Category Archives: Fear

There are Many Ways to Kill Yourself

There are times in this life when I feel like every effort adds up to nothing. It gets so hard sometimes to think of a way out because your mind is already overburdened with everything you’re already doing to get through the day.

How do you decide what can be let go of when it seems like each pieces has been perfectly placed to keep all the other pieces from falling?

It feels like a life constructed of scrap materials you’ve collected along the way.

You keep accepting less and less of what you want, until one day you no longer know what you want, but you’re sure you don’t want the life you’ve made.

You’ve compromised so much for so long you’re not sure how to reach for more or what that “more” even is.

turning point

If someone asked you what you want, you’d probably start describing everything you don’t want because you’re not sure how to answer that question in the affirmative.

All you know is that you’re heading towards a point where you’re ready to chuck it all, one way or another!

It turns out that there are many ways to kill yourself.  I’ll give a few examples,

  1. You can compromise yourself out of existence.
  2. You can actually kill your physical self
  3. You can “kill” what you’ve become up until this point and start over brick by brick.

Personally, I’ve done #1, attempted #2, and I’m mighty curious about #3 right now.

So, in ever growing desperation for solace and solutions, I ordered Jack Canfield’s, “The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You are to Where You Want to Be.”

I literally couldn’t find a bad review for this method and trust me, I searched out to 50 pages on google.  Now that either means it works if you work it or they have a really good IT team scouring and purging the web of bad reviews.

Now, I also have Louise Hay’s, “You Can Heal Your Life”, which feels more like a therapeutic compliment to Jack’s book.

I’d like to experiment with putting the two together to create a therapeutic plan of my own designed to:

“Heal My Life as I Get to Where I Want to Be” (see what I did there?  Pretty creative, eh?)

walk through a wall

I feel a lot of pressure building up inside of me and the need for a radical change to jump start my life again.

To piggyback on Bernard Malamud’s words of wisdom, I feel like I’ve got some serious walls to break through to get where I need to go.

Down the not too distant road I envision myself also doing a few other daring things far more daunting than buying books from amazon.com.

I’ve come to realize that there are a few things that are a big deal to me.

  1. Pay Off Debt Completely:  Sell my house and most of my things.
  2. Heal My Life: Use the money left over to go live somewhere dirt cheap, whether that’s in the USA or overseas doesn’t matter to me.  I need a place to work on my “therapeutic plan”.
  3. Help Others: Reach a point where I’m on the other side of it all and turn it into a How-to-Guide for others experiencing the same thing.

turn the page or close the bookIn a nutshell, that is what I want.  Pretty much nothing else feels as import as achieving these 3 goals right now.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I do know it hurts too much to keep doing what I’m doing for too much longer.  I also know that I’m at the point where I’ve finally found something to fight for and I’m willing to die trying.  And that is a feeling I haven’t had for anything in quite a long time.

In one of the beginning chapters of Jack Canfield’s book he asks us to write our purpose.  Here is mine.  This is what I live for.  This is why I want to do everything I do.  This is why I need to do what I need to do to get where I want to go.

“My purpose is to use my creativity and insight to support and inspire you to fulfill your life purpose, to reach your greatest potential and finally be at peace within yourself and with others. ” 

So, to I will leave you with this recently home-cooked meal as food for thought,

“This is my life.  It belongs to no one else.  I only have this one to live.  I can live it in any way I choose.  If I choose life, then I must make it the best one I can.  I have a responsibility to respect my own existence and do whatever it takes to bring out the best of myself and offer up my talents as gifts to this world. ”

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Behind Our Deepest Fear is Our Greatest Asset

There comes a point in nearly everyone’s life where they face a challenge that changes their approach to interacting in the world.  It could be they were affected deeply by a death, a divorce, an accident, a marriage, a baby, loss of friendship, a relocation or any number of other events.  Regardless of the situation, each person would share in a singular common feeling. It is the realization that a part of their personality has been locked away inside as the rest of them tries to compensate for the loss.  In essence, long after the initial loss or challenge has passed, an additional “loss of self” persists.

I came across that wonderful quote by Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

I had never quite understood the part where she says, “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”  I always thought, NO!  I would love to feel like that instead of all wrapped up in insecurity and fear.  Are you kidding?

To better illustrate my point, let me start by giving you some examples of the challenges/losses that I faced and how it changed the way I interacted with the world.  

