Tag Archives: life

Life is Short

When you’re sick it makes you feel lucky for all the times when you are healthy.

Sunrises and sunsets? Some things are just beautiful no matter what and a constant reminder that you only get so many. So you gotta fucking enjoy them.

Some pizza and a bottle of wine with the right person. That can make the shittiest day better.

Coffee dates take up a pretty good chunk your time but they’re worth it.

You can choose to work yourself to death, but you can also throw all that work away for the right person. That may be chemical but it’s also magic.

Love comes around a couple of times if you’re lucky.

No matter what life always seems short.

from the movie Spring

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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Killer Pain

To many people the idea of killing oneself is spiritually damning. It is a sign of weakness a mark against ones character. Recently, I saw a definition that resonated better with my view: suicide is a choice you make to end the pain when you have more pain than resources to deal with it.

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Anyone who has gotten to this point understands vividly the prison poem pasted above by Mahvash Sabet.  Staying alive despite pain is not about willpower. At some point if I keep putting heavier weight on your shoulders,  you’ll collapse.  It is simplier than that and people try too hard to complicate it with catch phrases of hope when it is more like 2 + 2.

You can’t deal with people or things in general when you don’t have a grasp on what you’re dealing with. You don’t bring hope to a math test, vut forget your pencil. That’s what I’m bringing across here to you now.

One of my pet peeves is that often you hear people say things like, why didn’t they tell someone? or I feel so bad, I wish I knew. I would have helped. What a shame. Look. We do tell you, but you can’t take your face out of your phone, you’re too busy for our “drama”, your advice is a version of “chin up” or some other invalidating comment. We know we need support that’s why we reach out and when nobody reaches back or makes excuses, it gets harder to deal with the weight on our shoulders.  There is no one to share the load. You see? It becomes more mathematical than emotional. Add it up.

My pain level is very high right now. I can always tell by the frequency with which I have suicidal fantasies. Nothing I’m doing is working. Getting out to meet people/ socialize, distracting myself or talking to someone all are not doing it.

I feel like I need to be understood and I’m not getting that need met. This is as the poem states, the loneliest state of being.

While most people have a five year plan about how they are going to accomplish things in their lives, I have one as a failsafe.  I work on things to prepare for that time just in case I have to pull the switch.  For example, I renovate my house so when the time comes, whether I sell or bequeath the other person is without burden. Over these next 5 yrs I will work to pay off my debt, again so that I don’t leave a mess behind.

I always feel if you want to make a plan to die, you should be responsible. I mean it is a serious decision in that you can’t come back from so no matter how much pain you have, be responsible with the life you leave behind for others. Make as little mess as possible so that you can slip out relatively quietly.

As far back as I can remember I have been trying to find meaning for life. I think I caught on pretty early that there isn’t one. Most of us just try to stay busy and fill up our time with things that give us moments of pleasure. I guess some of us cope better with that reality than others.  Perhaps they have a great support group that shrinks their pain down. Maybe they feel loved and understood.  I do not have that and as much as I’ve tried with all my might, I haven’t been able to form one either. I am certain that impacts my pain levels and solitude.

I never really did figure out how to get life quite right, especially the important stuff like relationships.  The pain is just too much and too frequent. I am good at planning though and I’m very responsible so that is the skill set I’ll use in completing my 5 year plan. I feel pretty confident, I can get that right.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

50 First Dates

Online dating aka 50 first dates. That’s how it feels. Date after date saying the same things and trying to feel excited about it. But what you really want inside is to find someone with whom you can move beyond the 1st date spiel.

I get it, dating when you’re close to or over 40 has it’s challenges. I put real effort into it and currently date about 3 different men a week. I really want my forever guy. I don’t date men who are not looking for a serious relationship or who are looking for hook-ups. You have to keep away from the time wasters and the people with whom you have nothing important in common.

Still I feel tired, to be honest. Coffee dates, lunch dates, dinner dates, museum dates. After while, it all swirls together. It is as if I’m looking for something long term in a casual way. Who can remember their names even after awhile. It reminds me of rummaging through a sale bin looking for that one item that stands out.

