Tag Archives: Mental Health

All the Things Money Can’t Buy

I was chatting with some friends last night over dinner and catching them up on my life. As these conversations often do, we found ourselves talking about relationships.

What do You Want?
A friend turned to me and said, if you could summarize what you want from a relationship in one sentence what would you say? This was an interesting challenge. After a few minutes I said, “I want to be with a man for all the things that money can’t buy”.

Apparently, this was a profound statement because everyone stopped eating, stared off for a moment and returned with – “Wow. Yeah. Me too. Well said.”

Can’t Buy Me Love
While this is not to say I want to be with someone without 2 nickels to rub together,  I also can’t be bought. There is NO replacement for:

  Intimacy
  Empathy
  Consideration
  Bonding
  Respect
  Tenderness
  Authenticity
  Hugs at the right moment
  Compassion
  Good conversation
  Really listening
  Making quality time
  Being held
  Divulging deep dark secrets without fear
  Safety
  Consistency
  Acceptance of who and what you are
  Great character
  Kindness to strangers
  Humility
  Great sense of humor used at the right time

Too many times I experience individuals so desperately trying to keep a relationship that they give stuff, their bodies, favors in hopes that they will be loved in return. These are gestures of fear and desperation. You cannot make love from this space.  If there was one word thst could summarize all the others above it would be to connect to someone. This makes loves because you are actually thinking of and feeling for the other person.

Enough about Me, Tell Me about You
I like to think of love like being open and ever curious. If you don’t feel this or have anxiety or fear then you are not in a good space to find, to make or to maintain love.  When you stop thinking about me, me, me and how I get my needs met, you can open up to another person and get to know them. Funny thing is that with most people they want to reciprocate. So, you have a better chance of getting what you want by showing another person the same curiosity you would like first.

It really struck me to finally have a simple set of words to frame what I’m looking for in a relationship. It goes a step further though I think. As we say in science,  like attracts like. If I am the qualities on that list, I will attract that kind of person into my life. Those we are with are a reflection of how we see ourselves afterall. In other words be the person you’re looking for.

 

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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Good Character is Sexy in a Man

We ladies all know the stereotypical a**hole.

He’s hot, arrogant, has a certain kind of swagger.  He makes you crazy in your head and between your legs. We don’t know why we stick around because he’s such a jerk.  But something keeps us stuck on him like white on rice.

Unfortunately, these drop dead gorgeous heart throbs are the only easy on the eye.  They are hard everywhere else (damn it, that’s not what I meant – deep breath..focus). They pick you up and drop you down. When you need them most they’re not around.  You stick with it wanting to turn it into something more, but sooner or later you end up crying on the floor. Not pretty. Not worth it.

Have you ever run into a guy that is average looking or maybe a little above and thought “eh, he’s ok”.  Then, he opens his mouth to speak and is magically transformed into the most amazing man you’ve ever seen?  Here again you can’t quite figure out what keeps you so attracted, but in this case it’s a good thing.

He’s like a breath of fresh air – a real good guy – so beautiful inside – a perfect combination of character traits. He’s funny, humble, intelligent, compassionate, selfless.  These guys are really uncommon.  When you think about it that way – stud muffins are a dime a dozen.

Too often we are trained to equate good looks with good character, but looks aren’t gonna let you go the distance with someone.  Character counts in a very big way.  The older I get the more I realize that truly good-hearted people are few and far between.

I have never met a really good-looking guy who doesn’t have a ginormous ego – a sense of entitlement.  It’s as if they don’t think they have to be a decent person or treat people decently because their looks give them a free pass.  Keep in mind these guys are easy to find – they are the one’s with their heads so far up their own asses they can’t see you.  As far as I’m concerned, these are some of the most unattractive people I’ve ever known.

They are empty vessels. Belly-button gazers.