I had a lot of tangible losses in rapid succession – It all began with my husband deciding to file for divorce (while I was out of the country). Then, I learned he wrecked my car and decided to buy himself a new one instead of fixing it.  Upon landing back in the States, I returned to a house that was half-emptied. I had no job and received no alimony.  On top of that I was living with the constant fear of becoming homeless as I still hadn’t managed to secure an adequate job to allow me to refinance the house into my name. I’d already passed the 1 year deadline and found myself having to bargain for more time to keep a roof over my head with a man that I no longer recognized as someone I was once married to.

All of this occurred within less than 2 years.  Non-stop.

Find your courage
photo credit – stepconference.wordpress.com

Of course, there are the other losses that are not tangible.  The loss of trust in others, particularly men. The loss of hope. Loss of confidence in myself. My whole mindset was fixed on survival and hyper-vigilant for any threats that may be lurking.

It’s not so hard to understand why, really.  That’s a hell of a lot to go through and a very short period of time to cope with it.

Up until this point in my life, I’d always been someone who lived their life according to a few simple principles:

  1. Be honest with yourself
  2. Have no regrets
  3. Love your life

I’d start a business if that’s what I wanted, save up for adventurous travel and go, push for betterment at work, stand up for myself if someone was ignorant, and so on.  I felt confident, had no regrets, and loved the life I was living.

After, all of this became locked away.  I became scared to shine, to speak up, and I sure didn’t love my life and now I have plenty of regrets.

Now coming back to that part in Marianne Williamson’s quote….“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”  

I think I get what that means now.  Yes we are afraid of failing.  We are afraid we are inadequate.  Everybody feels this way.  I sure do.  But I think her point is that our GREATEST fear is revealed to us in the moments we get to shine.  

Think about it.  When someone tells you you’re beautiful, that you’re filled with potential, brilliant, a genius, creative…do you believe them?  Or is there a part of you that says, “No! I’m not.”  “It’s no big deal.”  “Anybody could do that.” Or how about when someone tells you they love you?  Do you push them away thinking that they couldn’t possibly know you well enough to love you.  Aren’t you really saying that you don’t consider yourself loveable?  So your greatest fear is believing in your own “wow factor”.  That it could actually be true.  

See what I’m saying?

When you’re face to face with your moment to shine, when you receive a compliment how do you handle it?  Do you reject it?  It’s as if we don’t believe we have the right to even BE these wonderful things. So we hold back.  We shrink.  We don’t speak up. We don’t believe it exists in ourselves.

We are afraid to shine and be successful because we’d have to take responsibility for the fact that we did that. We are that.  You’d have to come to terms with the idea that it has gone beyond people just telling you that you are beautiful, filled with potential, a genius, brilliant, creative, etc.  You’d actually have to take that in instead of blocking it.  

You’d have to stop buying into the bullshit that you tell yourself and rise to the occasion to demonstrate your inherent awesomeness. And that scares most of us more than anything.  

When you are empowered, the sky is really the limit.   

Remember you do have the right to shine and to do so brightly.  You are born with a purpose.  You deserve to be here.  You are meant to fulfill your dreams and share your light with the world.  

Let’s make a pact to stop being afraid to believe in ourselves and just do what we have to do to find the courage to be who we really are.  

And remember,

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same”

Or as they say at Motel Six, we’ll leave the light on for ya’…. 🙂

What do you think?

– With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

 

 

Paralyzing Fear

I landed at my destination, proceeded to pick up my checked luggage and make my way to my hotel.  I was happy to have gotten away in pursuit of something I love – the study of language and culture!  While I imagined the possibilites for transforming my life, I was frequently reminded that the torment I held in me back home came along for a free ride too. Only my location had changed.

I was at a point  where I was desperately searching for an anchor in my life. Seeking my purpose.  The point of my own existence.  I felt like I was failing in all parts of my life.  And my pride got in the way of admitting it wasn’t working.

I didn’t know how to make my marriage work, my consulting business was slowing down, and I felt like I was having a hard time holding it all together.

I imagined that if I pursued something I loved while continuing to accept the challenges, everything would magically transform and be all better.

My life became more about accepting and managing my lot as if there were no other choice.  I adjusted myself to make an exception here and then there to my personal comfort zone.  I compromised to make this and that work. Eventually, I was kept busy remembering to perform all the new little rituals I’d adopted.

