Tag Archives: dating

Fly into the Light, Butterfly

Like a worm in a cocoon we are unaware of the transformation taking place until the moment we emerge a butterfly.

As the season that represents the hopes and dreams of the world is upon us once again, I find myself  filled with a hope and joy in my life I haven’t felt since 2003. 12 years in the making. I nearly gave up many times. It has been a long journey; at times very painful. Nonetheless, I have finally arrived. Today, I realized it all at once.

I haven’t been on a solo travel adventure  in some time.  As I left my house this morning my luggage lightly packed to leave room for possibilities, I stood on my front porch and taking a deep breath I thought – you’re really happy aren’t you?

I am at peace.  I finally care about something again.  In my teaching, I have purpose.  They help me be a better person and I help them too. I have great friends. I haven’t found that one special guy yet, but I’m enjoying dating 4 different men of interest in the meanwhile 🙂  I make a good salary finally and found a way to make extra money and paid off all my student loans.  I am debt free.  In 3 months I took my 7th graders to great success in an engineering competition where they were 5 of only 12 students in two counties to be awarded “outstanding engineers” and have lunch with the Chief Scientist of NASA. My life is on the rise again after fighting in the trenches so long. 12 long years.

I’m estranged from my mother who left me on Mother’s day, yet to return again. I have made peace with her choice and learned there are some things you cannot control.  One of those things is how people choose to behave and interact with the world.  Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to let them go. Many times she asked me to leave her life. I wasn’t listening.  Now I hear loud and clear.  At about the same time my ex-boyfriend had left and my pet of 16 years died.  The timing of those two relationships ending was the peak of the tragedy over these 12 years. I spent much of the summer recovering from two big blows. I was really alone with myself once again.

After I came out of it all, I began to map out how I wanted the future to look. I became very clear on what I would and would not accept into my life. I thought a lot about what I wanted to focus on.  I made a plan. I stayed focused.  And you know what? I’ve been knocking it out of the park.  My goals are from my soul so working towards them feels in harmony with who I am.  When I FEEL that connection, I know I’m on the right path.

I also made the choice to have a serious talk with my doctor to manage a debilitating health concern when I finally couldn’t continue to have any quality of life without beginning medication. It is something that no one knows about and I’ve kept private for a very long time.

“Coming out”, if you will, freed my soul and allowed me to accept the whole me. Walking into the sunlight helped me love myself better.  In the end seeking treatment instead of suffering all these years was a great act of self-love.  Everyday I am happy I made the choice and my only wish is that I had made it sooner. That conversation with my doctor saved my life.

So, now I head to the red rocks and sunshine of health-conscious Sedona to introduce myself to the world of butterflies.  A new beginning; surrounded by some of the best of natures’ creation, I will spread my newborn wings and fly towards that which brings joy, peace, and health.  I look forward to witnessing the vastness of the Grand Canyon and drinking in the elixer of possibility seeing both my smallness and my greatness at once.

As  I go into the new year, I have but one resolution – to keep flying towards the light.

—- With love this holiday season from aneternaltraveler ❤

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Be Nice, dammit!

Being honest with yourself can be one of the hardest things you can do. The ability to see who you are and sit with it in peace is something I believe few of us acheive in our lifetimes. Most of us who do not sit on mountain tops, get glimpses now and then generally try to avoid the less than ideal stuff that comes up.wpid-img_991120245608510.jpeg

Recently, I was thinking about how difficult I find people. I really want to play well with others, but sometimes I am so completely overwhelmed by how toxic people can be. How much they are willing to hurt others for some perceived gain. It disheartens me. It is not as though we can walk away from every person like this. We have to work with them, live with them if they are family, associate with them if they are in an organization we volunteer.

I find myself often very depressed and anxious around these people. They suck the life out of everything and seriously decrease my creativity and joy. To make matters worse, they aren’t responsive to communicating about the problem and often try to blame it on you. It’s a real cespool of our worst human traits.

