Tag Archives: healing

Soul Food

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Ok. First things first! I’m bragging on this slapped together recipe. It’s sooooo good. My Jamaican neighbor keeps me supplied with “Jamaican Kale” throughout the summer and I constantly try to find new things to do with it.

So, what’s in it?:
Bunch of Jamaican Kale
A few roasted red peppers
Can of Atrichoke Hearts
1/4 c. Feta cheese
Sauteed in olive oil with crushed garlic, pepper & salt
Put on top of a whole wheat pita and enjoy!

I was in a funk still today. This getting over my ex thing is harder than I thought it would be. I mean could I jump into another relationship?  Sure. I could distract myself with casual flings. I could pretend that I never felt anything for him. I could drink heavily to dull the hurt. There are a lot of not so great things I could do that would only make things worse.

Or….

I could take care of my soul. I could eat well and enjoy the scents of cooking a meal with fresh ingredients. I could play music and compose again, I could reconnect with people I’ve lost contact with. I could exercise and pamper myself. And frankly, I can take care of myself intimately until someone who really lights my soul on fire takes over other duties as assigned ūüôā

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Me "playing" my dad's guitar

I know everyone is different when it comes to coping with things. I personally take awhile to get over the end of serious relationships. I am a very sensitive person in that I am very emapthetic so I really feel things. I’m not the type that can turn that off. Its just part of my make up. I always want things to end well. Often, I struggle to understand why people wouldn’t do everything they can to bring about peaceful endings.

I am a mess of a person like we all are in some way, I guess. I’ve got quirks and dysfunctions and sometimes I wonder how to make it through this world a prisioner inside my own head.

I think most of us are just trying to move through life and sqeeze as much pleasure out if it as we can. We hope to know our greatest pleasure in our own lifetime. We assume it will reveal itself as another person who looks deeply into our soul and says, “I accept you” and sticks around forever loving you for being that person.

In the meanwhile, I think the greatest thing we can do for our single selves is love the hell out of ourselves; getting to know and accepting every nook and cranny until we’re completely irresistible.

I’m starting to think it’s not about being perfect or figuring out what’s wrong with you. The road to fulfilling life cannot possibly be among the pages of self-help books aimed to fix you. I have done this my whole life and I’ve really just managed to feel worse about myself. I mean what if the only thing wrong with me is that I don’t accept myself fully? What if instead of focusing on what needs to be fixed, I focused on accepting the person who is there and loving her to pieces? What if I fell in love with her “as is”? I wonder what would happen if we all did that?

If you’re like me and haven’t found a partner that loves (aka fully accepts) the person you are and finds you irresistible enough to want to spend forever by your side, let’s make a pact.

We will give ourselves the love we want from someone else. We will treat ourselves right. We will do for ourselves what we want from them. We will go alone to places we want to go together with them.

This way when he/she comes along we will recognize them as the right fit because s/he treats us that good.

With love from aneternaltraveler ūüėČ

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Starting Over….Again

This Sunday would have been the day I took one of my dream trips – to San Francisco.¬† I was so excited. Planning all the cool spots I could visit! At work the parents even got me an REI gift certificate so I could gear up.¬† I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was no longer going.

You see my boyfriend asked me to tag along on a business trip to San Fran and bought me a plane ticket. It was supposed to be a reward for all my non-stop hard work getting my teaching certification while still working full-time.

Then, he decided to break up with me by text message almost 3 weeks ago. We’d been together for 1 year and it all ended by the use of a moden telegraph – the dreaded text¬† – no phone call, no face-to-face, no San Francisco.¬† I was told, “Sadly, that won’t be happening”.

I didn’t respond. What does one say to such disrespect? I decided silence would be the best response.¬† I gave him time to reconsider his foolish action, if even to call back to say, ” I’m sorry that was stupid. I didn’t even consider what you’d feel or have to say.”¬† Here it is nearly 3 weeks later and radio silence.

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He will head off on “our” trip alone in two days. I wonder if he will imagine the joy it would have been to explore together, what it would have been like if he’d only managed to treat me with care and witness me blossoming from his kindness. He will not have my smile beaming towards him. My childlike laughter and enthusiasm will fade away from his memories, eventually forgetting the joy that was once the impetus for him becoming a better man. Will he remember how we planned to “the moon and beyond” together? We had it all mapped out. 2 year plan, life plan.

What could bring a person to build and plan with another like that and on the other hand unceremoniously end things by text?

It’s taken me all this time to process the range of feelings. The pain has been so severe and deep, it has actually felt physical. I’d wake up in pain, fall asleep crying, and wash the tear stains away the next day and keep going on. I’d cry on the way to work and clean my face before I arrived. I’d hold it in all day and when I drove off and cleared my school, I’d burst out again.

None of the crying made the phone ring, made him care more, made him want to try until he got things right between us. It was just for me. Oh how I wished for him to call and tell me he was joking. How many times I wanted to call, text, or email him!  I had to keep from doing that.

Each time I was tempted, I reminded myself that he knew very well how I felt about texting let alone using this format for a breakup. He knows he slapped me hard across the face. The message was loud and clear – I don’t want to be with you.

