Tag Archives: one day at a time

Killer Pain

To many people the idea of killing oneself is spiritually damning. It is a sign of weakness a mark against ones character. Recently, I saw a definition that resonated better with my view: suicide is a choice you make to end the pain when you have more pain than resources to deal with it.

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Anyone who has gotten to this point understands vividly the prison poem pasted above by Mahvash Sabet.  Staying alive despite pain is not about willpower. At some point if I keep putting heavier weight on your shoulders,  you’ll collapse.  It is simplier than that and people try too hard to complicate it with catch phrases of hope when it is more like 2 + 2.

You can’t deal with people or things in general when you don’t have a grasp on what you’re dealing with. You don’t bring hope to a math test, vut forget your pencil. That’s what I’m bringing across here to you now.

One of my pet peeves is that often you hear people say things like, why didn’t they tell someone? or I feel so bad, I wish I knew. I would have helped. What a shame. Look. We do tell you, but you can’t take your face out of your phone, you’re too busy for our “drama”, your advice is a version of “chin up” or some other invalidating comment. We know we need support that’s why we reach out and when nobody reaches back or makes excuses, it gets harder to deal with the weight on our shoulders.  There is no one to share the load. You see? It becomes more mathematical than emotional. Add it up.

My pain level is very high right now. I can always tell by the frequency with which I have suicidal fantasies. Nothing I’m doing is working. Getting out to meet people/ socialize, distracting myself or talking to someone all are not doing it.

I feel like I need to be understood and I’m not getting that need met. This is as the poem states, the loneliest state of being.

While most people have a five year plan about how they are going to accomplish things in their lives, I have one as a failsafe.  I work on things to prepare for that time just in case I have to pull the switch.  For example, I renovate my house so when the time comes, whether I sell or bequeath the other person is without burden. Over these next 5 yrs I will work to pay off my debt, again so that I don’t leave a mess behind.

I always feel if you want to make a plan to die, you should be responsible. I mean it is a serious decision in that you can’t come back from so no matter how much pain you have, be responsible with the life you leave behind for others. Make as little mess as possible so that you can slip out relatively quietly.

As far back as I can remember I have been trying to find meaning for life. I think I caught on pretty early that there isn’t one. Most of us just try to stay busy and fill up our time with things that give us moments of pleasure. I guess some of us cope better with that reality than others.  Perhaps they have a great support group that shrinks their pain down. Maybe they feel loved and understood.  I do not have that and as much as I’ve tried with all my might, I haven’t been able to form one either. I am certain that impacts my pain levels and solitude.

I never really did figure out how to get life quite right, especially the important stuff like relationships.  The pain is just too much and too frequent. I am good at planning though and I’m very responsible so that is the skill set I’ll use in completing my 5 year plan. I feel pretty confident, I can get that right.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

On Being Seen

Choking back my tears , she caressed my face  and said, “promise me you’ll find someone who sees you and let him see the person I see.”

This breakup has been a challenge. There are so many questions left unanswered. I wish he’d have mercy on me and call. He knows how much it hurts. He does it anyway. There are so many mistakes I’ve made in this relationship. That’s not to say it was all my fault,  but it is important to reflect on what you could do differently.

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In fact, all this time away has helped me see a pattern which exists in all my relationships. First, I believe I don’t choose very reliable men. I have a fear of being abandoned buried in my psyche.  Every once in awhile it bubbles up in all its glory for another horrifying look.

I pick men who have a history of leaving the women they’re with and often in humiliating ways. My ex-husband trashed a 20-yr. marriage in the blink of an eye to be with me. There was even a kid involved. When it came to be my turn, he left me just as coldly for someone else that he had been sleeping with. My current ex-boyfriend, screwed around on his wife with more than 10 women behind her back. He even went so far as to bad mouth how “she treated him” to his family in order to get sympathy. Do you think he told his family about his adulterous acts? Hell no. Next thing you know a 10 yr. relationship went down the drain because “he wasn’t happy”. He divorced her!  And now here I am,  left by him without more curteousy than a text message. Coward.

I believe that people can change, but sometimes I give people who don’t deserve it waaaaaay too many chances to prove (in the end) that they couldn’t give a shit about me. It is all about them and their needs.

Why is it that we always want the ones who don’t see us and never the ones who do?

