how much it triggers my past, but any apology was temporary. Sooner or later he’d be back at it again. 

The more I think about it, emotionally, that man never showed up to support me. In fact many times he just down right sabotaged me when I need him the most. He was so selfish and needy. Even when I was sick and couldn’t talk after a surgery, he took advantage.

So…in summary…Here’s what I’ve learned:

Step one – pick ’em better.

Step two – be more tolerant of the stuff that doesn’t matter and less tolerant of the red-flag-waving bullshit.

Step three – pick someone who sees me.

…And she let’s out a big sigh and blogs on through this life learning a little more about something everyday….

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

The Road to Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy. We live in a society where any inconvenient thought or feeling is considered “drama.”

How do we find our happy place? Can we plot out our journey with happiness as the final destination? Can we steer clear of the “drama” until we are only sourrounded by people with no needs at all? Will that make us happy?

Avoiding unhappiness, is not the road to happiness

How many times have you heard yourself say, I need to get away? How many times have you walked out on people or situations that challenged you to stay present? How many times have you drunk, smoked, fucked, shopped, etc. too much just to avoid facing the unhappiness in your life? You’re not alone. This is a place where we can stop lying to ourselves, put down the mask and look into the mirror.

People are not happier because they’ve been through so little. They are happy because of how they handled getting through so much. 

Fear: Ah yes! Your fear can kill you from within making you second guess yourself into inaction.  Fearing death makes you afraid to live. To really live is to smile at the face of death and say “thank you for one more day”.

Happiness is in all the moments on the periphery.

It does not come when we try to force it or search for it or put a laser focus on it. It is when we stop looking that we catch glimpses of it out of the corners of our eyes. It is there in the moments we are enjoying a conversation, a play, the birth of our child, a five second orgasm. It is the moment when we confess to another our truth and they say with their eyes, I love you as you are.

Clariry of Purpose is knowing what you’re willing to lose to keep that happiness.

The key to everlasting happiness is knowing what you value the most and relentlessly pursuing it with all your might for the rest of your life.

For example, if the happiness of your spouse makes you happy and s/he is currently suffering, then you will not feel well either. You will feel her pain, suffer with him.  Your happiness will elude you. Therefore, you must work for her happiness directly and your own, indirectly. You see, your smile, your hapiness is the by-product of achieving what you value most – the hapiness of your wife.

Figure out what you value the most, pursue it tirelessly and you will know how to acheive everlasting happiness.

Mine is to be loved and accepted for who I truly am. This has been the main pursuit of my entire life. So goes the name…aneternaltraveler. 

What’s yours?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

The Hardest Thing

Sometimes you don’t get closure in the way that works best for you.  Sometimes other people withhold it because their bitterness is their last connection to you.  In the end, all heartbreaks are really personal journeys aren’t they? Even when you have your answers, you’re on your own to sort it out.

Blue Footed Boobies. Isla de Plata.
Blue Footed Boobies. Isla de Plata.                     “He sent you a text breakup and he’s still creepin’ on you?”   “Guuuurl…that’s cold.”

After my boyfriend broke up our 1 year relationship via text message, I couldn’t bring myself to even respond for about 1 month. There are no words to describe the range of emotions I was feeling. As a result of a misunderstanding, I reached out to him to thank him for something I, mistakenly, thought he sent to me as an apology. That is when I realized I was blocked — from everything.

I was in shock and disbelief.  Did he send me the text and go balls against the wall total def-con 5 NO CONTACT? Did he really want to even keep me from responding?  And still after a whole month?

I’m not going to lie.  I kind of lost it.  I tried every form of communication I knew of to reach him. Multiple times. I couldn’t believe it was for real.  I thought surely he would return a call or a message. Nope. Instead he found new places to block me. Nice. Who is this man?  Then I find out he’s creepin’ my Facebook page and even tried to hack into it.  Yet he refuses direct contact. Again I ask, Who is this man?

So there I was making a fool out of myself. All. By. Myself.

I’m a “why” person. Curious. Investigative. There is no surprise I became a scientist 🙂 I like to know answers to questions. I like to unravel cognitive dissonances.  With this I got nothin’.  Sure I have my theories, but ultimately I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t bring himself to have even a conversation with me.

Basically, I have been making myself crazy with constant – Why? Why? Why?

It had to stop.  So today I did the hardest thing.  I left my last voicemail with the ball in his court to call. I walked away without answers.  This is my personal living hell. But I had to do it for me.

Even if a relationship needs to end, do yourself and your lover a favor, end it while preserving one another’s dignity.

Still seeking everlasting love
– aneternaltraveler

Crazy Bitch

This article was so good I had to pass it on. I wish I could take credit for writing it, because I seriously couldn’t have put into better words the damage that many men cause themselves and the women they hope to have in their lives. Please read, learn, do better and pass it on.
Thanks Dr. Nerdlove.