“Don’t try to be with a man whose actions show he doesn’t want to be with you.”¬† That was my mantra. He knows where he left me, if he wanted to, he’d know where to find me. After 3 weeks he hasn’t even looked.

I am so glad I could finally write this from another place inside. I wanted to share the rawness with you but I was in too much pain to speak my truth. Thank you for reading and listening now.

I’m crawling back out of my hole again. I’ve begun doing things that are productive and meaningful to me. I finally got to work on house projects such as re-doing my bathtub or repainting my back steps. That has helped me see things differently. It pulls me out of the fog and sadness.

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I’ve also decided to start dating again. I have to say it has been nice laughing with someone on a date again.¬† The conversations are interesting and lively. The time flies.

This is so much better than being told something is wrong with me all the time. My ex would actually work with his therapist to “diagnose my mental illness” so he could get along with me better. Once, he even interrupted an argument we were having to text his therapist what to do.

The ridiculousness of it all. So many hurtful moments, so many attempts to forgive and go on, so much wasted opportunity.¬† I will never understand why he couldn’t just love me for me and chose to pursue a “mental-illness” label instead. It was so heartless and unloving. Always a new diagnosis.

I’m so relieved to be free of being constantly seen as “defective or broken”. It is good to be liked as me. I haven’t felt that with a man since I’ve been dating my ex.

He said he just wanted to make me happy.¬† Yet, to do so, he’d only have to follow-through on his words and promises. Consistently.¬† That’s it.¬† He walked away instead. So, I guess there was something he wanted more.

So, here I am … Starting over…again…

A journey……to be continued….

–with love from aneternaltraveler

40 Days of Rejection: Could you Handle It?

love-dare

“You never leave your partner! Especially in a fire!”

Fireproof is one of those movies that teach you so many important lessons about what it is to be a decent person. To live right, to love right, to be right in yourself and with others. It is, first and foremost, a movie about what it takes to make a relationship work and though it is religiously based, it doesn’t detract one bit from the truth of the message. Some things are just universal truths.

Some men are so concerned with getting respect and admiration that they don’t realize how little they really give to their partner. They put their time into impressing their bosses and coworkers or buddies. They have everyone’s back but their wives/girlfriends. They often know very little about who their wives/girlfriends even are!

When their relationship¬†falls apart, they think it is out of nowhere; that it is a sudden occurrence. They’ve been ignoring the women in their lives for so long they only notice her at her worst and when everything is at its breaking point. ¬†If they acted towards their bosses the way they treat their partner, they wouldn’t have a job for very long either. You get more of what your put your attention on.

Many men at this point¬†think that the problem is that the woman just doesn’t appreciate them right or they call women crazy. Then without any second thought of the relationship, the person they were with, the time invested, they just move on to someone new and shiny.

Some men are so busy playing the field when they can’t even figure out how to keep one woman happy. It is never their fault. ¬†It is easier to “throw a person away and start over” than to look at yourself squarely in the mirror and fix yourself; to become the kind of man that’s worthy of even one woman.

So many men think if they “just find the right woman”, she’ll treat him right. ¬†He’s bought into this idea that he’s perfect and just needs the “right woman” to recognize it. The mantra of these guys is something like, please don’t be crazy,¬†because after all he does nothing to make her miserable. ¬†She did this all to herself.

It is never his problem, but he’s always starting over again with someone new. How can this be?

No matter how many times he’s seen his relationships fall apart or never really gel, he keeps on believing the false idea that he’s a good guy/the injured party waiting for the right woman.

It is sad really because if most men put in the work and dedicated themselves to one woman they could in fact BE the men they imagine themselves to be and have the lifetime of happiness that they dream of. As it is though, that remains a distant and unattainable fantasy for many men. Too much ego and false pride keep them from true happiness.

Of course, I won’t leave you hanging with a sad story. ¬†There is hope! There is something you CAN do about it to change your relationships and change your life for the better!

The Love Dare asks you to commit to 40 days of challenging yourself to genuinely love someone. In the movie the father gives this book to his son as a challenge when his marriage is about to end in divorce. To whet your whistle for the movie or if you choose to click on the link above and take the challenge, here is the introduction to what you’re about to take on,

This forty day journey cannot be taken lightly.
It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly fulfilling one.
To take this dare requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination.
It is not meant to be sampled or briefly tested, and those who quit early will forfeit the greatest benefits.
If you will commit to a day at a time for forty days, the results could change your life, and your marriage.

Again,¬†you don’t have to be married for this to improve your relationship and ultimately your life. ¬†As the preface says, you have to have determination and resolve because,¬†“Love, in its truest sense, is not based on feelings. it is a determination to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward”….and don’t just follow your heart, ¬†’cause your heart can be deceived. But you gotta lead your heart.”

So I come back to the beginning of this post,¬†“You never leave your partner! Especially in a fire!”¬†

In the movie, Caleb was a firefighter and he understood this concept in his job.  By the end of the movie, he understood how this applied to his wife and to his marriage.  Ultimately, by accepting the challenge with all his heart and taking the heat, he did save his marriage and changed both their lives.

Change your relationships. Change your life.

Start here:
Love Dare Movie
Love Dare Book (free)

– with love from aneternaltraveler ūüėČ