There is nothing sexier than a man who is comfortable with himself and doesn’t think he’s the shit.  He knows his shit stinks (uh..because everyone’s does). They are simple and so loyal to you that each encounter with them leaves you wanting more. You know they love you and they are there for you when you need them most. He sticks to his word and is loyal through adversity.  Image result for good character man

The difference here is that when you are looking at a good man, you’re seeing him from the inside out.  An asshole looks good outside, but there’s nothing to see when you go deeper.

Recently, I had to let go of someone who was no good for me. We’d been on a yo-yo together for so long. I am so glad I finally did because it opened the door for that good man to walk through. Sticking around and hoping someone will change for you is a waste of time. We’ve all heard it before and I can tell you from my experience, it is true.  You are literally keeping the good guy away while you make room (and excuses) for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I don’t know about you, but I want someone who is compassionate, caring, humorous, not just a charmer. I want to be able to rely on him and know he’s got my back, who brings love and positivity into my life.

Looks come and go, but good character lasts a lifetime. And I want to go the distance with someone who can hack it.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 🙂

What’s Your Type?

There was this awesome line in an ok movie I just saw called “Brightest Star”.  During a conversation between these two guys; one who was stuck on this one girl and didn’t want anyone else and another who couldn’t take any one woman seriously. It went something like this,

Guy 1: Are you still stuck on the girl?

Guy 2: Yeah man, isn’t it ever hard for you to get over a girl?

Guy 3: No, not really.  I see it this way. It’s not so much THE GIRL. It’s more like each girl is just another one on the path to the next one.

I thought, BAM that’s it!  There ARE two kinds of guys and it’s NOT how we typically categorize the types.

It’s not just: Type 1: the monogomous Type 2: the whore.  

It’s more like: Type 1: The guy who really put his heart into the woman he was with, so he grieves when she’s gone.  Type 2: They guy who moves on quickly because he was never invested that much anyway.

I guess I want a guy who really invests his heart, and soul too, not just a monogamous paycheck.

The more I think about it, a lot of people are monogamous for a lot of reasons. It doesn’t mean they’re really into you. They can be comfortable, have kids with you, financially dependent, etc. So, while being a one-woman-man is super important, that’s really only half the equation.

If man’s history is such that they move on so quickly to” the next girl on the path”, where does that leave you right now?  Not very stable or very special at all. How likely is it that he will stick around when times are tough? Very unlikely. Ya can’t build much on a quicksand foundation.

So here’s the rub — if you want to be with someone who will be there “through good times AND bad, sickness and health”, then pick the guy that is already built to last. Date the guy that actually WANTS things to work and would do all it takes to make it work.

Cause there’s no way you’ll turn Type 2 into Type 1.  You can’t make a man decent, he has to show up that way.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

“I never stopped believing it’s gotta be you, it’s just gotta be me too.”

You Are Ok As Is

Before you read this, make sure that you are in a place where you will be undisturbed for at least 15 minutes.  Pull your car over and sit inside if there is no place at work or home.  Just find a place where you can be alone.

Imagine for a moment that it is the beginning of a new day.  You lay in bed and feel the way the sun warms your face and the way your body has relaxed into your bed. Even though your eyes remain closed they can sense that daylight has come as the brightness seeps through your eyelids. A brand new day is upon us.

Before your first thoughts of the day begin racing through your head, breathe. Really inhale and exhale.  Do this 5 times. Now, feel the weight of your body on the surface beneath you.  With your eyes still closed, smile. Keep the smile on your face and keep breathing slowly.

Sense how beautiful you are when you smile.  Imagine the beauty of your face.  Notice how your whole body feels when you smile. Perhaps a tear comes to your eye since you haven’t thought much about that in a while.

Imagine if at this moment before you even open your eyes and begin your day, you are just right as you are.  Imagine that you are filled with amazing strengths and capabilities.  Imagine that your weakness are less important than your strengths.  Imagine your greatest strengths lie just beneath your weaknesses.  Imagine that you don’t need to be fixed. Imagine that you are not broken.  You are ok as is.