As much as I or anyone has issues, you have to be able to talk with your partner – to go deep and have those vulnerable conversations about how much of a mess you are in parts of your self. That person has to stick around and love you still after that. They can’t disappear. They can’t sort of be there. They have to feel solid.

That was really missing from my last relationship. I hung on for so long hoping it would happen, but ultimately,  he couldn’t hang in there with me. He didn’t see me and he didn’t

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look long enough to even give it a fair try. No, he thought I was damaged. He went to therapy trying to find the right mental illness for me. He trash talked me to my best friend. He “loved” me in facebook with his sweet messages that friends and family would lap up, but he couldn’t manage to even pick up the phone to talk to me half the time.

It was a real mindfuck. On one hand he’d help me out keeping things tidy around the house or paying for this and that, on the other he’d emotionally terrorize me or always threaten to walk out.

I lived in such a state of constant flux, that I never knew what I’d get. He brought out the very worst in me. So many times he triggered past memories of my own child abuse and he’d laugh about it. He’d egg me on, telling me to hit him. It was so ugly.

I felt so on edge all the time. I felt fearful and ready to fight all the time. He would never calm down until he’d run through his rage.  I told him so many times what this does to me and how much it triggers my past, but any apology was temporary. Sooner or later he’d be back at it again. 

The more I think about it, emotionally, that man never showed up to support me. In fact many times he just down right sabotaged me when I need him the most. He was so selfish and needy. Even when I was sick and couldn’t talk after a surgery, he took advantage.

So…in summary…Here’s what I’ve learned:

Step one – pick ’em better.

Step two – be more tolerant of the stuff that doesn’t matter and less tolerant of the red-flag-waving bullshit.

Step three – pick someone who sees me.

…And she let’s out a big sigh and blogs on through this life learning a little more about something everyday….

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

The Road to Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy. We live in a society where any inconvenient thought or feeling is considered “drama.”

How do we find our happy place? Can we plot out our journey with happiness as the final destination? Can we steer clear of the “drama” until we are only sourrounded by people with no needs at all? Will that make us happy?

Avoiding unhappiness, is not the road to happiness

How many times have you heard yourself say, I need to get away? How many times have you walked out on people or situations that challenged you to stay present? How many times have you drunk, smoked, fucked, shopped, etc. too much just to avoid facing the unhappiness in your life? You’re not alone. This is a place where we can stop lying to ourselves, put down the mask and look into the mirror.

People are not happier because they’ve been through so little. They are happy because of how they handled getting through so much. 

Fear: Ah yes! Your fear can kill you from within making you second guess yourself into inaction.  Fearing death makes you afraid to live. To really live is to smile at the face of death and say “thank you for one more day”.

Happiness is in all the moments on the periphery.

It does not come when we try to force it or search for it or put a laser focus on it. It is when we stop looking that we catch glimpses of it out of the corners of our eyes. It is there in the moments we are enjoying a conversation, a play, the birth of our child, a five second orgasm. It is the moment when we confess to another our truth and they say with their eyes, I love you as you are.

Clariry of Purpose is knowing what you’re willing to lose to keep that happiness.

The key to everlasting happiness is knowing what you value the most and relentlessly pursuing it with all your might for the rest of your life.

For example, if the happiness of your spouse makes you happy and s/he is currently suffering, then you will not feel well either. You will feel her pain, suffer with him.  Your happiness will elude you. Therefore, you must work for her happiness directly and your own, indirectly. You see, your smile, your hapiness is the by-product of achieving what you value most – the hapiness of your wife.

Figure out what you value the most, pursue it tirelessly and you will know how to acheive everlasting happiness.

Mine is to be loved and accepted for who I truly am. This has been the main pursuit of my entire life. So goes the name…aneternaltraveler. 

What’s yours?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

No. I’m Not Over it…But I’m Going Out Anyway

Although the prevailing thought seems to be a long healing process post-breakup, I think something can be said for putting yourself out there as soon as you are finished with your first big cry.

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Here’s the thing, at first I would have been in no shape to date anyone after my ex and I broke up. This is mostly because I was bottling it up so tight to avoid feeling. Sure I put up my old dating profile, but was I dating anyone? No. It wasn’t until I broke through my “feelings barrier” that I could move on. Funny enough it was all started because he left a little drawing of a heart in the cap of a new bottle of coffee creamer. When I opened it, I lost it. The flood gates were opened and I spent days getting it all out.

