Tag Archives: authenticity

Be Nice, dammit!

Being honest with yourself can be one of the hardest things you can do. The ability to see who you are and sit with it in peace is something I believe few of us acheive in our lifetimes. Most of us who do not sit on mountain tops, get glimpses now and then generally try to avoid the less than ideal stuff that comes up.wpid-img_991120245608510.jpeg

Recently, I was thinking about how difficult I find people. I really want to play well with others, but sometimes I am so completely overwhelmed by how toxic people can be. How much they are willing to hurt others for some perceived gain. It disheartens me. It is not as though we can walk away from every person like this. We have to work with them, live with them if they are family, associate with them if they are in an organization we volunteer.

I find myself often very depressed and anxious around these people. They suck the life out of everything and seriously decrease my creativity and joy. To make matters worse, they aren’t responsive to communicating about the problem and often try to blame it on you. It’s a real cespool of our worst human traits.

Personally, I have a hard time letting go of the feelings that arise from this because I feel trapped and uncomfortable. I don’t trust them and feel treated during our interactions. It plain sucks. To make a bad situation worse, it takes a hit on my self-esteem because I feel like a failure for not being able to handle the situation and create peace and harmony. I feel like the other person is saying, I don’t think you’re worth it to make things work. I feel resentful and angry then on top of helpless to advocate for change. A recipe for depression.

I’m curious to know if others have had similar experiences and at what they did.

For me, this one of the most challenging aspects of myself. I feel deeply, my skin is far thinner than people realize, and I have a hard time finding a way to positively interact with those who are unkind in this way. It eats me alive and I obsess over the “why!?!”

So I wondered if there are fellow empaths out there who have advice for me on not having it consume me.frustration

I suppose because it is considered unfashionable to “need” anyone nowadays, I have even tried to divorce myself from my own needs inside in romantic relationships. Fact is I’d like to have someone to take care of me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one looking out for myself. I have tried to make due with unloving men telling myself I can give that to myself and I don’t need that. That’s bullshit! You need to have both if you’re in a relationship. I miss feeling the safety of another person I can count on besides myself.

Nowadays it seems like everyone considers the other disposable. It is as if people try to pretend they need less connection than they really do. We all try to act like we’re ok when we’re lonely as hell and desperate for connection. Fewer and fewer people want to risk their own vulnerability. They keep people at arms length with texting and chatting electronically, but won’t expect themselves to act with courage towards one another.

Once upon a time, before technology became our life line to others, people actually faced challenges and people head on. Yeah it was tough, but it built character. You learned, by doing, what you could handle and as time went on you actually grew as a person. We talked things out and took for granted we’d be together, so the only two options were to be miserable together or work it out together.

The problem now is that now people don’t make that assumption and so their relationship is always on the line. You CANNOT build a relationship with someone when you are always willing walk away during challenges. No one could relax in this situation. With the constant threat of it ending, both people are not all in or committed. It is like being in a relationship that doesn’t exist.

Maybe it is nostalgia clouding my memories, but I remember it being easier to be in a relationship and to work things out with people. Now I just find myself digusted most of the time with how people treat one another.

Thoughts? Advice?

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Am I too Late?

I have been a wanderer, a traveler, an explorer, an escapist most of my life. Nothing of mine collected dust. I always seemed to have a Plan B, an escape route. If it got too complicated or messy or boring I’d take off one way or the other.

Though it probably sounds harsh, if I’m honest, I was still feeling this through both of my marriages. I wasn’t ready to settle down, to lay roots into the earth. Wandering was always in competition with this idea of what I should be doing at my age. So, I’d find myself with the trappings of a settled down lifestyle while inside I was fighting it, distancing myself and fantasizing my way out of it. Talk about the definition of one foot in and one foot out.

Looking back it is easy to see why I was so miserable for so much of my life. I was by no means living in harmony with my soul’s urge. I felt one way and tried to fit in another. Terribly painful way to exist. There are years of my life that I don’t even remember because of this dissonance. 

I didn’t form meaningful relationships with people because I didn’t see myself sticking around anyway. If I’m honest I didn’t really take my marriages as seriously as I could have either. To be frank, I didn’t have the first clue of what a marriage really was anyway.

