Tag Archives: compassion

Everybody Needs Somebody

Tradgedy and time on your hands has a way of re-teaching you who you are. It also shows you where you could use a helping hand.

I tend to be a person who hangs out with herself a lot. What do I mean by this? First of all I really do like hanging out with myself. Also, I grew up learning a couple of things that stuck with me.
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I learned that it’s best not to count on other people – so learn how to do things yourself. I’ve also learned to be a very good secret keeper for those who treated me badly but knew how to look good in front of others. These teachings have damaged my thinking and impacted all of image

my relationships. I’m starting to realize that now.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is fantastic that I can do so many things without needing to pay someone – case and point refinishing my bathtub. It cost me about $30.  I love that I am multi-talented!

The problem comes in when I don’t ever depend on anyone for anything, not even emotional things. I don’t have that group of gals I chat with. Heck, I don’t even have 1 best girl friend. I do have a great neighbor who I consider my best friend. We call ourselves the odd couple because he is 68 and I am 38 and we have a marvelous friendship. Of course he has a life with his wife and goes on vacation and such. So, when he’s not there I have no one. The thing is that other people are there, but I don’t form deeper relationships mostly because in good times and bad, I don’t want to bother them.

Eventually, if I’m going through something very trying and it’s beyond my ability to handle it alone, I can become very depressed and isolated. So, this is the ugly flip side of extreme independence.

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The order of events in my life lately seem to be of no coincidence. I am clearly being shown my areas in need of improvement and compassionately I’m also being presented with solutions. I need a better support group so that I feel loved no matter what and so I don’t have to rely so heavily on my romantic relationships to be the single source.

After 7 years of not seeing my dad’s side of the family, I was invited to spend the 4th of July with them in NC just when I needed it most. Then, they invited me to spend the week with them at their beach house.

I also reached out to my cousin in Nova Scotia who, despite never having heard her voice until now, has been a source of inspiration to me through various electronic and written mediums. She also wrapped me in her love and patience with the offer to let me “get it all out in a safe place” and to visit sometime.
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That’s the ticket isn’t it? One has to feel safe to open up. Part of being a secret keeper for abusive people is that you never know real safety. You tend to silence yourself and suffer quietly. It is not natural to trust , but very special and treasured dearly when it happens with someone. You’ll never meet someone more loyal.

Part of the challenge that I faced in my last relationship is that everyone in my life encouraged me to leave him. I did, several times. They all thought he was a piece of shit, psychopath, narcissist….you get the idea. So, when I’d leave and eventually find my way back, I felt more and more ashamed to talk to people. This can be very isolating and damaging. I was image
embarrassed.  I knew in my head what a manipulative bastard he was, how badly he was treating me. My heart kept going hoping against hope something would change. By the end of it all, aside from my neighbor, I stopped talking about him entirely to anyone. So I had nowhere to go with all the pain except this blog and my music. So thank you for keeping me going!

It’s past the point of needing to write a new chapter. I’m ready to crack open the spine of a brand new book and begin fresh with this post as my preface.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Send in the Clowns

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
—Robin Williams

I have been thinking about this irony quite a bit lately.  Most people think I’m a very happy, successful person who is well-adjusted and lives a good life. Some are shocked that I’ve had major challenges in my life.

I always try to make people feel a bit better about their mood or circumstances because I’d never want them to feel the terrible way I do inside most of the time.

What I find is that I’m left with no one to listen to me they way I listen to others. There are a number of people in my life who only contact me when they need something; advice or an ear, etc. Then, they are gone once they’ve gotten what they’ve needed. It is hard for me to make real friends despite my outgoing personality because they tend to be one sided. As anyone would, I tire of that quickly.

I find that I spend a lot of time alone. I am able to do so many things that most of the time I do not need to ask for help. Recently, I realized what a lonely life I really lead. The irony is that I’d really like to be involved with people who care about me. I’d like to have an inner circle that I could count on. It is strange how much I can make other people feel good, but I am alone; in my solitude with my nagging thoughts and there is often no one to comfort me.

For the 4th of July weekend, I visited a part of my family that I was estranged from for a long time. As I talked to my father’s only remaining sibling, looked through albums and watched my cousin interact with the family, I began to see patterns that have lasted generations. I haven’t even taken it all in yet, but I noticed the anger and the violence and the destruction. There may be one person on my dad’s side that is still married to their first spouse. Even those who are married are not in healthy relationships. I saw the way my family cuts people down and makes them feel small. I saw the vindictiveness and the way that the anger has turned inward on each person who lets their anger loose on someone else. I watched how they just struggle to find reasons to keep staying alive. I thought to myself how familiar it all is.