Personally, I have a hard time letting go of the feelings that arise from this because I feel trapped and uncomfortable. I don’t trust them and feel treated during our interactions. It plain sucks. To make a bad situation worse, it takes a hit on my self-esteem because I feel like a failure for not being able to handle the situation and create peace and harmony. I feel like the other person is saying, I don’t think you’re worth it to make things work. I feel resentful and angry then on top of helpless to advocate for change. A recipe for depression.

I’m curious to know if others have had similar experiences and at what they did.

For me, this one of the most challenging aspects of myself. I feel deeply, my skin is far thinner than people realize, and I have a hard time finding a way to positively interact with those who are unkind in this way. It eats me alive and I obsess over the “why!?!”

So I wondered if there are fellow empaths out there who have advice for me on not having it consume me.frustration

I suppose because it is considered unfashionable to “need” anyone nowadays, I have even tried to divorce myself from my own needs inside in romantic relationships. Fact is I’d like to have someone to take care of me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one looking out for myself. I have tried to make due with unloving men telling myself I can give that to myself and I don’t need that. That’s bullshit! You need to have both if you’re in a relationship. I miss feeling the safety of another person I can count on besides myself.

Nowadays it seems like everyone considers the other disposable. It is as if people try to pretend they need less connection than they really do. We all try to act like we’re ok when we’re lonely as hell and desperate for connection. Fewer and fewer people want to risk their own vulnerability. They keep people at arms length with texting and chatting electronically, but won’t expect themselves to act with courage towards one another.

Once upon a time, before technology became our life line to others, people actually faced challenges and people head on. Yeah it was tough, but it built character. You learned, by doing, what you could handle and as time went on you actually grew as a person. We talked things out and took for granted we’d be together, so the only two options were to be miserable together or work it out together.

The problem now is that now people don’t make that assumption and so their relationship is always on the line. You CANNOT build a relationship with someone when you are always willing walk away during challenges. No one could relax in this situation. With the constant threat of it ending, both people are not all in or committed. It is like being in a relationship that doesn’t exist.

Maybe it is nostalgia clouding my memories, but I remember it being easier to be in a relationship and to work things out with people. Now I just find myself digusted most of the time with how people treat one another.

Thoughts? Advice?

All the Things Money Can’t Buy

I was chatting with some friends last night over dinner and catching them up on my life. As these conversations often do, we found ourselves talking about relationships.

What do You Want?
A friend turned to me and said, if you could summarize what you want from a relationship in one sentence what would you say? This was an interesting challenge. After a few minutes I said, “I want to be with a man for all the things that money can’t buy”.

Apparently, this was a profound statement because everyone stopped eating, stared off for a moment and returned with – “Wow. Yeah. Me too. Well said.”

Can’t Buy Me Love
While this is not to say I want to be with someone without 2 nickels to rub together,  I also can’t be bought. There is NO replacement for:

  Intimacy
  Empathy
  Consideration
  Bonding
  Respect
  Tenderness
  Authenticity
  Hugs at the right moment
  Compassion
  Good conversation
  Really listening
  Making quality time
  Being held
  Divulging deep dark secrets without fear
  Safety
  Consistency
  Acceptance of who and what you are
  Great character
  Kindness to strangers
  Humility
  Great sense of humor used at the right time

Too many times I experience individuals so desperately trying to keep a relationship that they give stuff, their bodies, favors in hopes that they will be loved in return. These are gestures of fear and desperation. You cannot make love from this space.  If there was one word thst could summarize all the others above it would be to connect to someone. This makes loves because you are actually thinking of and feeling for the other person.

Enough about Me, Tell Me about You
I like to think of love like being open and ever curious. If you don’t feel this or have anxiety or fear then you are not in a good space to find, to make or to maintain love.  When you stop thinking about me, me, me and how I get my needs met, you can open up to another person and get to know them. Funny thing is that with most people they want to reciprocate. So, you have a better chance of getting what you want by showing another person the same curiosity you would like first.

It really struck me to finally have a simple set of words to frame what I’m looking for in a relationship. It goes a step further though I think. As we say in science,  like attracts like. If I am the qualities on that list, I will attract that kind of person into my life. Those we are with are a reflection of how we see ourselves afterall. In other words be the person you’re looking for.