Imagine that you already have all the tools you need to have a great day. Imagine that you can handle whatever comes your way.  Imagine that every person you meet and every situation you find yourself in is temporary.  Imagine that your happiness is as fleeting as your sadness.  It is a moment. It is not permanent.

Imagine smiling when your heart is breaking simply because you know that moments are just that — moments.  And at any moment we choose we can look at something another way.  We can start a chain reaction in our minds, bodies and lives with just a smile.

Go on hold that goofy smile a little longer than it feels natural to do.  You might start laughing. Feel your mind shift. Each breath you take reminds you that your heart is beating, your body is working, your mind is firing away. You are a beautiful, capable, whole and vital being.  You are not broken.  You are still ok as is.

Now, quickly name 5 things you are grateful for while you continue to smile and breathe.  Don’t over-think it. Just name them.

You’ve come into this earth as uniquely as each and every one of us has. You have a purpose on this earth as you are.  There will never be a more perfect version of you than you.  You see the world differently than I do. You share yourself with others differently. You cry about things that I may not and you laugh at things that other people don’t think are funny.  You make love as your body, mind, and spirit guide you to do.  All uniquely you.  You cherish people who love you and you can be hurt by those who harm you too.  But you are still ok as is.

Allow yourself to feel what you do, but remember and never forget that these feelings don’t define you.  They are reactions and reactions can change as we change what we choose to see in our view.  I am me and you are you and each and every day we can only do the best we can do.  There is no more, no less and there is stress when we forget that others have the right to do what they want to do too. But so do you. We look at what we see as limits and we think that is all we can do.  You are not what you think and most of the time we have a limited view.

We respond as we’ve learned to, but there is something we can do.  Let yourself accept yourself as you are.  Don’t try to squash it or fake it or put it in a cake and bake it just to make it more palatable for those around you. You are still ok as is.  Ok as You.

If what you do does not give you the results you want, then change it.  If you don’t know how right now, find a way. You have everything you need to do what you need to do.  And you have what you need to make changes too. As you go on your journey continue to acknowledge that you are still ok as is.  Just simply be willing to change how you do what you do because you want a different result than is coming to you.  That is all.  No judgement, shaming, blaming or guilt.  It doesn’t matter how long the journey is as long as you are on a path towards your goal.

Finally, remember that there will be uncertainty.  We actually control far less than we think.  Happiness in life is directly proportional to how much you can let go of and how comfortable you can become with uncertainty. Trust yourself. You don’t have to know how or when you will get there all at once.  Take one step, then another. Trust. Just trust that you are still ok as is and have everything you need to get to where you want to go.

This is your journey and it all begins with the willingness to take the first step.  Then another and another until you have created the momentum to step without wondering if you can.  Each step, feel the firm ground beneath your feet.  You are safe.  You are enough.  You are ok as is.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Just be Willing

frustration Yesterday I was down for the count with a stomach virus and that gave me a lot of time on my hands I’m not used to having.  As I thought on the changes I’d like to make in my life, I scoured the internet for resources to teach me HOW to get there.  I settled on “You Can Heal Your Life” , by Louise Hay and immediately downloaded it onto my Kindle.  I’m so glad I did.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels like their life isn’t working and hasn’t a clue where to start.  I devoured the book in one day and  put it into practice when I woke up this morning.

One of the chapters of her books asks you to write down all the negative things you were told as a child by adults and  compare them to the negative things you say about yourself.  Then look at what’s happening in your life and see if the negative outcomes match the negative thoughts you have about yourself.  By golly, they did!  I was hooked!

The theory here boils down to this – you get what you think you should.  So, if you think positively you should see it show up in your life the same way you do when you think negatively.

Just to give you an idea of the negative thoughts that go through my mind, I’ll make a list of my top 10.  Perhaps, you share some of these as well.