Everybody in my family has a broken piece in the unit; a missing father or husband, an angry man, a passive agressive spouse, co-dependents. I don’t think we even realize that we’re actually grieving that loss. It all comes out in wierd ways that we try to use to manage how close or how far away we keep you from knowing that pain. It’s like no one told us we could share the burden. 

I simultaneously draw people close and push them away with my humor depending whether I think they could handle the grief. I’m lonely because I learned that I cannot rely on people to stick around even if they promise forever or unconditional love. I cannot let them share my grief because to open it up with someone who will not stay by my side through thick and thin is to do nothing different than I’ve always done. Because I always get the same result, I don’t know how it feels to share with someone who actually keeps their words and doesn’t leave. I would very much like to know that feeling.

Here’s the thing, you can’t believe something else is possible if you’ve never experienced it. My experience is a lot of pain. I would like to be loved by someone who would let me stop being a comedian. In the meanwhile, I make people laugh because I don’t want them to come close to feeling the pain I do.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Good Character is Sexy in a Man

We ladies all know the stereotypical a**hole.

He’s hot, arrogant, has a certain kind of swagger.  He makes you crazy in your head and between your legs. We don’t know why we stick around because he’s such a jerk.  But something keeps us stuck on him like white on rice.

Unfortunately, these drop dead gorgeous heart throbs are the only easy on the eye.  They are hard everywhere else (damn it, that’s not what I meant – deep breath..focus). They pick you up and drop you down. When you need them most they’re not around.  You stick with it wanting to turn it into something more, but sooner or later you end up crying on the floor. Not pretty. Not worth it.

Have you ever run into a guy that is average looking or maybe a little above and thought “eh, he’s ok”.  Then, he opens his mouth to speak and is magically transformed into the most amazing man you’ve ever seen?  Here again you can’t quite figure out what keeps you so attracted, but in this case it’s a good thing.

He’s like a breath of fresh air – a real good guy – so beautiful inside – a perfect combination of character traits. He’s funny, humble, intelligent, compassionate, selfless.  These guys are really uncommon.  When you think about it that way – stud muffins are a dime a dozen.

Too often we are trained to equate good looks with good character, but looks aren’t gonna let you go the distance with someone.  Character counts in a very big way.  The older I get the more I realize that truly good-hearted people are few and far between.

I have never met a really good-looking guy who doesn’t have a ginormous ego – a sense of entitlement.  It’s as if they don’t think they have to be a decent person or treat people decently because their looks give them a free pass.  Keep in mind these guys are easy to find – they are the one’s with their heads so far up their own asses they can’t see you.  As far as I’m concerned, these are some of the most unattractive people I’ve ever known.

They are empty vessels. Belly-button gazers.

There is nothing sexier than a man who is comfortable with himself and doesn’t think he’s the shit.  He knows his shit stinks (uh..because everyone’s does). They are simple and so loyal to you that each encounter with them leaves you wanting more. You know they love you and they are there for you when you need them most. He sticks to his word and is loyal through adversity.  Image result for good character man

The difference here is that when you are looking at a good man, you’re seeing him from the inside out.  An asshole looks good outside, but there’s nothing to see when you go deeper.

Recently, I had to let go of someone who was no good for me. We’d been on a yo-yo together for so long. I am so glad I finally did because it opened the door for that good man to walk through. Sticking around and hoping someone will change for you is a waste of time. We’ve all heard it before and I can tell you from my experience, it is true.  You are literally keeping the good guy away while you make room (and excuses) for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I don’t know about you, but I want someone who is compassionate, caring, humorous, not just a charmer. I want to be able to rely on him and know he’s got my back, who brings love and positivity into my life.

Looks come and go, but good character lasts a lifetime. And I want to go the distance with someone who can hack it.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 🙂

Write a Love Letter to Yourself: (HINT: The waiting is over ;)

Dear Self,

Please hug yourself more. Accept the beautiful person you are. Please love yourself and nurture your soul.  There will never be another you and another version will never do. Just be YOU.

Do you know that you have a smile that reminds people that joylove letters to myself still exists in this world? When you laugh the child in you comes out to play. Protect her and check-in often. She’ll keep you true to yourself.

Please make choices that honor yourself beyond all else. It’s ok to be lost sometimes.  But if you want to know your purpose when times get hard or confusing —  remember it is what drives you, not just what you can do. Please also remember that no matter what, the love you have for yourself is the most important kind of love there is. Just look inside and you will find the right answer waiting for you.