So much of my life was spent like an out of body experience where some other force felt like it guided me along. I gave up control of that “traditional life stuff” in exchange for holding on to my fantasies of the life I wished for. Somehow I never thought I was allowed to have the life I actually wanted so I settled in a different way. I clung to my fantasies to make the reality I thought I was obligated to live, bearable.

After my second husband left, I spent several years watching my life tear apart at the seams.  After 33 years of living this double life, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. It was one if the most painful and lonely times of my life. I had to get a grip, make a new plan Stan, drop off the key Lee, and set myself free. How the hell do I do that?

I spent a year living overseas in Ecuador. I traveled just about the whole continent, I learned a new language, I got a job, I rescued working girls off the streets and offered them an education, I danced salsa almost every night, I learned that Latin lovers are not all good despite the reputation, I climbed volcanos, zip lined through the jungle, ate guinea pig, fell in love, lost love, lost weight, gained friends, and came home eventually to an empty house in the USA faced with the reality I could no longer escape. It was time to start over.

There was still so much distance between me and the stuff of my life. My house, my car, my things…all just stuff…meaningless. I had no real friends, no one I could count on. I was so used to keeping that distance and I could do most everything on my own anyway, so why bother?

I stayed this way for awhile. Had lots of disposable lovers.  For awhile sex was the only place I felt anything at all. When guys started to get personal or clingy, I’d drop them.  They never slept over. I didn’t want to wake up and see them. I struggled to keep the roof of a house I wasn’t sure I wanted over my head. I was committed to nothing.

Fast forward to now (5 yrs. later) and I find myself wanting to lay roots. Wanting to commit. Wanting love. Loving my house. Wanting a life partner. Understanding what that means. Wanting close friendships. Feeling so deeply that sometimes it scares me. Terrified that I’m waaaaay out of my depths most of the time with my understanding of this lifestyle. Freaked out that I can’t hack it. Afraid I’ll screw it up.  Thinking how behind I am. How much remedial training I need. How lonely I can feel now that I care to have people close to me. Resisting the urge to flee when I’m scared. I keep at it. I stick around. I want to find out if I could stay at a job long enough to collect a pension. I want to know I’ll be ok 6 months from now. I want stability and safety for a change.  I want to trust myself that I can do all this. I wonder if at nearly 40 I’ve arrived too late to the party.

I still want to explore this wonderful world around me and learn from it. I just want to have a place that I am happy to call home now too.

This is one of the most frightening adventures I’ve ever embarked upon. I am in pursuit of my own brand of happiness. The stakes are so high because the outcome matters so much. It’s finally personal.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Exploring Plant-based Diet

I’ve always been an animal lover. I was the kid who brought home every injured or stray animal I found in the woods behind my house. I’d try my best to fix their broken wing so they could fly, dress their wounds, nurse them if they were abandoned by their mothers. I wanted to be a veterinarian for a long time until I learned I’d have to put animals to sleep.

I wouldn’t consider my family to be raging meat eaters. In many ways we had the Mediterranean diet with my mother’s family being from Lebanon. We did like meat and had it with dinner almost every night. My family also hunted and fished so we shared the successes with each other to help feed each family.

However, I do really like grilling and if you asked me what my favorite food is, I’d tell you a bacon cheeseburger with the works. So, imagine my surprise when I found myself so impacted by a film that I started eating an almost 100% plant based diet and I’m feeling better than ever.

If you’ve not had the opportunity I’d recommend you watch the movie “Forks over Knives”.  In this movie researchers explore the possibility that people changing their diets from animal-based to plant-based can help eliminate or control diseases like cancer and diabetes.

What struck me was witnessing how the animals were not just poorly treated or kept in way too close quarters, they were flat out tourtured. All just so I could have meat on my plate. Something broke in me and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was focused on finding alternatives. Nowhere more than in the USA are we lucky to have the options we do. 

Many people think that having a plant-based diet is more expensive than animal-based, but I put this to the test and found for $50 I could pick up enough food for over 1 week (see pic below).

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I found that making 48 oz of green smoothies each day allowed me to get a huge portion of veggies and fruits in that I’d never have the time to eat. For example, one smoothie might include, – kale, swiss chard, carrots, bananas, mango, orange, and aloe pulp. Typically, I like to make them in the evening so that often I drink 32 oz for dinner and then put a 16 oz one in the fridge for breakfast. This works better for me because then I’m not rushing around in the morning trying to peel and chop.