 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Soul Food

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Ok. First things first! I’m bragging on this slapped together recipe. It’s sooooo good. My Jamaican neighbor keeps me supplied with “Jamaican Kale” throughout the summer and I constantly try to find new things to do with it.

So, what’s in it?:
Bunch of Jamaican Kale
A few roasted red peppers
Can of Atrichoke Hearts
1/4 c. Feta cheese
Sauteed in olive oil with crushed garlic, pepper & salt
Put on top of a whole wheat pita and enjoy!

I was in a funk still today. This getting over my ex thing is harder than I thought it would be. I mean could I jump into another relationship?  Sure. I could distract myself with casual flings. I could pretend that I never felt anything for him. I could drink heavily to dull the hurt. There are a lot of not so great things I could do that would only make things worse.

Or….

I could take care of my soul. I could eat well and enjoy the scents of cooking a meal with fresh ingredients. I could play music and compose again, I could reconnect with people I’ve lost contact with. I could exercise and pamper myself. And frankly, I can take care of myself intimately until someone who really lights my soul on fire takes over other duties as assigned 🙂

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Me "playing" my dad's guitar

I know everyone is different when it comes to coping with things. I personally take awhile to get over the end of serious relationships. I am a very sensitive person in that I am very emapthetic so I really feel things. I’m not the type that can turn that off. Its just part of my make up. I always want things to end well. Often, I struggle to understand why people wouldn’t do everything they can to bring about peaceful endings.

I am a mess of a person like we all are in some way, I guess. I’ve got quirks and dysfunctions and sometimes I wonder how to make it through this world a prisioner inside my own head.

I think most of us are just trying to move through life and sqeeze as much pleasure out if it as we can. We hope to know our greatest pleasure in our own lifetime. We assume it will reveal itself as another person who looks deeply into our soul and says, “I accept you” and sticks around forever loving you for being that person.

In the meanwhile, I think the greatest thing we can do for our single selves is love the hell out of ourselves; getting to know and accepting every nook and cranny until we’re completely irresistible.

I’m starting to think it’s not about being perfect or figuring out what’s wrong with you. The road to fulfilling life cannot possibly be among the pages of self-help books aimed to fix you. I have done this my whole life and I’ve really just managed to feel worse about myself. I mean what if the only thing wrong with me is that I don’t accept myself fully? What if instead of focusing on what needs to be fixed, I focused on accepting the person who is there and loving her to pieces? What if I fell in love with her “as is”? I wonder what would happen if we all did that?

If you’re like me and haven’t found a partner that loves (aka fully accepts) the person you are and finds you irresistible enough to want to spend forever by your side, let’s make a pact.

We will give ourselves the love we want from someone else. We will treat ourselves right. We will do for ourselves what we want from them. We will go alone to places we want to go together with them.

This way when he/she comes along we will recognize them as the right fit because s/he treats us that good.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

40-yr. Old Virgins are Real?!?

I don’t think I have ever gone out on a date with someone who has as many issues as the guy I met tonight. What’s more, he shared all of this with me on our 1st (and last) date. If there was a reason to heed warnings about over- sharing on date 1, this is it. Also, if you ever need examples of red flags I am about to introduce you to a plethora of examples. So, here’s to 1st  date # 10. I’m 1/5 of my way to 50 first dates.

When we first laid eyes on each other it was clear there was a mutual attraction. I was siked because I hadn’t felt any real initial attraction towards my last 9 suitors. What a great start. Bonus he also likes Amstel Light.  Don’t ask me why that even matters?!?

As we talked the first thing I noticed was the pace of his questions for me quickening to the point where I barely opened my mouth to answer before he was interrupting. Odd, I thought because he didn’t seem like the type who flat out didn’t care. He actually did have interesting questions. I just felt like I was running a race answering them.

What’s the problem?:
Unstable employment/ poor impulse control
As we went on he began sharing about his life and how he quit a job without notice so he could take a 6 week vacation.  This puzzled me. Why not give two weeks notice? Apparently he was so irritated with management’s decisions, he couldn’t make himself last 2 more weeks.