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/07/labeling-women-crazy/all/1/

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

You Turned Away

You Turned Away

by: aneternaltraveler

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

You broke my heart

It’s been hard

You’ve shut me out

Left me with the just the shards

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

I wonder if you remember

To the moon and beyond

Laughing in September

Your brown-eyed girl

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

Now that I’m gone,

Your heart searches for me longingly behind my back

You’re still in love with me,

But listen too much to others about what I lack

While I’m reaching out to you in front

You keep it up – telling other people I’m a cunt

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

Your pride keeps you hidden stubbornly from view

Without advisors you don’t know what to do

Your whole life, the love of it, slips away

Because “I’m sorry” is something you can’t bring yourself to say

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad

Today was a mixed bag.  I finished 2 house projects – painting my backyard steps and reforming my rusted bathroom window frame into something more inviting.  I’m basically all set to do my third and biggest project – resurfacing my bathtub.  I have removed almost all the paint that was previously used on the tub.

Rusted Bath window, scraped and ready to refresh
Rusted Bath window, scraped and ready to refresh
After: BEAUTIFUL!! So, proud 🙂
Scraped, primed and painted. So pretty
Scraped, primed and painted. So pretty

So, that is my 1st out of 3 for the day.

Second, I got my teaching contract for next year set up. Yey!!

Finally, I went on a really awful date with a giant :/ I know out of the 3 this is probably the most interesting to you.  If I’m wrong, feel free to contact me for home improvement tips 😉  Have you ever met a man who was almost 7 feet tall? Here’s the thing, I’m 5’4″ – He was almost a foot and a half taller than me at 6’9″. You couldn’t tell when he was sitting down, at least.  When we both stood up, it actually hurt my neck to look up at him.

His size-matching ego was an even bigger pain in my neck. It was just supposed to be drinks, but “lucky” me, he liked me and asked me to stay for dinner. I don’t know how because he never asked a single thing about me. I guess he liked that I listened.  I tried to get out of dinner by saying I wasn’t really hungry, but I think he was so desperate to have someone listen to him that he said, no please stay you can always take it home with you.

Shit. I was trapped.  So, I ordered another beer. He went on incessantly about every little freaking detail of his life.  Then, here’s the best part – he asked me to give him feedback on the date.  I was like, what???  Are you sure you really want my honest feedback? Yes, he insisted.  I was like, well ok but you can’t get pissy if you don’t like what you hear.

In so many words I told him politely that he needs to get over himself and spend time getting to know his date.  He didn’t take it well.  I mean really not well.  He freaked out in fact. He tried to defend himself saying that he liked me so much that he was trying to impress me.  He claimed that it was my fault because I was so hot and sexy, that I made men nervous.  Umm…thanks?? So much that you can only tell me all your tales of woe?  Was that supposed to impress me?

My favorite part (as I was walking to escape to my car) was when he stopped me and said, “look the only reason I’m standing here is because I think you have value”. What???  I said, “I know I have value.  I didn’t need to hear that from you. But this is also why I’m not going to stand here and waste one more minute being yelled at by you. Goodbye and thanks for dinner.”  He was pissed, screaming after me that I never wanted a second date from the very beginning.

What a self-absorbed, entitled, jackass.

Then, peace – my car door drained him out, ignition on and I was off again to home sweet renovated home. Ahhh….

They can’t all be winners, but at least I always have a beautiful place to hang my hat. Someday soon, they’ll be a second hat right next to mine again.

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

No. I’m Not Over it…But I’m Going Out Anyway

Although the prevailing thought seems to be a long healing process post-breakup, I think something can be said for putting yourself out there as soon as you are finished with your first big cry.

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Here’s the thing, at first I would have been in no shape to date anyone after my ex and I broke up. This is mostly because I was bottling it up so tight to avoid feeling. Sure I put up my old dating profile, but was I dating anyone? No. It wasn’t until I broke through my “feelings barrier” that I could move on. Funny enough it was all started because he left a little drawing of a heart in the cap of a new bottle of coffee creamer. When I opened it, I lost it. The flood gates were opened and I spent days getting it all out.

I also took some time to think about what I could have done differently. I will apply those lessons to the next guy.

Meanwhile, back to dating. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates and it is so striking how different it is when you stop trying to “lock something down” with someone. I know in my heart I am so ready to settle down and build a future with a special man. However, I have to chill when I’m on the dates. I get to know who they are and we have fun no matter what. Meanwhile, I can evaluate in the background whether they would suit me as a life partner. If they’re not a fit, nothing was lost and I got to meet someone new.

I am amused with all the different types of guys out there though. For example, last night I went out with someone who I deeply enjoyed conversing with. He was well read, intelligent, funny, curious about me. He really showed some good character traits, like noticing when a disabled woman was trying to exit the building. He jumped right up and asked her if she needed help. It was just as though I could be in my “natural state” with him. I even found myself taking off my shoes and curling up in the chair at the Starbucks after dinner.

Today I enjoyed an afternoon date with someone who piqued my adventurous side by inviting me to an Indiana Jones exhibit (one of my childhood role models who inspried my travel lust). It was really cool to see fact v fiction. This guy was also funny and creative. However, he kept looking at his cellphone during the exhibit, thought that a paragraph description of a display was soooo much to read that it would put him to sleep, and had no interest deeper than the movie memorabilia.  Then we got to the Nazca lines part of the exhibit and he was so into it because it had something to do with aliens. Ummmm…what now? Did you say that you think aliens created the Nazca lines? His response – yes either them or God. I’m sorry…wtf? So science is not an option then? The Nazca people, not an option? Long story short there were alot of dealbreakers here in a row.