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Green Smoothie will change your lifestyle for the better!!

It is way easier than I thought to eat plant based. I thought I’d be starving. I’m not. One of the other things I do is minimize processed food because let’s face it, potato chips can be considered plant-based technically. I use fresh ingredients whenever possible so I control what I add to my body and make sure I’m not substituting one bad thing for another.

For meals I eat balanced ingredients. For example, yesterday I made a salad with avocado (healthy fat), black beans (protein), cucumbers (veggies), and tossed it with a little olive oil, pinch of salt and vinegar. It was very filling. Sometimes the hardest part of change is convincing yourself that a different way wil work. You think you’ll be hungry but you’re surprised to find that when meals are plant-based and balanced you can feel satisfied without that heavy disgusting feeling.

I’ve noticed some great effects as a result of not participating in animal torture / eating mostly plant-based. I’ve lost weight, my eyes and teeth are whiter and brighter and my nails are longer and stronger. My wrinkles have softened around my eyes and mouth, I have more energy, I am calmer, colors and sounds are more vibrant, I am more compassionate because I’m living in accordance with my values and feel more connected to animals like I used to, I’ve cut my sleeping meds in half, I get outside everyday for workout of some kind.

Get this! My ob/gyn doctor told me that he cannot feel any tumors in my uterus anymore (they’ve disappeared!!!) and it is as if I never had a surgery years ago to remove a 5lb fibroid because everything feels perfectly normal! This is just mind blowing to me. I’ve had problems here for as long as I can remember. It was so bad that I needed surgery to remove that gigantic tumor. Now I start eating plant-based and the new ones have disappeared and everything feels normal – as if you’d have never thought there was ever a problem!?!

I am really becoming a believer in this way of eating for more reasons than one. I have to say I’m not being too hard on myself though and trying to do everything all at once. I still eat eggs and cheese occasionally. I eat Morningstar Grillers as a substitute for my cheeseburger. I’ve left go of the bacon, but I still add a piece of cheese and load it up with bbq sauce, and horseradish mayonnaise.  This, surprisingly,  does the trick for the beefy cheeseburger craving.  I also imagine I will still eat fish / seafood for quite awhile until I could get to a place where I could give that up.

I think the key is adding more plants to your meals and substituting where possible. If it is too drastic and there is not enough support, it will be hard to stick with it. I wanted to add that for those of us who want to do something good for ourselves,  environment, animals, but need to make a big change in habits and increase knowledge before doing so. One step at a time. Think of where you can add the good stuff and subtract out the not so good.

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Most importantly,  be good to yourself. Treat yourself with love.  Eat what makes you feel strong and creative and balanced and helathy. This is a whole new way to see food as love. You’ll probably be surprised to find that as you do right for yourself, you’re helping others as a by-product of your choices.

Now that feels good 🙂

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Oh..I Did Live Once

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Today I changed things up and went into the city to enjoy a folk festival whose focus was on the country of Peru.  Having lived in the neighboring country of Ecuador and traveling many times to Peru,  I feel a real affinity for the history,  culture, the region.

I had a date planned also, but I figured who knows how that will go, so I may as well make the festival the primary focus. Soooo glad I did 🙂 Who knew a professor of music could be soooo boring?

Aaaaaanyway….as I walked around exploring everything from traditional regional foods to Shaman’s performing traditional healing rituals I felt like I was “home” again. I realized how much I missed living among people in a vibrant community. Learning about the ways of the past and how they are interwoven into the present. I missed learning the ancient ways of being connected to the earth and the interdependence we have with one another.

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When I returned to the US from living in Ecuador back in 2011, it was a very hard transition. I felt very lonely and cut off. This country can be very alienating to the human experience and has an obsession with “getting over it” as if there is a time limit on processing impressions you make in this world.

I was in love many times while living there. I remember lying in bed next to a man who became my best friend and lover and having these wonderful conversations and laughing as I tried to find the Spanish translation for “orgasm”.

We would lie there comfortably naked with each other as the ceiling fan barely kept the humidity at bay.  There was no rush. The culture of mañana. At first this was very tough for my type A American personality, but I came to realize that when you slow down you make room for moments like this.