What’s the problem?:
40 year old virgin – no girlfriend ever– poor social skills, no good role models
He literally was a 40 year old virgin. He is now 41. When he told me I laughed so hard because I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.  My jaw dropped and out came this awkward, “Wait…really? How does that happen?” Apparently he chalked it up to poor social skills which he blamed on being an only child and going to an all boys school. This did not compute so I asked about where he lives since we’re in the same town.

What’s the problem?
He lives with his parents (41 yrs. Old)
He said he lived in an apartment near a high school in town, but I said, I am not familiar with any apartments over there. What is the name of the complex? That’s when he broke down and said, I’ve actually been living with my parents since 2007. I moved in to take care of my dad. “So? No apartment then?” No, sorry. I felt embarrassed to tell you that. Ok. Moving right along. I thought I’d go back to the nobility of the thing and ask what happened to his dad that he needed more care?

What’s the problem?:
Dad is a closet homosexual 
So, dad apparently informed mom AFTER marriage that he was gay.  He slept with many men and gave his wife the freedom to have affairs with other men while they remained married for the one kid they had between them. My date discovered this about his father because he found files of men on his dad’s computer.  He also formed a crack habit along the way. When Date 10 moved in it was to help his mother care for her husband because he had AIDS.

I literally told him to stop for a second so I could process all this. Earlier, he told me he had anxiety and he thought it had nothing to do with his environment. THEN, he told me these things. He really did not make connections between his childhood environment and his adult issues with anxiety and depression.

Listen, I’m not trying to bash the guy, so don’t get me wrong but please understand that you don’t need to rescue this man. In my much younger years I probably would have tried because I used to fall so easily for the bleeding heart.

He has so much going on it is really too much. To make matters worse, without any real honest insight, it is hard to be with someone that.

Even if we put aside the impact of each of these problems, we are still left with the problem of over-sharing and inadequate boundaries.  These things come back to bite an individual amd in a couple it is even worse. You’re like a loaded weapon.

I would say if you meet this man, wish him well and move on. He’s got work to do. Pat yourself on the back for being one more experience for him. If you are this man, please be sure to get adequate resources to assist you in your healing so you can minimize the pain you unintentionally will bring to your partner.

Finding you’re special someone can be tough. At the same time you have to know what’s a good prospect and what’s not. Don’t ignore the red flags or the “something’s not right” feelings. Your spidey-sense is working just fine. You just have to listen and act accordingly.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Lessons Learned from a Future Faker

For quite some time I have been trying to figure out how my now ex-boyfriend could have such bi-polar reactions in our relationship. Why wouldn’t he just follow-through when he made promises? Why did he walk out when he was caught or it became clear it was time to put his money where his mouth is? Why, in the end, did he disappear by text message from a year-long relationship filled with dreams of the future we’d share together? One day he was on, the next he was off. It was maddening. To make matters worse, he’d often try to make everything my fault. He was never responsible for anything including his lies and contradictions – I misunderstood. 

If it is true that the greatest love survives the harshest conditions and he claimed to love me deeply and want to spend his life with me, how could he disappear at the drop of a hat? That nagging question has plagued my scientific mind.

Then, I finally stumbled across the answer and my jaw dropped. I thought the description was written directly for my ex. He is a “Future Faker”.

A Future Faker is someone who talks big about the future, but never actually plans to deliver. They sell a fantasy and when you’ve bought in and expect them to deliver – they’re gone ASAP and usually in the most dramatic disappearing act they can muster.

And you’re left there holding an empty bag. You keep looking around thinking, this can’t be happening.

They on the other hand feel differently.  To pull from an article by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim,

“If it didn’t work out in their mind, if they’re not feeling compelled by another person to break ther typical habit, they write off the possibilities, press the Reset Button, and then lather, rinse, repeat with the next person. This also further distorts their self-image and general perception of past events because they focus on recalling how they made people feel good, not on how not following through caused pain and confusion.

They don’t actually care about how they made you feel after the reality breaks through the fantasy. They say what you want to hear and for a while get off on how happy that makes you and what you will do for them as a resultt of their words, but look closely they’re not doing much else but talking.