I believed that if I made enough room for everybody else’s needs, eventually mine would be considered.  Someday, I told myself, we’ll all arrive at some egalitarian utopia of euphoric bliss.  I just have to stay alert and organized and keep things moving.

But I couldn’t keep it up and I was starting to show signs of wear and tear from the stress of it all.

I couldn’t get pregnant for all the trying, but managed to grow a 5 lb. tumor in my uterus that had to be surgically removed.  I had developed chronic migranes.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was gaining weight.  I was crying sporadically for unknown reasons.  I’d have outbursts of anger and resentment.  I stopped wanting to see people, because they always “needed” something from me.

Three weeks into my trip my husband came to visit me for a vacation.  3 days into his stay, he left a “Dear Jane” letter on the bed while I was in class and returned to the USA without so much as seeing my face.

A Paralyzing Fear

And that’s when the earth began to crack and shimmy and shake beneath my feet.  I watched it break apart all around my feet until all that was left was a tiny patch of land at the edge of cliff.   All the muscles of my body tensed up and the last breath I would take, left my chest.  I watched the massive area of land descend in slow motion into the darkness below me.

I looked around and saw there was only sky, birds, sunlight, and the little patch of land beneath my feet.  I could not see what lie below me. I could not walk away in any direction.

So many questions passed through my mind.  What the hell happened? What am I going to do now?  How could I leave this spot? Why is this happening?

Day after day passed while I stood and watched the sun come up and disappear . I stood where I was and waited for a sign. The wind whipped against my body while I worked to keep my balance on my little patch of earth.  

Mother nature went on about her life and walked by me through the four seasons.  And still I waited for the path to return from the abyss so that I could leave.

One day decided to try sitting down.  I had stood for so long that I wasn’t used to sitting anymore and my legs felt uncomfortable trying to get into position.

As I rested on my little spot, I reached my hands below the surface of my seat and noticed that the earth was firm and had ridges in it like little handles.  For a moment I pondered whether I could climb down the stalk.

I quickly dismissed the thought, because I reasoned that I have no idea what lies below.  What if it is much worse than this?

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” ― William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

So I stayed and tried to manage all my affairs while fixed in the same position.  It was uncomfortable, but once again, I worked hard at accepting where I was at.  And once again, I convinced myself that I had no other choice but to do so.

The years went on as I watched the birds come and go.  The sun rise and set. The seasons cycle.  Often I’d reach below me and grasp onto one of the handles.  I’d fantasize about the possibilities of what could be out there.

I remembered when I was an explorer of this world.  Not a spectator.  I remembered when I was afraid, but did it anyway.  I remembered when I was courageous.

These memories and fantasies sustained me in position for a long time.  I convinced myself that at least I had traveled in the past like I had always wanted to.  At least I had been fearless at one time.

As time went on I’d learned to manage, though the clarity of my past adventures began to fade and the urge to leave bubbled to the surface more often creating a different kind of discomfort.

I couldn’t sit still.  The dissonance between my current reality and my curiosity to explore undiscovered possibilities, sharpened into a weapon that stabbed at my mind relentlessly.

serenity prayer

I realized that I did have a choice after all.  Only two, but at least a choice.

1) I could either continue to live what I’ve come to know or 2) take a risk and climb down to see what lies below the stalk.

Both choices require courage.  The first would require the courage to live without passion in favor of perceived stability.  The second, the courage to trust myself and embrace the unknown and the uncertain.

I want to find the courage in myself to climb.  But I am still sitting here only playing with the earth’s handles while being poked at to make a decision.

And so the journey continues as a third choice comes to light.  The choice of making no choice. It sure is painful to sit on a fence for too long…

Have you found the courage to get off the fence or are you sitting there with me?

– With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

I Don’t Get It

One day I feel like it all clicks and I am wiser than ever, the next day, I couldn’t feel more spiritually unaware.

Only yesterday I wrote that the key to happiness seemed to be in what we could let go of and figuring out what lights our fire.  It was soooo clear!

Here I am today feeling like I’m back to square one and all my inspiration has left the building.

I’m feeling frustrated because since I’ve committed myself to this path of “finding my true self” I’ve been more up and down than ever.

I know I need to move on from my job because it is a really bad fit, so I said I’d start looking online for another job today.

Instead I stared at the search box half-hoping the job I really want would magically appear.  I HAD NOTHING!

After shouting a bunch of explatives at my screen, my computer must have been offended and decided to crash and burn. Ugh..