When I lived in his country he cared for me in such loving ways through a divorce and a difficult breakup with an evem more difficult Peruvian man. He made dinner and brought everything I needed to have my first dinner on my first night in my new totally barren apartment.

He helped me with many things. I did not know how much he loved me then. I was too entangled in another bad relationship to see. He would never force himself on me, but he was always there to listen and hold me through the rough patches. When I was alone on my birthday, he surprised me with a custom made cake. Somehow my Spanish and his memory were good enough to recall that I loved chocolate with raspberry filling.

And even after all this time and a country between us he still remains my dearest friend whose door is always open to me in Quito. Ahh….adventure, slowing down, really living and loving and being loved through this and that.

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This story demonstrates what happens when we really make room for people to be where they are. Pablo really loved me for the whole person that I am. I loved him for who he is and all the struggles that came from merging his Indian / indigenous culture with modern Ecuadorian culture. His refusal to cut his long tradtional indian hair, though it would be seen as more acceptable, would cut him off from his culture. Many indigenous men in Ecuador try to disguise themselves as non-indigenous people because they are often paid better. 

I loved what he stood for. I loved what he fought for. I loved that he always met me wherever I was at. In tears, screaming, pissed off and walking away (he would give me distance but always “catch up”, smile, hold me with one arm and say, estás lista, linda? And i was ready). I never had to force myself into another state of being to make him or anyone else happy. I felt I could be authentically me.

It’s taken me years to realize the biggest difference for me between here and there – authenticity. I was allowed TO FEEL however I felt and people accepted it and didn’t rush me through anything.

Many times this is what made me feel there were more hours in the day in Ecuador than in the US. Even though everything was significantly more manually labor intensive, there was a sense of being at peace and content with whatever stage of life you were at.

I guess you could say that it is when I lived in Ecuador that I knew what it was to be free. I’ve never felt that in the US.

Freedom for me is freedom to be who I am and be surrounded be people who accept however that comes out from one moment to the next.

You only know what feedom is once you have lost it. In its absence, you will try to substitute other things for it, but you know inside you’re aching for it like the embrace of your best lover.

It is no wonder I crave going back so much. It was my 1 year out of 38 years of life that I knew how to be alive.

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As I walked around today for hours, I had these and so many more memories flood my heart and soul. The smells and colors & sounds of a region that felt like home bombared my senses. I remembered when I was alive. The guy I was meeting didn’t stand a chance against that competition 🙂

I forgot how much I used to enjoy studying about medicinal plants. Since I was a child I was researching alternative and indigenous medicines. I used to study symbols and their cultural significance. I used to dance and sing. It is as if I went back to my own roots today and I fell in love again.

Perhaps, it was a wake up call that I must find ways of living again. 1 in 38 years is not enough life. I must go where I can have the freedom to be.

So much inspiration today.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Lessons Learned from a Future Faker

For quite some time I have been trying to figure out how my now ex-boyfriend could have such bi-polar reactions in our relationship. Why wouldn’t he just follow-through when he made promises? Why did he walk out when he was caught or it became clear it was time to put his money where his mouth is? Why, in the end, did he disappear by text message from a year-long relationship filled with dreams of the future we’d share together? One day he was on, the next he was off. It was maddening. To make matters worse, he’d often try to make everything my fault. He was never responsible for anything including his lies and contradictions – I misunderstood. 

If it is true that the greatest love survives the harshest conditions and he claimed to love me deeply and want to spend his life with me, how could he disappear at the drop of a hat? That nagging question has plagued my scientific mind.

Then, I finally stumbled across the answer and my jaw dropped. I thought the description was written directly for my ex. He is a “Future Faker”.

A Future Faker is someone who talks big about the future, but never actually plans to deliver. They sell a fantasy and when you’ve bought in and expect them to deliver – they’re gone ASAP and usually in the most dramatic disappearing act they can muster.

And you’re left there holding an empty bag. You keep looking around thinking, this can’t be happening.

They on the other hand feel differently.  To pull from an article by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim,

“If it didn’t work out in their mind, if they’re not feeling compelled by another person to break ther typical habit, they write off the possibilities, press the Reset Button, and then lather, rinse, repeat with the next person. This also further distorts their self-image and general perception of past events because they focus on recalling how they made people feel good, not on how not following through caused pain and confusion.