I found myself waiting around a lot for my ex to make good. I invested a lot of myself into him. I wasn’t prepared to just walk away without being sure I gave our relationship a fair shot. I found myself chasing after the outcome. He knew it was showtime and he wasn’t going to deliver. So, like a coward he escaped thinking only of his own back. I was left with the emotional mess to clean up. He, no doubt, has rounded up a new victim to sell his freak show to. As they say, there’s a sucker in every crowd.  I was the sucker this time. Someone else will be next time.

Men like this don’t just suddenly begin acting this way. They are practiced at it. So if you meet him and he’s 35, 44, or 56, don’t fool yourself into thinking the problem is you. It is not.  If he tells you his history as mine did to me and you’re horrified,  don’t turn your spidey senses off – just go. Don’t look back. You escaped. There was nothing good there waiting to happen.

At some point though I believe it will be hard for him to even believe his own shtick. Future Fakers run out of people to blame and eventually look in the mirror old with liver spots, wrinkles, and withered muscles and they see exactly who the problem has been all along. They also have nobody there to love them. Time’s up. Karma is a bitch.

I have learned so much from this relationship that never existed. I have learned that:

1.  Relationships only exisit when both people are being genuine.

2. People who try to fast forward quickly through the normal getting to know you / trust building steps are to raise big waving red flags.

3. REAL men handle tough circumstances with courage and integrity.

4. Actions must match words and if only one exists, rely on the actions to tell you what’s up.

5. Don’t make excuses for grown men. They are not children, they are not mentally handicapped. If you’ve made your expectations clear, they clearly know what to do. They either do and keep you or they don’t and they lose you.

6. Don’t ever chase a man down to fulfill a promise. If he loves you he will come through. A good man doesn’t want to disappoint you.

7. Leave any man who asks you not to trust yourself or your own thoughts or feelings. Leave if he tries to isolate you from friends or convince people you’re crazy so you have nowhere to turn but him. This is called gaslighting. It is mental / emotional abuse.

8. Only stay with someone who really gets you emotionally. Of course no one is a mind reader, you must communicate. But, if you have to constantly explain the meaning of things to him, there are basic compatibility issues.

9. If he causes drama the night before or day of a big event or something meaningful to you he is manipulating and sabotaging you. This man is not supporting your success or growth. He will be a bad life partner. Life is tough enough, you don’t want someone who would even soil the good times.

10. Remind yourself that you’re not running out of time, you’re not too old, and as long as you’re still making an effort you still have a shot at a healthy loving relationship. I am almost 40, I’ve been through two marriages and two divorces. My life has been turned upside down so many times it has taught me the meaning of the word resilience.  I need to believe there is a wonderful man out there who gets it like I do.

So, in some strange way this post has turned into a thank you letter. Now that’s a gratitude challenge!

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

50 First Dates

Online dating aka 50 first dates. That’s how it feels. Date after date saying the same things and trying to feel excited about it. But what you really want inside is to find someone with whom you can move beyond the 1st date spiel.

I get it, dating when you’re close to or over 40 has it’s challenges. I put real effort into it and currently date about 3 different men a week. I really want my forever guy. I don’t date men who are not looking for a serious relationship or who are looking for hook-ups. You have to keep away from the time wasters and the people with whom you have nothing important in common.

Still I feel tired, to be honest. Coffee dates, lunch dates, dinner dates, museum dates. After while, it all swirls together. It is as if I’m looking for something long term in a casual way. Who can remember their names even after awhile. It reminds me of rummaging through a sale bin looking for that one item that stands out.

These are the moments when I especially wish my ex-boyfriend would have stuck together and worked things out. Sometimes, I picture these scenarios where he is experiencing the same online dating B.S. and it compells him to pick up the phone and say, I don’t know what I was thinking when I broke up with you, it sucks out here and nothing going on between us is worse than this scene. Let’s work this out.  Sound good? That’s when I sigh and say, thank god. I thought you’d never come to your senses. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

…and I’m awake.