I also thought about how when my house was a mess it seemed to act like a parallel to my life. When I worked on it I felt like I was getting somewhere.

Now that it’s pretty much finished, I am feeling the full brunt of my dissatisfaction with my personal life.

I’m some really strong combination of angry, resentful, impatient and disappointed.

Even during meditation today, I fell asleep 😦

I feel like one of these days I’m going to walk out to my car in the morning and instead of heading to work, I’m just going to keep driving and driving, get more gas, and not stop until I drive whatever it is thats in my way right out of me.

I feel fed up. Tired of the non-stop challenges and never-ending attempts at self improvement. Tired of searching and never finding.

And hurt somewhere really deep inside that I can’t find access to heal it. 

If a girl screams in her house and no one is there to witness it, did she really scream?

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Does it even matter?

Aneternaltraveler with a very heavy heart…

Distracting Yourself from Your Unhappiness

I was perusing the blogs at Tiny Buddha and I ran across a post called: Create Your Life: Having Nothing Can Mean Having Everything, by . There was this one line she wrote that really stood out to me and made me pause to reflect on my current circumstances:

 Life can get so busy, and often when we don’t like where our life is, we fill it with things to do so that we don’t have to think about our unhappiness.

I thought about how much my life has changed since my divorce,  how dissatisfied I feel with chronically finding myself in ill-fitting jobs, and the fact that I wake up everyday feeling like I’m an actress in someone else’s life.

I’ve poured myself into improving my house because it’s the one area where I feel like I am rewarded for my efforts.

But when I read that line, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I’m almost done transforming my house.  What will I do with my unhappiness then?  Will I continue to find distractions or is the time coming where I’ll have to face it head on and make some serious decisions?

As the questions formed in my mind, I felt the cold knife of fear tear through my chest.  These past few years all I’ve done is react to trauma  in survival mode. I’ve been picking up the pieces, “patch-working” my life together with the scraps I found lying around and losing my faith in hope.

I feel like the romantic I once was is buried under the harsh realities I’ve faced. I’ve experienced major trauma before, but somehow this time it has left me afraid, a little less bold in risk-taking, heavy.  

Maybe my unhappiness stems from feeling like I’m trying to make due with what’s in front of me instead of creating something that’s uniquely mine.  I believe that’s why fixing up my house appeals to me so much.  I start with a vision of what I’d like it to be and take the steps to bring it into reality.

With my house, my vision is clear.  With my life direction, it is not.  And I’m running out of house which means I’m also heading right into the fog that is my life.

It seems like I’m going to be left with only 2 choices: 1) face the unhappiness or 2) find another big distraction.  No matter what I choose, I have a feeling I’m about to arrive at a defining moment in my life.

Have you ever come to a crossroads like this in your life?  Tell me, what did you do?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Quitting Negative Thinking is Like Quitting Smoking

If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been working on finding useful ways to transform my life by changing the way that I think.  I really have to concentrate all day on consciously thinking positively, stopping negative thoughts as they enter and rerouting them.  I feel like a traffic cop.  To be honest just doing it for a couple of days has made me feel pretty tired mentally.

Today I woke up and I was feeling good and had some great things happen – like my neighbor bringing over the shut-off valve or offering to let me borrow his leaf blower.  As the day wore on I noticed that I was feeling anxious and panicky.  The tension turned into a knot in my neck and eventually a headache.

I couldn’t understand what was happening at first.  I tried everything I could think of; breathing deeply, repeating my affirmations, lying down for a bit, getting active, distracting myself.  Nothing was even taking the edge off and it only made the panic worse.  Meanwhile, I had to head out to the store to exchange some things I’d bought online and so I had to get a move on.

I hopped into my car and said, “Dear universe please help me understand.  I am at a total loss.”  No answer. Ugh.  I started getting mad at myself.  I felt like I didn’t understand.  I spent the whole car ride just trying to breath away the tightness in my chest.

My whole trip was a mess.  The traffic was awful.  The GPS took me to the wrong place (the store had moved and my GPS didn’t have an updated location).  When I arrived, there was construction and people were frustrated in the parking lot looking for a spot.  There was a lot of aggression around me.  I get into the store and head towards customer service and there is a line out to the front door. Inhale, exhale, keep listing things I’m grateful for. Damn it!  Why isn’t this working already!!!???