They don’t actually care about how they made you feel after the reality breaks through the fantasy. They say what you want to hear and for a while get off on how happy that makes you and what you will do for them as a resultt of their words, but look closely they’re not doing much else but talking.

I found myself waiting around a lot for my ex to make good. I invested a lot of myself into him. I wasn’t prepared to just walk away without being sure I gave our relationship a fair shot. I found myself chasing after the outcome. He knew it was showtime and he wasn’t going to deliver. So, like a coward he escaped thinking only of his own back. I was left with the emotional mess to clean up. He, no doubt, has rounded up a new victim to sell his freak show to. As they say, there’s a sucker in every crowd.  I was the sucker this time. Someone else will be next time.

Men like this don’t just suddenly begin acting this way. They are practiced at it. So if you meet him and he’s 35, 44, or 56, don’t fool yourself into thinking the problem is you. It is not.  If he tells you his history as mine did to me and you’re horrified,  don’t turn your spidey senses off – just go. Don’t look back. You escaped. There was nothing good there waiting to happen.

At some point though I believe it will be hard for him to even believe his own shtick. Future Fakers run out of people to blame and eventually look in the mirror old with liver spots, wrinkles, and withered muscles and they see exactly who the problem has been all along. They also have nobody there to love them. Time’s up. Karma is a bitch.

I have learned so much from this relationship that never existed. I have learned that:

1.  Relationships only exisit when both people are being genuine.

2. People who try to fast forward quickly through the normal getting to know you / trust building steps are to raise big waving red flags.

3. REAL men handle tough circumstances with courage and integrity.

4. Actions must match words and if only one exists, rely on the actions to tell you what’s up.

5. Don’t make excuses for grown men. They are not children, they are not mentally handicapped. If you’ve made your expectations clear, they clearly know what to do. They either do and keep you or they don’t and they lose you.

6. Don’t ever chase a man down to fulfill a promise. If he loves you he will come through. A good man doesn’t want to disappoint you.

7. Leave any man who asks you not to trust yourself or your own thoughts or feelings. Leave if he tries to isolate you from friends or convince people you’re crazy so you have nowhere to turn but him. This is called gaslighting. It is mental / emotional abuse.

8. Only stay with someone who really gets you emotionally. Of course no one is a mind reader, you must communicate. But, if you have to constantly explain the meaning of things to him, there are basic compatibility issues.

9. If he causes drama the night before or day of a big event or something meaningful to you he is manipulating and sabotaging you. This man is not supporting your success or growth. He will be a bad life partner. Life is tough enough, you don’t want someone who would even soil the good times.

10. Remind yourself that you’re not running out of time, you’re not too old, and as long as you’re still making an effort you still have a shot at a healthy loving relationship. I am almost 40, I’ve been through two marriages and two divorces. My life has been turned upside down so many times it has taught me the meaning of the word resilience.  I need to believe there is a wonderful man out there who gets it like I do.

So, in some strange way this post has turned into a thank you letter. Now that’s a gratitude challenge!

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Friends 4 Ever

I was trolling around Tiny Buddha’s website as I often do when in search of inspiration when I found this fantastic article about friendship. How to Become a Magnet for Friends.

At the end of the article, I was struck by the “Six Magic Words That Make Friendships Happen”

“What can I do for you?”

And that really sums it up. To be a good friend, a true friend you have to be of service to another in a way that they need the most.

It is not enough to say you care or to say you’ll always be someone’s friend. You have to show up and act on your friendship.

It is so easy to write a few words by IM or text or “like” a post in FB, but if you don’t get beyond this, you’re a fantasy friend.

I don’t know if it is my recent break up with my future-faking ex or if it is that I’m older, wiser and more experienced, but I can’t take anymore bullshit excuses for why you or anyone else can’t act like a friend. What am I dog meat? I can clearly see that you make time for other friends uh..because we’re both on FB. So what gives?

Nobody is that busy. Funny how they do have time to deliver excuses about why they are being a crappy friend to you.