These are the moments when I especially wish my ex-boyfriend would have stuck together and worked things out. Sometimes, I picture these scenarios where he is experiencing the same online dating B.S. and it compells him to pick up the phone and say, I don’t know what I was thinking when I broke up with you, it sucks out here and nothing going on between us is worse than this scene. Let’s work this out.  Sound good? That’s when I sigh and say, thank god. I thought you’d never come to your senses. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

…and I’m awake.

So if and until that fantasy is brought into reality, it looks like I’ll be treading water in the sea of love looking for the right fish to swim by my side. 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Fight for Me

“I didn’t want to leave this relationship without a fight. But the tricky thing about relationships is that they don’t work out if the other person isn’t willing to fight for it too. And he wasn’t willing to fight for me…for us.

If someone is unable to see what makes you special, beautiful and worth pursuing a future with, don’t waste your time trying to jump back into that relationship. They’re not worth it. I know it’s extremely difficult to be told that you need to move on, especially when you’re still so in love with the person, but you will realize eventually that you’re better off without someone who doesn’t look at you like you’re the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

There is someone out there for you who will be everything that you need and everything that you never knew you wanted in a partner. Someone will not only see a future with you, but also look forward to it every single day.

When someone who you have been in a relationship with isn’t willing to fight for what you had, don’t keep trying to make it work. Anyone who is not willing to fight for you, is not worth fighting for. ”

If he wants you and doesn’t want to lose you he’ll find a way of meeting your needs, if not he’ll make excuses.

Gratitude Challenge Day 15 of 30 – Music

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Day 15 – Gratitude for Music
I can’t imagine my life without music. It has been a part of every single high and low throughout my life. It has saved my mind, body and soul.  It is in me, runs through me, and pours out of me.

Music is my father, my mother, my sister, my brother and my lover. It has raised me, nurtured me, hidden and revealed the truth from me, held me, loved me, fed me. It has never left me no matter how I arrived at its door.

No matter who comes into or out of my life, he is always my faithful companion.

Gratitude for all that music is to me fails to express the full depth of its place in my life. I literally can’t even imagine the point of my life without it.

-with gratitude from aneternaltraveler 😉

Gratitude Challenge Day 11 of 30 – Noise

wpid-screenshot_2014-08-16-19-49-03-1.pngDay 11 of 30 – Gratitude for Noise

At first I thought, how could anyone be grateful for NOISE??? Isn’t that why we call it that anyway?  If it were pleasurable we might call it “sound” or “music”.  I had to think long and hard for Day 11. Then, it hit me.

Noise usually means there is life. Even the sound of machines requires a human around at some point. It is always nice to know we are not alone whether we are surround by humans, other animals, plants or just mother nature checking in .

I also thought about how even being able to have a conversation about noise, means that you have ears that work well enough to hear it.  

Sometimes noise can be the distraction we need to get out of our own heads. So, when you consider the upsides, I have a new found gratitude for noise!

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So how does it feel to be 1/3 of the way through my 30 Day Gratitude Challenge? You’re in luck. I feel like giving a progress report 🙂

I have to say that I am pleased with the changes I’ve seen since starting this challenge.  It makes me stop and notice more of the things I just took for granted. It allows me to really discover how I feel and to express it thoughtfully. Another side-effect includes, going through my day noticing small stuff and saying thank you! I can’t believe how much more at peace this makes me feel. I think there is something about slowing down to be grateful that makes you less reactive in general.  I like what this is doing for my well-being and for my relationships.

— With gratitude from aneternaltraveler

 

No Time for Regret

…Regret is a funny thing. It either takes you to the past or the future…. …two places we have no power. This moment we’re living in right now is the only real place we can make a change. Don’t waste your time with regret. If you want something, you go get it. Otherwise, life can do an unfortunate thing. What’s that? …Pass you by
– excerpt from Don’t Pass Me By (2013)

Powerful stuff, right?

It made think about how often we stare at our own belly buttons wondering what we are going to get out of life.  But we go about it all wrong.  We think – Me, me, me.  We connive ways to get more, take more, have more.  We are given so much and think only about what else we are going to get.  Then we end up dissatisfied when we don’t get it.