I finally get my items exchanged and pick up a few more things in the store.  As I’m standing in line, I reach for a drink and this lady behind me pushes her cart flush against the back of mine.  I said, “Mam, could you back up your cart so I can get in here?”  She proceeds to tell me that “I have issues” and then bumps her cart against my bottom.  I grabbed her cart and said, “yes mam I do have issues and one of them is you banging your cart against me.  I need you to stop doing this.”  That’s when she decides to call me “a dumb white bitch with issues who has parents who are fuc*** up like me.”  At this point I turned away and the man behind the check out counter says, “Just let it go.  It’s not worth it.  Don’t let her get to you.”  I take yet another couple hundred deep breaths while the lady continues to insult me without pause.”

Finally, I get out to my car, pop a few ibuprofen and pray that I just make it home safe and sound.

As I’m driving home, the answer to my earlier request comes to me (“dear universe please help me understand”) in the strangest of ways.  “It’s like you felt in the beginning when you quit smoking”.  And it clicked.

I smoked for 15 years and though I knew it wasn’t good for me, I couldn’t find the motivation to quit for all those years.  I tried halfheartedly several times, but I always went back. The longest I quit was a month.  I saw the negative impact it had, but I was also pulled towards the familiar, the comfortable, the cycle of addiction itself.  It was a part of my life for better or for worse.

About 8 months ago, I woke up one day and said I’m done smoking.  I put on the patch, grabbed my nicotine gums and I knew deep inside I wasn’t going back.  I was ready.  It finally hurt enough.

During the first 2 months I went through so many mental, emotional and physically uncomfortable changes, that there were many times that I started to question my choice.  I reminded myself that although – I can’t focus, incessantly think about smoking, my stomach is constantly upset, I’m bloated, I’m getting ulcers in my mouth, can’t sleep, feel constantly irritated, cry out of nowhere, etc. – going back to smoking now just means that someday I’ll have to go through this whole process again. That kept me going.  8 months later, I’m so glad I made the change even though in the beginning I was in hell and I had zero proof that it would be better for me.  In fact, it was much worse!

So when the universe answered me that “this is just like when you quit smoking”, it all made sense.  The “habit” of negative thinking is something that develops over many years.  It becomes so much a part of your life that it is second nature.  What’s more, most of us were raised with the idea that criticizing what someone does will lead to better behavior.  You may get the desired behavior, but you also get a lot of shame and guilt passed on with it and that all comes out somewhere too.  So we grow up and beat the crap out of ourselves and others because that’s what we know how to do.

To change a thinking pattern that’s not only ingrained in your mind, but in the mind of a whole social structure is no small task.  You could say we’re all addicted to a way of thinking and don’t even realize it.  For some people, it becomes uncomfortable enough that they are ready to change.  I felt this when I was finally ready to quit smoking and I feel it now as I work moment to moment to change my thoughts towards the positive end of the spectrum.

Whether it is quitting and addiction, a way of thinking, a bad relationship or whatever else you feel burdening you, there is temptation to slip back all around you.  It takes real effort in the beginning to keep yourself on the new path.  There’s not as much proof for your new way as there is for your old way.  It’s all about having faith in the unknown, in the dark.

Today, I reminded myself that I am human.  I am to be congratulated for the steps I am taking towards creating a better life.  I am not to be criticized for struggling to get there.

Finally, I could take my first deep breath again.

To quote Louise Hay, ”

All is well.

Everything is working out for my highest good.

Out of this situation only good will come.

I am safe.

If you take away nothing else from this post remember this: 

Whenever we exert the effort to change we are working against what we’ve come to know. The mind finds comfort in the familiar.  We are creating new connections in our brains after a lifetime of doing it another way.  Be patient with yourself, be gentle with your heart, and congratulate your beautiful soul for each success no matter how small.  No more shame.  No more guilt.  Throw away the criticism once and for all.  It has never served you well and it never will.  

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Here’s Your Proof!

Awhile back when it was still warm enough to wash my car, I tried to connect my hose to the faucet at the front of my house.  I’d been using the back faucet and dragging the hose around to the front which was a pain.

The problem was that the inside shut off valve was broken off so I had to use a pliers to turn it on.  Every time I did that it leaked down my wall.

Broken Shut Off Valve
Broken Shut Off Valve

So this was a no go.  I am a very handy person, but I have copper pipes and I know nothing about soldering.

My neighbor saw me running in and out of the house like a lunatic trying to see what I could do to fix it.

He said, “there’s no way around it, you have to get a new valve.  So I left it alone thinking aw heck, winter is almost coming and I’ll make due until next year.