You Get What You Think

  1. Nobody is there for me
  2. Nobody respects me or sees my value
  3. Nobody listens to me
  4. Everybody picks on me
  5. I’m never happy in my jobs
  6. I’m bad with people
  7. I don’t know what I want
  8. I’m a failure at life
  9. I never have enough money
  10. I never meet the right guys

Ok, so guess what I have in my life right now with these thoughts?  I have difficulty with people at work, I don’t get respect, I am surrounded by constant conflict, don’t have enough income and I don’t in fact meet guys that feel right for me.  Surprise, surprise!!

expect good things

Change Your Mind

So, today I decided to start to retrain the brain.  I selected a few general affirmations and a few specific ones that spoke to me and repeated them throughout the day.  Here’s what I chose:

General Affirmations

  1. “I approve of myself”
  2. “I am willing to change”
  3. “I am willing to release all my resistance”
  4. “I am willing to release my need for…(ie. approval)
  5. “I now realize that I have created this condition.  I am willing to release the pattern in my consciousness that is responsible for this condition.”
  6. “I trust that the universe is providing for me everything that I need and I am safe and well taken care of.”

Specific Affirmations

  1. “I am willing to release the need to be unworthy.  I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it.”
  2. “I am totally open and receptive to a wonderful new position, one that uses all my talents and abilities, and allows me to express creatively in ways that are fulfilling to me. I work with and for people whom I love, and who love and respect me, in a wonderful location and earning good money”
  3. “I am willing to release my need to be noticed”
  4. “I am willing to release my need for praise”
  5. “I choose to let go of my anger, so that I make better clearer decisions.”

Entering a Brand New Day…

As soon as my alarm clock went off I committed myself to saying 5 things I’m grateful for before I could sit up on my bed.  Then, I read the affirmations above before I was allowed to stand.  Finally, I walked to the mirror and read  http://aplacefortheheart.co.uk/louise-hay/louise-hay-affirmations/ while looking into my own eyes.

Throughout the day, I reminded myself of those affirmations.  I even brought my index card of affirmations with me in case I forgot.  When a negative thought came in, I said STOP! and replaced it with a gratitude and another affirmation.

One of the great pieces of advice that was offered is that you don’t have to know “HOW” it will happen you just have to be “WILLING”.  Basically, the change in mindset will send a signal to the universe that the expectations have changed.  Be patient and consistent.

It’s Working!

Already today, I noticed MAJOR differences.  First and foremost, I literally had ZERO conflict in my work day at either job. That’s 14 hrs conflict free. I haven’t had a day like that in months.  Even when I got a rude email, I took a deep breath replied kindly, let it go and went on about my day.

I received more smiles, more cooperation, warmer relations and even had an easier time in traffic leaving me with enough time to get some shopping done, order dinner, and get 15 min. in a massage chair all before my next job started.

The point is…it all went smoother.  I was calmer.  I felt like I was in the moment and I enjoyed my day!  This was enough to convince me to carry on using this new method.

I’m looking forward to discovering what I can create by simply changing my own thoughts.

How have you brought about change in your life by a simple shift in focus?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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In Search Of: Authenticity

 

There is such a vast outer world to discover that sometimes we can forget that so many of the great travel destinations are right inside of us in our inner world. In our search for answers, we should leave no stone unturned.

If we want to know our purpose, we have to get in touch with our authentic self.  Inside Out: Travel the World, Find Your Way Back is as much a journey to the see sights and wonders of the terra firma as it is the world within.

Sometimes the people we trust the most in our lives are the ones that keep us from staying in contact with our true selves.

Most of us feel insecure about something, but some people work so hard at hiding it that they create a false projection of themselves to hide behind.  They “disown” the less desirable parts of themselves.

If you get too close to exposing the truth, they’ll flip the script and start accusing you of being all the ugly things that they feel about themselves inside.

It’s a bit like the “All Powerful Wizard” in the Wizard of Oz. A lot of smoke and mirrors and projections.  But when you pull back the curtain you see that there is just a scared insecure little man.

Before we expose the “Great Oz” in our lives  we can waste a lot of time trusting that someone else knows better than we do about our true nature.  If these people happened to be your parents or romantic partners, it can be as devastating to reveal the truth as it is to endure the pain of being caught in this web of deceit.