You don’t need these fake friends, hanger-oners, or a fantasyland of ego trippers who try to convince other people that their lives are awesome. I call bullshit. Enough. Delete in fantasyland. If you’re for real, come see me in reality.

Venting complete. Thank you for listening, friend. I needed that.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

You Turned Away

You Turned Away

by: aneternaltraveler

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

You broke my heart

It’s been hard

You’ve shut me out

Left me with the just the shards

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

I wonder if you remember

To the moon and beyond

Laughing in September

Your brown-eyed girl

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

Now that I’m gone,

Your heart searches for me longingly behind my back

You’re still in love with me,

But listen too much to others about what I lack

While I’m reaching out to you in front

You keep it up – telling other people I’m a cunt

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

*****

Your pride keeps you hidden stubbornly from view

Without advisors you don’t know what to do

Your whole life, the love of it, slips away

Because “I’m sorry” is something you can’t bring yourself to say

*****

You turned away

What can I say?

It was so long

And now it’s gone

2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad

Today was a mixed bag.  I finished 2 house projects – painting my backyard steps and reforming my rusted bathroom window frame into something more inviting.  I’m basically all set to do my third and biggest project – resurfacing my bathtub.  I have removed almost all the paint that was previously used on the tub.

Rusted Bath window, scraped and ready to refresh
Rusted Bath window, scraped and ready to refresh
After: BEAUTIFUL!! So, proud 🙂
Scraped, primed and painted. So pretty
Scraped, primed and painted. So pretty

So, that is my 1st out of 3 for the day.

Second, I got my teaching contract for next year set up. Yey!!

Finally, I went on a really awful date with a giant :/ I know out of the 3 this is probably the most interesting to you.  If I’m wrong, feel free to contact me for home improvement tips 😉  Have you ever met a man who was almost 7 feet tall? Here’s the thing, I’m 5’4″ – He was almost a foot and a half taller than me at 6’9″. You couldn’t tell when he was sitting down, at least.  When we both stood up, it actually hurt my neck to look up at him.

His size-matching ego was an even bigger pain in my neck. It was just supposed to be drinks, but “lucky” me, he liked me and asked me to stay for dinner. I don’t know how because he never asked a single thing about me. I guess he liked that I listened.  I tried to get out of dinner by saying I wasn’t really hungry, but I think he was so desperate to have someone listen to him that he said, no please stay you can always take it home with you.

Shit. I was trapped.  So, I ordered another beer. He went on incessantly about every little freaking detail of his life.  Then, here’s the best part – he asked me to give him feedback on the date.  I was like, what???  Are you sure you really want my honest feedback? Yes, he insisted.  I was like, well ok but you can’t get pissy if you don’t like what you hear.

In so many words I told him politely that he needs to get over himself and spend time getting to know his date.  He didn’t take it well.  I mean really not well.  He freaked out in fact. He tried to defend himself saying that he liked me so much that he was trying to impress me.  He claimed that it was my fault because I was so hot and sexy, that I made men nervous.  Umm…thanks?? So much that you can only tell me all your tales of woe?  Was that supposed to impress me?

My favorite part (as I was walking to escape to my car) was when he stopped me and said, “look the only reason I’m standing here is because I think you have value”. What???  I said, “I know I have value.  I didn’t need to hear that from you. But this is also why I’m not going to stand here and waste one more minute being yelled at by you. Goodbye and thanks for dinner.”  He was pissed, screaming after me that I never wanted a second date from the very beginning.

What a self-absorbed, entitled, jackass.

Then, peace – my car door drained him out, ignition on and I was off again to home sweet renovated home. Ahhh….

They can’t all be winners, but at least I always have a beautiful place to hang my hat. Someday soon, they’ll be a second hat right next to mine again.

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Good Character is Sexy in a Man

We ladies all know the stereotypical a**hole.

He’s hot, arrogant, has a certain kind of swagger.  He makes you crazy in your head and between your legs. We don’t know why we stick around because he’s such a jerk.  But something keeps us stuck on him like white on rice.

Unfortunately, these drop dead gorgeous heart throbs are the only easy on the eye.  They are hard everywhere else (damn it, that’s not what I meant – deep breath..focus). They pick you up and drop you down. When you need them most they’re not around.  You stick with it wanting to turn it into something more, but sooner or later you end up crying on the floor. Not pretty. Not worth it.