You are both bright and compassionate. You can trust your heart and mind. Never let anyone try to convince you otherwise. It hasn’t always been easy for you and you are allowed to admit that too. Pat yourself on the back more often, because no matter how down and out, you’ve always made it through.

You have a resiliency that keeps you bouncing back long after others would have laid down for the count.  You are a true champion because you’ve learned what’s worth fighting for and what’s not worth the effort anymore. Never be afraid to stand up for who you are and what you believe in.  Never silence your voice –especially in the face of violence or exploitation.

You are beautiful inside and out. Stay true to who you are. People say you look younger than your age. Somehow, despite all that tough times, you’ve managed to hold on to hope and see the glass half full. You don’t act your age either. What a wonderful thing that is to still believe in magic. Remember what you truly believe always shows through. Your face will always tell the story of YOU.

As you go through life, remember to forgive – yourself and others. You will have to do it often, so develop that skill early and thoroughly.  When you feel like judging yourself or others, just stop. It doesn’t serve you or anyone else.  Try instead to understand others perspectives.

With all that you have learned and everything you are thus far not to mention the places you’ll venture off to, there is no doubt in my heart that you will find all of the true loves you are destined for.  Just keep being YOU and loving the heck out of yourself.

Love,

Myself

— with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Have You Settled for Less Yet?

yoloDo we all reach a point in our lives where even the most rebellious among us finds themselves settling? Have your dreams started to feel like old wrinkled black and white pictures of days gone by?  Do you even remember having a dream?

Is it that we reach a point in our lives in which we boil down to the bones what’s most important to us and go for that minimum? OR — are we settling for less because we are no longer willing to wait for our dreams to come true?

I talk to a lot of people who have found themselves still working in a job 10-15 years later that they said was temporary.  They were going to light the world on fire with their ideas.  They weren’t gonna get caught up in it all.  They were going to show us all how to live. We wanted to be them.  Maybe we were them.

How about the women who have given up on meeting Mr. Right and have opted for Mr. Good Enough because at least she knows he’s real.  It’s not passionate and everything you’ve dreamed, but it’s not lonely either.

And then, I think of all the things most of us put off until (the) tomorrow (that never comes), and it feels like we take for granted the time we have and the people in our lives.  Suddenly, one day you wake up (usually about the time you notice you’re really unhappy with your life) and realize that you’re entrenched so deeply in the life you HAVE created, that the life we wanted has already passed you by. Remember, those were those “crazy” choices that you talked yourself out of because it “wasn’t practical.”

As time goes on, we start to rationalize things, especially our lives.  We tell ourselves it isn’t that bad. We have to make sense out of where we “ended up”, right? How many of us have just moved the goal post and tried to be happy about it? Or maybe you openly admit that you’ve settled, because the alternative is trying to rebuild something better from scratch.  Right now at least you’re living some kind of successful life.  And maybe that has be good enough.  Whether it is or it isn’t…

Because honestly, at this point what would motivate you to bother doing better?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Gratitude Challenge Day 27 of 30

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Challenge Day 27 of 30 – Gratitude for Kindness

Never ask yourself if the kindness of strangers is an accident. Everything happens for some reason. In that moment you needed to be reminded that you are seen and loved. Kindness between two or more people is another way to say friendship. It is the fastest way to make a stranger a friend.

Kindness to oneself is an act of love so profound that the rays of your self-acceptance stretch out so wide that they touch others and tenderly give them permission to be who they are too.

Kindness requires compassion. Compassion is the root of love. Every kindness we offer is the manifestation of love.

To whom will you extend your loving kindness today? How will you manifest love in your life?

I am grateful to have the knowlege that there is a very practical way to show love to everyone and anyone no matter the walk of life or the conflict you may find yourself in. Even cooler — Anyone can do it.

Just be kind. Repeat.

With gratitude from aneternaltraveler ; )

Unconditional Love

When you show compassion to another being, something softens in you as you begin to see them in you and yourself in them. This “softness” is not weakness. It is a sign that your inner being is being strengthened.

To reach out to another with a sense of knowing that you are connected to them and there is a sameness between you is to realize love.

It is simple.

They are in need, you observe this need and you reach out in loving kindness to fulfill this need.

If Compassion=Love, then “Unconditional Love” can be defined as “Compassion without Conditions”.

You do not judge, feel sorry for them, or even imagine that you might solve all their problems. You’re just there easing their distress at this moment.

When you move on from this moment, a wise part of you will share a secret with you. Psst….Giving and receiving compassion moment to moment….This is the point of life.

With love from aneternaltraveler ❤