The point is that when you aprroach dating as a curiosity towards someone it is different than judging them. You can just say…ok this is how we differ. Then, you have a choice – can you live with the difference or not?  No need to ruin a date. Just leave knowing there won’t be a second one and if he calls to ask you out again, just be woman enough to excuse yourself politely.  Say something like, “I really enjoyed our date (if you did) and I want to thank you again. I just don’t think we mesh on the important stuff so I’m gonna have to decline and wish you the best.” Done. Simple. Grown-up.

What I notice about dating soon after a breakup is that what I want & don’t want is really very clear in my mind. So, for me it makes dating a more intentional process of weeding out because I am focused. At the same time, my approach is open towards getting to know another person as is instead of simply just checking boxes on my list. Who knows? You could just meet some really great guys that you can call friends. At least this way, you make the most out of your own time and energy.

Do I still love my ex? Am I completely over him? Do I have monents where I wish he’d call and make things right? Yes. No. And Yes.

But he doesn’t feel the same way so I have two options – I can wait for a call that may never come or I can continue looking for someone who does love me as much as I love him and who can’t imagine his future without me.

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So here’s to healing this broken heart while continuing to walk one step at a time.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Starting Over….Again

This Sunday would have been the day I took one of my dream trips – to San Francisco.  I was so excited. Planning all the cool spots I could visit! At work the parents even got me an REI gift certificate so I could gear up.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was no longer going.

You see my boyfriend asked me to tag along on a business trip to San Fran and bought me a plane ticket. It was supposed to be a reward for all my non-stop hard work getting my teaching certification while still working full-time.

Then, he decided to break up with me by text message almost 3 weeks ago. We’d been together for 1 year and it all ended by the use of a moden telegraph – the dreaded text  – no phone call, no face-to-face, no San Francisco.  I was told, “Sadly, that won’t be happening”.

I didn’t respond. What does one say to such disrespect? I decided silence would be the best response.  I gave him time to reconsider his foolish action, if even to call back to say, ” I’m sorry that was stupid. I didn’t even consider what you’d feel or have to say.”  Here it is nearly 3 weeks later and radio silence.

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He will head off on “our” trip alone in two days. I wonder if he will imagine the joy it would have been to explore together, what it would have been like if he’d only managed to treat me with care and witness me blossoming from his kindness. He will not have my smile beaming towards him. My childlike laughter and enthusiasm will fade away from his memories, eventually forgetting the joy that was once the impetus for him becoming a better man. Will he remember how we planned to “the moon and beyond” together? We had it all mapped out. 2 year plan, life plan.

What could bring a person to build and plan with another like that and on the other hand unceremoniously end things by text?

It’s taken me all this time to process the range of feelings. The pain has been so severe and deep, it has actually felt physical. I’d wake up in pain, fall asleep crying, and wash the tear stains away the next day and keep going on. I’d cry on the way to work and clean my face before I arrived. I’d hold it in all day and when I drove off and cleared my school, I’d burst out again.

None of the crying made the phone ring, made him care more, made him want to try until he got things right between us. It was just for me. Oh how I wished for him to call and tell me he was joking. How many times I wanted to call, text, or email him!  I had to keep from doing that.

Each time I was tempted, I reminded myself that he knew very well how I felt about texting let alone using this format for a breakup. He knows he slapped me hard across the face. The message was loud and clear – I don’t want to be with you.

“Don’t try to be with a man whose actions show he doesn’t want to be with you.”  That was my mantra. He knows where he left me, if he wanted to, he’d know where to find me. After 3 weeks he hasn’t even looked.

I am so glad I could finally write this from another place inside. I wanted to share the rawness with you but I was in too much pain to speak my truth. Thank you for reading and listening now.

I’m crawling back out of my hole again. I’ve begun doing things that are productive and meaningful to me. I finally got to work on house projects such as re-doing my bathtub or repainting my back steps. That has helped me see things differently. It pulls me out of the fog and sadness.

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I’ve also decided to start dating again. I have to say it has been nice laughing with someone on a date again.  The conversations are interesting and lively. The time flies.

This is so much better than being told something is wrong with me all the time. My ex would actually work with his therapist to “diagnose my mental illness” so he could get along with me better. Once, he even interrupted an argument we were having to text his therapist what to do.

The ridiculousness of it all. So many hurtful moments, so many attempts to forgive and go on, so much wasted opportunity.  I will never understand why he couldn’t just love me for me and chose to pursue a “mental-illness” label instead. It was so heartless and unloving. Always a new diagnosis.

I’m so relieved to be free of being constantly seen as “defective or broken”. It is good to be liked as me. I haven’t felt that with a man since I’ve been dating my ex.

He said he just wanted to make me happy.  Yet, to do so, he’d only have to follow-through on his words and promises. Consistently.  That’s it.  He walked away instead. So, I guess there was something he wanted more.

So, here I am … Starting over…again…

A journey……to be continued….

–with love from aneternaltraveler