Have you ever run into a guy that is average looking or maybe a little above and thought “eh, he’s ok”.  Then, he opens his mouth to speak and is magically transformed into the most amazing man you’ve ever seen?  Here again you can’t quite figure out what keeps you so attracted, but in this case it’s a good thing.

He’s like a breath of fresh air – a real good guy – so beautiful inside – a perfect combination of character traits. He’s funny, humble, intelligent, compassionate, selfless.  These guys are really uncommon.  When you think about it that way – stud muffins are a dime a dozen.

Too often we are trained to equate good looks with good character, but looks aren’t gonna let you go the distance with someone.  Character counts in a very big way.  The older I get the more I realize that truly good-hearted people are few and far between.

I have never met a really good-looking guy who doesn’t have a ginormous ego – a sense of entitlement.  It’s as if they don’t think they have to be a decent person or treat people decently because their looks give them a free pass.  Keep in mind these guys are easy to find – they are the one’s with their heads so far up their own asses they can’t see you.  As far as I’m concerned, these are some of the most unattractive people I’ve ever known.

They are empty vessels. Belly-button gazers.

There is nothing sexier than a man who is comfortable with himself and doesn’t think he’s the shit.  He knows his shit stinks (uh..because everyone’s does). They are simple and so loyal to you that each encounter with them leaves you wanting more. You know they love you and they are there for you when you need them most. He sticks to his word and is loyal through adversity.  Image result for good character man

The difference here is that when you are looking at a good man, you’re seeing him from the inside out.  An asshole looks good outside, but there’s nothing to see when you go deeper.

Recently, I had to let go of someone who was no good for me. We’d been on a yo-yo together for so long. I am so glad I finally did because it opened the door for that good man to walk through. Sticking around and hoping someone will change for you is a waste of time. We’ve all heard it before and I can tell you from my experience, it is true.  You are literally keeping the good guy away while you make room (and excuses) for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I don’t know about you, but I want someone who is compassionate, caring, humorous, not just a charmer. I want to be able to rely on him and know he’s got my back, who brings love and positivity into my life.

Looks come and go, but good character lasts a lifetime. And I want to go the distance with someone who can hack it.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 🙂

Just Leave Already

mighty-fine-ladies-sex-and-the-city-martini-t-shirt-by-mighty-fine-black-p279-371_imageHow many times have you sat next to your girlfriend while she sobs pitifully into her Cosmo (a la Sex and the City) about the latest guy? You still refused to give her a much needed wake up call. Didn’t you? This goes waaaay beyond – He’s Just Not that Into You! It’s about gathering up your self respect enough that you can tell your girl to opt-out before she loses her own self-respect.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that it can feel good to get at least some of the things you want from a relationship,especially if you’ve been alone for a while. But that doesn’t mean you’re getting what you need to make it last.

I’m all for letting the guy know if you don’t like something or what your preferences are. That’s just good communication. But here’s the thing, if he agreed to make the adjustment and you don’t see any improvement over a reasonable period of time, you’re probably not going to get further by telling him the same thing more often. Unless disappointment and empty promises are what you’re after.

Unless you’re dating a complete moron (which begs the question of why you’d be interested in him to begin with), he is capable of understanding the words that are coming out of your mouth. He would WANT to listen and make you happy if he were able and if he gave a flying fancy about you.

You don’t have to resort to scare tactics – threaten him, get all passive aggressive or break up to make your point. In fact if you are doing any of these things for that reason, please get real and understand that it is not sustainable or healthy to keep going on like this. If he suddenly promises to change when you make these threats but not when things are “normal”, then you know you’ve got a solid reason to opt-out. There is nothing to “FIX”. Nothing better to look forward to. Just honor the waving red flags, gather up your self-respect and get out of Dodge.

buh byeopt-out
noun
an instance of choosing not to participate in something.

Here’s the clincher – it doesn’t matter WHY!?! It doesn’t matter if he’s into you, not into you, has a tough day, week, year, life, childhood or is just not able to give you what you need. What matters is that YOU know what YOU need and you say buh-bye to someone who doesn’t meet those needs. Boom! Ta-Da! Done! There’s the magic! The Rabbit has left the hat!

–<3 with love from aneternaltraveler 😉