For quite some time I have been trying to figure out how my now ex-boyfriend could have such bi-polar reactions in our relationship. Why wouldn’t he just follow-through when he made promises? Why did he walk out when he was caught or it became clear it was time to put his money where his mouth is? Why, in the end, did he disappear by text message from a year-long relationship filled with dreams of the future we’d share together? One day he was on, the next he was off. It was maddening. To make matters worse, he’d often try to make everything my fault. He was never responsible for anything including his lies and contradictions – I misunderstood.
If it is true that the greatest love survives the harshest conditions and he claimed to love me deeply and want to spend his life with me, how could he disappear at the drop of a hat? That nagging question has plagued my scientific mind.
Then, I finally stumbled across the answer and my jaw dropped. I thought the description was written directly for my ex. He is a “Future Faker”.
A Future Faker is someone who talks big about the future, but never actually plans to deliver. They sell a fantasy and when you’ve bought in and expect them to deliver – they’re gone ASAP and usually in the most dramatic disappearing act they can muster.
And you’re left there holding an empty bag. You keep looking around thinking, this can’t be happening.
They on the other hand feel differently. To pull from an article by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim,
“If it didn’t work out in their mind, if they’re not feeling compelled by another person to break ther typical habit, they write off the possibilities, press the Reset Button, and then lather, rinse, repeat with the next person. This also further distorts their self-image and general perception of past events because they focus on recalling how they made people feel good, not on how not following through caused pain and confusion.
They don’t actually care about how they made you feel after the reality breaks through the fantasy. They say what you want to hear and for a while get off on how happy that makes you and what you will do for them as a resultt of their words, but look closely they’re not doing much else but talking.
I found myself waiting around a lot for my ex to make good. I invested a lot of myself into him. I wasn’t prepared to just walk away without being sure I gave our relationship a fair shot. I found myself chasing after the outcome. He knew it was showtime and he wasn’t going to deliver. So, like a coward he escaped thinking only of his own back. I was left with the emotional mess to clean up. He, no doubt, has rounded up a new victim to sell his freak show to. As they say, there’s a sucker in every crowd. I was the sucker this time. Someone else will be next time.
Men like this don’t just suddenly begin acting this way. They are practiced at it. So if you meet him and he’s 35, 44, or 56, don’t fool yourself into thinking the problem is you. It is not. If he tells you his history as mine did to me and you’re horrified, don’t turn your spidey senses off – just go. Don’t look back. You escaped. There was nothing good there waiting to happen.
At some point though I believe it will be hard for him to even believe his own shtick. Future Fakers run out of people to blame and eventually look in the mirror old with liver spots, wrinkles, and withered muscles and they see exactly who the problem has been all along. They also have nobody there to love them. Time’s up. Karma is a bitch.
I have learned so much from this relationship that never existed. I have learned that:
1. Relationships only exisit when both people are being genuine.
2. People who try to fast forward quickly through the normal getting to know you / trust building steps are to raise big waving red flags.
3. REAL men handle tough circumstances with courage and integrity.
4. Actions must match words and if only one exists, rely on the actions to tell you what’s up.
5. Don’t make excuses for grown men. They are not children, they are not mentally handicapped. If you’ve made your expectations clear, they clearly know what to do. They either do and keep you or they don’t and they lose you.
6. Don’t ever chase a man down to fulfill a promise. If he loves you he will come through. A good man doesn’t want to disappoint you.
7. Leave any man who asks you not to trust yourself or your own thoughts or feelings. Leave if he tries to isolate you from friends or convince people you’re crazy so you have nowhere to turn but him. This is called gaslighting. It is mental / emotional abuse.
8. Only stay with someone who really gets you emotionally. Of course no one is a mind reader, you must communicate. But, if you have to constantly explain the meaning of things to him, there are basic compatibility issues.
9. If he causes drama the night before or day of a big event or something meaningful to you he is manipulating and sabotaging you. This man is not supporting your success or growth. He will be a bad life partner. Life is tough enough, you don’t want someone who would even soil the good times.
10. Remind yourself that you’re not running out of time, you’re not too old, and as long as you’re still making an effort you still have a shot at a healthy loving relationship. I am almost 40, I’ve been through two marriages and two divorces. My life has been turned upside down so many times it has taught me the meaning of the word resilience. I need to believe there is a wonderful man out there who gets it like I do.
So, in some strange way this post has turned into a thank you letter. Now that’s a gratitude challenge!
With love from aneternaltraveler 😉