But what have we given out?  Why does someone who has been given so much and gives so little to others deserve to be given more?

The right questions sound something like this — What am I here to do for others? What am I here to give? How can I serve?

Abundance comes from giving.  You want more abundance in your life? Give more. Stop being selfish. There is no time for regret when you are putting a smile on someones face.

Stay present. Give.

— With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Walking Away

I am about to embark on a 500-mile walk across Spain, better known as the Camino de Santiago de Compostela, in a few days.  My backpack has been packed and repacked with great disappointment each time. I’m becoming certain that it will never be quite right. Something always seems a bit awkward.  I’ve put travel notices on my cards and continue to wrap up the final details.

At the same time, I can’t help but notice how my mind also seems to be reorganizing.  Re-prioritizing.  I think more about all the reasons I’m doing this pilgrimage.  I think about what I’ll leave behind.  What I’ll pick up.  Along the way, I recalled something I read once upon a time. It seems to cut right to the heart of all those big questions we all have. So, I wanted to share it and challenge you to consider what / who you will hold close and what / who you will let go of in order to live your happiness.

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.  You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good.

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy.  Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

Today may there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself in others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.

Find love. Cherish it. Show it. Chase it. Savor it. – As always with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Imagine a Life…

aufaag.blogspot.com
aufaag.blogspot.com

Imagine that success were a series of accomplishments that hold meaning for you instead of plodding away at a career in something you may not even enjoy?

How different would you feel if you spent your time right now on crossing off the items on your bucket list?

Imagine that you didn’t wait until later?

Imagine that you worked for something more meaningful than a paycheck, retirement fund, and health insurance?

Imagine you believed you were capable of finding a way to support your dream and took a real chance on yourself?

Imagine how would your life change?

Would you finally KNOW the meaning of happiness?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Do What You Have to Do….It’s Only Temporary

Do What You Have to Do….It’s Only Temporary

If you’ve ever had to do something you’d rather not do just to achieve a goal, this post is for you.

What follows is a recount of some of the things I had to do to get my house back post-divorce. The point of my whole long drawn out explanation and partial life history 🙂 is to ask you to remember two things in this life when you’re losing hope.   

When my business starting bringing in less and less contracts, I knew I had to come to terms with it and move on to something else. It was tough to walk away, but the market was changing and after a good run for 8 years, I saw the writing on the wall.  My husband and I had talked about whether we could make it work on one income while I found an alternative. Everything was set.  Or so I thought….shortly after he asked for a divorce.

He walked away like it was nothing and left behind a long trail of responsibilities for me.  First and foremost was my house.  A house we’d bought only 6 months prior.  It was a huge sum for me to have to find every month and selling it would have offered me no reprieve since it was when the housing bubble burst.  I couldn’t rent something either because I didn’t have a paycheck anymore and it would have cost me almost the same as my mortgage.  Catch 22.  

To add to the stress, our divorce agreement stated that I had one year to refinance it into my name or my ex- could sell it outright.   Originally, he offered 6 months.  I negotiated for more time.  Apparently a year felt generous to him in a failing job and housing market.  Not that he was paying for a darn thing. Apparently, he just didn’t want to be bound to me in any way.  Who was this man?

No time to answer that one, it was time to put the pedal to the metal and get the heck out of dodge.  

I didn’t have a lot of time to wax longingly about my “dream job”.  I needed money and fast!  I sent out application after application and zero, zilch, nada.  Here I was with a B.S. in Biology and an MBA struggling to find work in anything I was qualified for.  I thought the whole world turned upside down, not just my personal life.

I finally turned to craigslist to see if there was an opportunity.  I interviewed and accepted a job doing face-to-face fundraising for charity.  If you’re not familiar with this, it’s basically stopping people as they walk by and trying to persuade them to make monthly donations to assist less fortunate nations of people.  It turned out I was good at this.  Poverty was something I could really talk about. I’d seen and worked with it so much in my travels. I knew how people’s lives were impacted.  Frankly, I was also pretty hungry to pay my bills too so that was a big motivator.

I tried to refinance with this job and about a month out from finalizing, the company I worked for did a “corporate restructuring” and decided to drop their program.  I explained my situation and expressed my frustration to the loan officer on the phone.  I said, “What do I have to do?  Get a job at the bank that holds my mortgage to finally get this settled?”  