Today, I hear a knock at my door as I’m racking my brain thinking of what to write for my latest blog post.  Who’s standing there but my neighbor with a shutoff valve in hand.  He said, “Guess what I found?”  I said, “Looks like a shut off valve to me ;).”

No Soldering Required!!
No Soldering Required!!

“Yes, but you don’t have to solder with this one. It’s new technology. You just have to cut the pipe into a smooth surface, slide each side securely into the hole, and you’re done!”  “I saw it and I thought of you so here you go!”

Then, he said “Oh and by the way, my friend stopped by last week and said he saw you raking your leaves out front.  By the time I came out, you were finished.  I have a blower you can use the next time you want to clean up your yard.  Just let me know.”

I woke up today and practiced my intentions and affirmations just as I explained in yesterday’s post “Just Be Willing”.

I couldn’t help but think about the affirmation where I say that,

I trust that the universe is providing for me everything that I need and I am safe and well taken care of.

I just want to say Thank You 🙂

I follow another wonderful blog on here that I highly recommend.  It’s called Chrissie’s Take.  Just today, she posted  that perhaps because of her new found positive outlook her family is gathered around her once again.  Read Chrissie’s post here: Grinch No More – a part of her “No Negativity Challenge”.

The proof just keeps showing up for me and for others.  Change your thoughts, change your life.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Just be Willing

frustration Yesterday I was down for the count with a stomach virus and that gave me a lot of time on my hands I’m not used to having.  As I thought on the changes I’d like to make in my life, I scoured the internet for resources to teach me HOW to get there.  I settled on “You Can Heal Your Life” , by Louise Hay and immediately downloaded it onto my Kindle.  I’m so glad I did.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels like their life isn’t working and hasn’t a clue where to start.  I devoured the book in one day and  put it into practice when I woke up this morning.

One of the chapters of her books asks you to write down all the negative things you were told as a child by adults and  compare them to the negative things you say about yourself.  Then look at what’s happening in your life and see if the negative outcomes match the negative thoughts you have about yourself.  By golly, they did!  I was hooked!

The theory here boils down to this – you get what you think you should.  So, if you think positively you should see it show up in your life the same way you do when you think negatively.

Just to give you an idea of the negative thoughts that go through my mind, I’ll make a list of my top 10.  Perhaps, you share some of these as well.

You Get What You Think

  1. Nobody is there for me
  2. Nobody respects me or sees my value
  3. Nobody listens to me
  4. Everybody picks on me
  5. I’m never happy in my jobs
  6. I’m bad with people
  7. I don’t know what I want
  8. I’m a failure at life
  9. I never have enough money
  10. I never meet the right guys

Ok, so guess what I have in my life right now with these thoughts?  I have difficulty with people at work, I don’t get respect, I am surrounded by constant conflict, don’t have enough income and I don’t in fact meet guys that feel right for me.  Surprise, surprise!!

expect good things

Change Your Mind

So, today I decided to start to retrain the brain.  I selected a few general affirmations and a few specific ones that spoke to me and repeated them throughout the day.  Here’s what I chose:

General Affirmations

  1. “I approve of myself”
  2. “I am willing to change”
  3. “I am willing to release all my resistance”
  4. “I am willing to release my need for…(ie. approval)
  5. “I now realize that I have created this condition.  I am willing to release the pattern in my consciousness that is responsible for this condition.”
  6. “I trust that the universe is providing for me everything that I need and I am safe and well taken care of.”

Specific Affirmations

  1. “I am willing to release the need to be unworthy.  I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it.”
  2. “I am totally open and receptive to a wonderful new position, one that uses all my talents and abilities, and allows me to express creatively in ways that are fulfilling to me. I work with and for people whom I love, and who love and respect me, in a wonderful location and earning good money”
  3. “I am willing to release my need to be noticed”
  4. “I am willing to release my need for praise”
  5. “I choose to let go of my anger, so that I make better clearer decisions.”

Entering a Brand New Day…

As soon as my alarm clock went off I committed myself to saying 5 things I’m grateful for before I could sit up on my bed.  Then, I read the affirmations above before I was allowed to stand.  Finally, I walked to the mirror and read  http://aplacefortheheart.co.uk/louise-hay/louise-hay-affirmations/ while looking into my own eyes.

Throughout the day, I reminded myself of those affirmations.  I even brought my index card of affirmations with me in case I forgot.  When a negative thought came in, I said STOP! and replaced it with a gratitude and another affirmation.