As children we create dreams without boundaries.  We are innocent and unfiltered.  That kind of authenticity can make some adults feel threatened, even those who raise us.

Your beauty is like a constant spotlight on their shame and insecurity. Your authenticity reminds them that the closest they’ve ever come to that is a projected image (false self) and they want nothing more than to have the real thing.

So instead of facing their own pain they spend a lot of time insulting you in attempt to level the playing field.  They try to tear you down and transfer the ownership of their disowned parts onto you.

If you are a sensitive and empathetic person you’re even more likely to be targeted because you’ll actually seriously consider what people tell you and  reflect on whether it may be true.  Especially if you hear it from those you trust the most.

When you become convinced by their opinion of you, it can leave you feeling as though you’re deficient, broken, and unworthy, well into adulthood.

Your life becomes more about attempting to be good enough for others in hopes that someday you’ll get enough approval and confirmation that you are a successful person despite your inherent unworthiness.  Unfortunately, this is a journey with no destination.

As a child we can’t just leave.  We have to find a way to cope.  Unfortunately, when we grow up we tend to keep coping the same way.  So that even when we could walk away we don’t because we’ve learned how to stay, how to take the hits, how to second guess ourselves.

We’re often left with no clue about who we actually are since we’ve spent our lives being told instead of being given the freedom and the safety to explore that. As a result we find ourselves in friendships, work or romantic relationships that allow us to play a familiar role.

One of the biggest challenges for many people is coming to terms with the fact that they are playing a role in this.  Fact is, this dynamic can only exist with your participation.

For example, if we’re fighting their accusations, it says that we believe it enough on some level to defend ourselves.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t even entertain it.  We’d walk away or say goodbye.

As children we participate to survive, but as adults we have a choice.  It is tough to even realize this if you’ve been raised with the mindset of a victim. You may not even know you’re allowed to take the wheel and choose the direction because no one taught you how to trust yourself and drive.

The good news is that the authentic you never really disappears, it just becomes hidden from view by a thick coat of other people’s disowned parts.

If you feel like you frequently experience a lot of inner conflict as if two parts of you are battling to the death it likely because you hold contradictory beliefs about yourself.  For example, you alternate between believing that you are a worthy person one minute and an unworthy one the next.

These contradictions cannot co-exist in you forever. At some point the internal pressure starts building up and it’s decision time. Something has got to give.

You’ll either give up and be convinced that you are worthless and live your life as a servant to the whims of others hoping to get in their good graces or you’ll  unburden yourself from the emotional baggage you’ve carried for others, give it back to them, and live an authentic life in the driver’s seat as YOU!

In order to define success on our own terms and live an authentic life we must let go of what was never our burden to bear.  When we release that, our authentic self begins bubbling to the surface.

Get to know her/him again in all her/his awesomeness!  You may also find that you will stop participating in these toxic relationships in the same way.

Very often , people notice that when they stop complying to the whims of the toxic person, there are a lot more insults and/or silent treatment, bad-mouthing and smearing flying their way.

Believe it or not this is a good sign.  It means that the toxic person feels threatened that they may really lose you as a supply for their ego.  Remember in the past when they used these tactics, it worked and always brought you back to them.

Hold tight, you’ll make it through.  And if at the end of it all the person no longer wishes to have you in their life, then you will have learned a lot of valuable lessons.

Authenticity will remove the people from your life that do not truly love you or have your best interests in mind.  In healthy relationships each person is important.  It is not parasitic; one person does not exist to feed/sustain the other.  You’ll also make room for other loving and authentic people to come into your life.

Ultimately, you can continue being your sensitive and empathetic self, but with boundaries that don’t allow people who mistreat you the privilege of being a part of your life.

Authenticity means knowing, loving and accepting your true self.  When you respect your authentic self, other people will no longer define who you are.  You already know.

It has taken me a long time to realize this and as I break free and unburden myself, I find myself traveling more lightly through this world.