The customer service representative took what I said seriously and asked me about my background.  I explained it to him.  He said, would you be interested in becoming a personal banker because you’d be qualified for it?  I said, honestly if it helps me get my house back, I’ll do it.  He told me to put an application online at the bank website and assured me he’d talk to someone in HR on my behalf. We became friends on FB.  I didn’t expect much to come out of it.

Back to the drawing board.

More applications sent out, only the sound of crickets in return.  Hello again, craigslist.  This time, I scored a job that was freelance. They called it a “unique hair opportunity”.  I thought ok. My mom owned a hair salon.  She taught me a lot.  How bad could this mystery job be???  

Well long story short, I became a trained “Lice Remediation Specialist”.  The company supplied me with everything I needed and I’d get called or texted to go out to a job at someone’s house.  It wasn’t too bad actually.  It helped pay the bills so I was willing to do what I had to do.  I knew that I couldn’t refinance my house with that kind of job though.  So, I cranked up the engine again to find the next step. 

I resolved to get that bank job. In no way did working at a bank appeal to me.  But I was running out of time and money.  I reached out to the loan officer and asked him if he’d heard anything about my application.  He got into contact with HR and I went in for an interview.  I got the job.  

I worked a very difficult 6 day/ week schedule.  I didn’t like the work one bit.  I just kept telling myself it’s for your house. Eye on the prize.  I was running out of time.  My ex- was dialing up the pressure with his not so helpful reminders about the 1 year time limit that was coming to a close.  

I put in my refi application.  Then, the communication seemed to drop dead and no one would return my calls.  When I finally reached someone, it was after I received a letter stating that they couldn’t refinance my house because I’d been in the job for less than 1 year. Everything else was fine. Credit score excellent, no major unsecured debt.  None of this was a problem.  I couldn’t believe my ears. 

I was furious that my employer didn’t mind having me sell mortgages and investments to other clients, but wouldn’t even back me with one that THEY held!!!  

I had heard that this bank was planning to acquire another bank that I was affiliated with.  I figured while I’m on the inside I’ll do some research. I learned that their criteria were less conservative.  So, I thought, let me see if I can get a loan through them before the acquisition.  Within one month, I got the loan and I was at closing.  The house was FINALLY in my  name and for a payment I could afford!

I quit the bank the month after that. I wanted nothing to do with them.  It was hurtful to me to be put in the position to be used to sell mortgages to others while realizing my employer wouldn’t support refinancing my own home.  

I had had so much stress with jobs and this house refi that I wanted something easier and consistent for a while.  I needed to chill and get my bearings.  So, I heard about this gym that was going to open from a friend in the fitness community I was involved in.  I applied for that and got that job.  I’ve worked there for over a year now.  I knew it couldn’t last forever, but I needed a breather before I moved on.  It’s been good to me and served its purpose.

And now I have yet another new job that has some better benefits than the last one….and on and on it goes….where I stop?  I’ll know it when I feel it.

Remember two things as you go through this life and face challenges:

  1. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

  2. It’s only temporary.

When you feel like you’re going to lose it.  Even when you’re ready to tear your hair out.  When you feel like a failure.  Even when no one else has got your back and you feel as lonely as a child in the wilderness. 

Say to yourself over and over again, Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do,__________(insert name). It’s only temporary, _____________(insert name).  

I still have not arrived at a place that I feel completely comfortable in my own life.  And I have to remind myself of this mantra from time to time.  But when I look back I see that despite the fear and confusion and uncertainty, I did carry on.  It took a lot of perseverance and even more patience, but I did reach one of my goals after all. 

Consider making this your daily mantra for all the challenges you face.  And remember, there’s another step ahead of the one you’ve taken.  There will be solid ground beneath your feet.  Just do what you have to do to get through, then take the next step.

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Make no mistake, YOU are a success no matter how big or how small the result.  Let’s help each other out by leaving comments and sharing so we all feel a little less alone in this world.

What kinds of challenges have you had to face where you found yourself doing what YOU had to do to get through?  Share your success stories with us. 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