One of the great pieces of advice that was offered is that you don’t have to know “HOW” it will happen you just have to be “WILLING”.  Basically, the change in mindset will send a signal to the universe that the expectations have changed.  Be patient and consistent.

It’s Working!

Already today, I noticed MAJOR differences.  First and foremost, I literally had ZERO conflict in my work day at either job. That’s 14 hrs conflict free. I haven’t had a day like that in months.  Even when I got a rude email, I took a deep breath replied kindly, let it go and went on about my day.

I received more smiles, more cooperation, warmer relations and even had an easier time in traffic leaving me with enough time to get some shopping done, order dinner, and get 15 min. in a massage chair all before my next job started.

The point is…it all went smoother.  I was calmer.  I felt like I was in the moment and I enjoyed my day!  This was enough to convince me to carry on using this new method.

I’m looking forward to discovering what I can create by simply changing my own thoughts.

How have you brought about change in your life by a simple shift in focus?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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So Why Don’t You Do That Right Now??

Do you ever have a fantasy about what you’d do if you couldn’t take the life you were living anymore?  I do.  My “go-to fantasy” is that I would sell my house and everything in it, walk away debt free and travel endlessly overseas.  Sometimes just having a plan B is enough to keep me going.  That’s all well and good in your head, but what happens when you vocalize it and someone takes it a step further and says, “So why don’t you do that right now?”

Hmmmm….silence while mind is blown! 

So I’ve been pondering on this question since it was tossed at me last week.

Here’s what I came up with….

I am staying where I am instead of leaving because I need something from here.  Otherwise, nothing really would stop me.  

Digging deeper, I thought about my life and how I feel like I’ve been running away for a long time in one way or another.  I noticed that there are patterns that keep repeating in my life.  As the expression goes, “No matter where I go, there I am.” 

I think it is time to stick around and deal with what’s going on inside.  If I don’t, I’ll just leave this life only to recreate it over again somewhere else.  Do you ever notice how when you move or change jobs hoping it will be better, you basically keep running in to the same types of people?  I think this is because you haven’t changed your beliefs about how life is supposed to be.  So you’re destined to attract the same things into it.

What’s your take?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Do What You Have to Do….It’s Only Temporary

Do What You Have to Do….It’s Only Temporary

If you’ve ever had to do something you’d rather not do just to achieve a goal, this post is for you.

What follows is a recount of some of the things I had to do to get my house back post-divorce. The point of my whole long drawn out explanation and partial life history 🙂 is to ask you to remember two things in this life when you’re losing hope.   

When my business starting bringing in less and less contracts, I knew I had to come to terms with it and move on to something else. It was tough to walk away, but the market was changing and after a good run for 8 years, I saw the writing on the wall.  My husband and I had talked about whether we could make it work on one income while I found an alternative. Everything was set.  Or so I thought….shortly after he asked for a divorce.

He walked away like it was nothing and left behind a long trail of responsibilities for me.  First and foremost was my house.  A house we’d bought only 6 months prior.  It was a huge sum for me to have to find every month and selling it would have offered me no reprieve since it was when the housing bubble burst.  I couldn’t rent something either because I didn’t have a paycheck anymore and it would have cost me almost the same as my mortgage.  Catch 22.  

To add to the stress, our divorce agreement stated that I had one year to refinance it into my name or my ex- could sell it outright.   Originally, he offered 6 months.  I negotiated for more time.  Apparently a year felt generous to him in a failing job and housing market.  Not that he was paying for a darn thing. Apparently, he just didn’t want to be bound to me in any way.  Who was this man?

No time to answer that one, it was time to put the pedal to the metal and get the heck out of dodge.  

I didn’t have a lot of time to wax longingly about my “dream job”.  I needed money and fast!  I sent out application after application and zero, zilch, nada.  Here I was with a B.S. in Biology and an MBA struggling to find work in anything I was qualified for.  I thought the whole world turned upside down, not just my personal life.

I finally turned to craigslist to see if there was an opportunity.  I interviewed and accepted a job doing face-to-face fundraising for charity.  If you’re not familiar with this, it’s basically stopping people as they walk by and trying to persuade them to make monthly donations to assist less fortunate nations of people.  It turned out I was good at this.  Poverty was something I could really talk about. I’d seen and worked with it so much in my travels. I knew how people’s lives were impacted.  Frankly, I was also pretty hungry to pay my bills too so that was a big motivator.