So if and until that fantasy is brought into reality, it looks like I’ll be treading water in the sea of love looking for the right fish to swim by my side. 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

The Power of Yes

My life is becomming more interesting the more I say yes. It is surprising who you meet or what you might do when you open yourself up to new experiences. 

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For example, tonight I was asked on a date with someone who turned out to be a concert pianist for the Navy (yup that is him in concert above) We went to my favorite steakhouse and talked for hours about a full range of topics. When we initially met I had no idea this was his field, just that music was his passion .  It was cool because I also play piano. Initially we bonded for the fact that we both did the camino de santiago and share Spanish as a second language since he is half Spanish and half Argentine.  We also held a lot of interesting views on life. I literally spent hours just talking,  eating and drinking wine together.  Then we crashed a gala…my idea 🙂 Fun!

My point is that you never know how something will turn out so it is best to be open. This is the idea of the “Power of Yes”. It is all about acceptance and knowing you’re going to be ok. In fact, the more you can open yourself up, the more you discover about who you are.

For example, having to come to terms that my ex is never coming back and I will never know why he left,  I have gone on a lot of dates since the breakup. I have reached out to friends and made into the city for festivals. I’ve renovated things in my house.  I’m going for a girly pedicure day tomorrow with another friend. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You have to take care of yourself in general, but especially after someone you love emotionally kicks your ass. Staying in is great and very therapeutic, but at some point you have to see people again not just the bottom of a pint of ben & jerry’s (not that I’ve ever done that). Getting to yes from within is tough. Sometimes you have to say it and trust thst the motivation or genuine interest will come later.

So here I am on to the next phase. It’s kind of like saying, yup he left, but now i know more about myself and I realize it is definitely his loss because I’m awesome and everybody gets to enjoy the best of me but him.

The most important person you can say YES to is yourself. Because YES = Acceptance = Love.

One of the most interesting discoveries I’ve made in life is that the people who love you stay in your life or always find their way back if they were meant to be there. So just keep on living and don’t worry, the ones who love you find a way to get to you. Nothing will stand in their way. The ones who don’t, never did in the first place.

You don’t have to make excuses for people. They are exactly where they’ve chosen to be. Otherwise,  they’d be somewhere else.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Change the Action, Change the Outcome

“I guess it’s hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they’re bad – to change. ‘Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.”
– Pay it Forward

I saw this quote and it got me thinking about how my relationship with Paul was always on again / off again. A problem would arise and we’d add distance or breakup. At some point we’d miss each other and find our way back on again.  Nothing got solved.

On the other hand, working through problems and actually making change to make things better can make a relationship better, stronger, and last longer. Every relationship has rough patches. So the key aspect here is change. If things don’t change, then the results won’t change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

This is what kept me hanging on for so long. I believed him when he said he would make changes.  Each time he didn’t make good on that, I lost faith in him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t satisfy my needs, it was that he wouldn’t.  That was the most horrifyingly painful part for me. I would stand there with my brain in knots and just say, why? If actually being happy together comes down to you following through on what you said you would do, why don’t you do it?

The disappointment became chronic. I was losing the man I loved. All because wouldn’t. All the while he’d tell me he loves me. That I’m an amazing woman. So, what do you think it communicates to a woman then that you feel this way and yet will not keep your word? Does that make her feel special? Loved?  Honored? Respected? No sir, it does not.

It was never that I wanted someone else or that he wasn’t good enough or that he couldn’t make me happy. He just simply decided not to amd then walked away lying and telling himslef the problem was that he couldn’t make me happy. I have news for you – no woman would be happy with a man who doesn’t follow through and keep his word to her.

So yeah,  you walked away, you’re out there searching for someone new. But you are destined to keep repeating the same damn mistakes because you never learned how to deal.

It is so easy to walk away and think you’re dealing with a relationship issue, but really you’re just pushing it off to the next person you meet. The constant is you. Stop blaming it on the person you’re with.  If you left, you are a leaver. That’s not your partner doing that. That’s you.  It would be better to stay with the person you’re already with and work it out. Otherwise, you’ll invest again in someone else and be disappointed again in someone else.

At some point you have to realize that life is a patchwork called a relationship. Together you make a quilt. That quilt protects and shelters you as life goes on. Every time you start over with someone new, you start with a tiny patch that barely covers your palm. It is exhausting to keep doing this and when it is all said and done, you’ve got no love to keep you warm.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had some major learning from this insight as well. We should have stuck it out when things got tough so we really knew we could work things out. You should have keep your word so I didn’t lose trust in you. When we found a solution that we both agreed on, it should have been implemented – no excuses. We would have still been together.

After many stops amd starts, do you think two people could change how they do things and do better forever? Could they get back together and stick together? Or would they break up again?

I think if things have changed, in that, you see the problem and how you two will commit to handling things, you can try again… But not by continuing. By starting over. 

Let’s revisit that quote one more time,
“I guess it’s hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they’re bad – to change. ‘Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.”
– Pay it Forward

We need to push past our comfort zone to grow.
With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

On Being Seen

Choking back my tears , she caressed my face  and said, “promise me you’ll find someone who sees you and let him see the person I see.”

This breakup has been a challenge. There are so many questions left unanswered. I wish he’d have mercy on me and call. He knows how much it hurts. He does it anyway. There are so many mistakes I’ve made in this relationship. That’s not to say it was all my fault,  but it is important to reflect on what you could do differently.

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In fact, all this time away has helped me see a pattern which exists in all my relationships. First, I believe I don’t choose very reliable men. I have a fear of being abandoned buried in my psyche.  Every once in awhile it bubbles up in all its glory for another horrifying look.

I pick men who have a history of leaving the women they’re with and often in humiliating ways. My ex-husband trashed a 20-yr. marriage in the blink of an eye to be with me. There was even a kid involved. When it came to be my turn, he left me just as coldly for someone else that he had been sleeping with. My current ex-boyfriend, screwed around on his wife with more than 10 women behind her back. He even went so far as to bad mouth how “she treated him” to his family in order to get sympathy. Do you think he told his family about his adulterous acts? Hell no. Next thing you know a 10 yr. relationship went down the drain because “he wasn’t happy”. He divorced her!  And now here I am,  left by him without more curteousy than a text message. Coward.

I believe that people can change, but sometimes I give people who don’t deserve it waaaaaay too many chances to prove (in the end) that they couldn’t give a shit about me. It is all about them and their needs.

Why is it that we always want the ones who don’t see us and never the ones who do?

As much as I or anyone has issues, you have to be able to talk with your partner – to go deep and have those vulnerable conversations about how much of a mess you are in parts of your self. That person has to stick around and love you still after that. They can’t disappear. They can’t sort of be there. They have to feel solid.

That was really missing from my last relationship. I hung on for so long hoping it would happen, but ultimately,  he couldn’t hang in there with me. He didn’t see me and he didn’t

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look long enough to even give it a fair try. No, he thought I was damaged. He went to therapy trying to find the right mental illness for me. He trash talked me to my best friend. He “loved” me in facebook with his sweet messages that friends and family would lap up, but he couldn’t manage to even pick up the phone to talk to me half the time.

It was a real mindfuck. On one hand he’d help me out keeping things tidy around the house or paying for this and that, on the other he’d emotionally terrorize me or always threaten to walk out.

I lived in such a state of constant flux, that I never knew what I’d get. He brought out the very worst in me. So many times he triggered past memories of my own child abuse and he’d laugh about it. He’d egg me on, telling me to hit him. It was so ugly.

I felt so on edge all the time. I felt fearful and ready to fight all the time. He would never calm down until he’d run through his rage.  I told him so many times what this does to me and how much it triggers my past, but any apology was temporary. Sooner or later he’d be back at it again. 

The more I think about it, emotionally, that man never showed up to support me. In fact many times he just down right sabotaged me when I need him the most. He was so selfish and needy. Even when I was sick and couldn’t talk after a surgery, he took advantage.

So…in summary…Here’s what I’ve learned:

Step one – pick ’em better.

Step two – be more tolerant of the stuff that doesn’t matter and less tolerant of the red-flag-waving bullshit.

Step three – pick someone who sees me.

…And she let’s out a big sigh and blogs on through this life learning a little more about something everyday….

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