I tried to refinance with this job and about a month out from finalizing, the company I worked for did a “corporate restructuring” and decided to drop their program.  I explained my situation and expressed my frustration to the loan officer on the phone.  I said, “What do I have to do?  Get a job at the bank that holds my mortgage to finally get this settled?”  

The customer service representative took what I said seriously and asked me about my background.  I explained it to him.  He said, would you be interested in becoming a personal banker because you’d be qualified for it?  I said, honestly if it helps me get my house back, I’ll do it.  He told me to put an application online at the bank website and assured me he’d talk to someone in HR on my behalf. We became friends on FB.  I didn’t expect much to come out of it.

Back to the drawing board.

More applications sent out, only the sound of crickets in return.  Hello again, craigslist.  This time, I scored a job that was freelance. They called it a “unique hair opportunity”.  I thought ok. My mom owned a hair salon.  She taught me a lot.  How bad could this mystery job be???  

Well long story short, I became a trained “Lice Remediation Specialist”.  The company supplied me with everything I needed and I’d get called or texted to go out to a job at someone’s house.  It wasn’t too bad actually.  It helped pay the bills so I was willing to do what I had to do.  I knew that I couldn’t refinance my house with that kind of job though.  So, I cranked up the engine again to find the next step. 

I resolved to get that bank job. In no way did working at a bank appeal to me.  But I was running out of time and money.  I reached out to the loan officer and asked him if he’d heard anything about my application.  He got into contact with HR and I went in for an interview.  I got the job.  

I worked a very difficult 6 day/ week schedule.  I didn’t like the work one bit.  I just kept telling myself it’s for your house. Eye on the prize.  I was running out of time.  My ex- was dialing up the pressure with his not so helpful reminders about the 1 year time limit that was coming to a close.  

I put in my refi application.  Then, the communication seemed to drop dead and no one would return my calls.  When I finally reached someone, it was after I received a letter stating that they couldn’t refinance my house because I’d been in the job for less than 1 year. Everything else was fine. Credit score excellent, no major unsecured debt.  None of this was a problem.  I couldn’t believe my ears. 

I was furious that my employer didn’t mind having me sell mortgages and investments to other clients, but wouldn’t even back me with one that THEY held!!!  

I had heard that this bank was planning to acquire another bank that I was affiliated with.  I figured while I’m on the inside I’ll do some research. I learned that their criteria were less conservative.  So, I thought, let me see if I can get a loan through them before the acquisition.  Within one month, I got the loan and I was at closing.  The house was FINALLY in my  name and for a payment I could afford!

I quit the bank the month after that. I wanted nothing to do with them.  It was hurtful to me to be put in the position to be used to sell mortgages to others while realizing my employer wouldn’t support refinancing my own home.  

I had had so much stress with jobs and this house refi that I wanted something easier and consistent for a while.  I needed to chill and get my bearings.  So, I heard about this gym that was going to open from a friend in the fitness community I was involved in.  I applied for that and got that job.  I’ve worked there for over a year now.  I knew it couldn’t last forever, but I needed a breather before I moved on.  It’s been good to me and served its purpose.

And now I have yet another new job that has some better benefits than the last one….and on and on it goes….where I stop?  I’ll know it when I feel it.

Remember two things as you go through this life and face challenges:

  1. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

  2. It’s only temporary.

When you feel like you’re going to lose it.  Even when you’re ready to tear your hair out.  When you feel like a failure.  Even when no one else has got your back and you feel as lonely as a child in the wilderness. 

Say to yourself over and over again, Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do,__________(insert name). It’s only temporary, _____________(insert name).  

I still have not arrived at a place that I feel completely comfortable in my own life.  And I have to remind myself of this mantra from time to time.  But when I look back I see that despite the fear and confusion and uncertainty, I did carry on.  It took a lot of perseverance and even more patience, but I did reach one of my goals after all. 

Consider making this your daily mantra for all the challenges you face.  And remember, there’s another step ahead of the one you’ve taken.  There will be solid ground beneath your feet.  Just do what you have to do to get through, then take the next step.

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Make no mistake, YOU are a success no matter how big or how small the result.  Let’s help each other out by leaving comments and sharing so we all feel a little less alone in this world.

What kinds of challenges have you had to face where you found yourself doing what YOU had to do to get through?  Share your success stories with us. 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