I also took some time to think about what I could have done differently. I will apply those lessons to the next guy.

Meanwhile, back to dating. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates and it is so striking how different it is when you stop trying to “lock something down” with someone. I know in my heart I am so ready to settle down and build a future with a special man. However, I have to chill when I’m on the dates. I get to know who they are and we have fun no matter what. Meanwhile, I can evaluate in the background whether they would suit me as a life partner. If they’re not a fit, nothing was lost and I got to meet someone new.

I am amused with all the different types of guys out there though. For example, last night I went out with someone who I deeply enjoyed conversing with. He was well read, intelligent, funny, curious about me. He really showed some good character traits, like noticing when a disabled woman was trying to exit the building. He jumped right up and asked her if she needed help. It was just as though I could be in my “natural state” with him. I even found myself taking off my shoes and curling up in the chair at the Starbucks after dinner.

Today I enjoyed an afternoon date with someone who piqued my adventurous side by inviting me to an Indiana Jones exhibit (one of my childhood role models who inspried my travel lust). It was really cool to see fact v fiction. This guy was also funny and creative. However, he kept looking at his cellphone during the exhibit, thought that a paragraph description of a display was soooo much to read that it would put him to sleep, and had no interest deeper than the movie memorabilia.  Then we got to the Nazca lines part of the exhibit and he was so into it because it had something to do with aliens. Ummmm…what now? Did you say that you think aliens created the Nazca lines? His response – yes either them or God. I’m sorry…wtf? So science is not an option then? The Nazca people, not an option? Long story short there were alot of dealbreakers here in a row.

The point is that when you aprroach dating as a curiosity towards someone it is different than judging them. You can just say…ok this is how we differ. Then, you have a choice – can you live with the difference or not?  No need to ruin a date. Just leave knowing there won’t be a second one and if he calls to ask you out again, just be woman enough to excuse yourself politely.  Say something like, “I really enjoyed our date (if you did) and I want to thank you again. I just don’t think we mesh on the important stuff so I’m gonna have to decline and wish you the best.” Done. Simple. Grown-up.

What I notice about dating soon after a breakup is that what I want & don’t want is really very clear in my mind. So, for me it makes dating a more intentional process of weeding out because I am focused. At the same time, my approach is open towards getting to know another person as is instead of simply just checking boxes on my list. Who knows? You could just meet some really great guys that you can call friends. At least this way, you make the most out of your own time and energy.

Do I still love my ex? Am I completely over him? Do I have monents where I wish he’d call and make things right? Yes. No. And Yes.

But he doesn’t feel the same way so I have two options – I can wait for a call that may never come or I can continue looking for someone who does love me as much as I love him and who can’t imagine his future without me.

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So here’s to healing this broken heart while continuing to walk one step at a time.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Waiting for Closure: Don’t Put Your Life on Hold

When things end differently than we expect, especially when we’ve invested a lot, it can be really hard to move past the outcome.  The phrase most often heard to describe this is “needing closure”.  In some situations I believe closure can be achieved, in others not so much. Hanging on to getting it in these situations can put your whole life on hold.  And you deserve better than that, don’t you think?  I think you do 🙂

I’ve recently extricategood intentions vs characterd myself out of a really bad relationship that I’ve been hanging onto for about 1 year. It was one of those situations where you keep thinking it will get better because it is “not so hard to fix”. You believe that he will move beyond making promises and finally take action. You think the meanness will stop. I began to hold on to the few moments of happiness in between the pain thinking that the 10% could become 90% if we talked enough. You start asking yourself what you’re doing to cause it or if you’re imagining things because it seems so unreal. I’ve never done such mental gymnastics to be in a relationship in all my life.

it's not personalHe claimed he was here for me, but sabotaged every important moment in my life. He badmouthed me to his family to the point that they hated me and then invited me to drive 6 hrs. to spend Thanksgiving with them. He caused drama in an attempt to come between my best friend. Then, he’d buy me expensive”I’m sorry” gifts as if that should make it all better. He’d tell me how much he wanted to spend his life with me, but could never manage to get past his selfishness to actually include someone else.  As he often reminded me – “I just don’t think about you when you’re not around”. Nice. So, yeah he was here for me, but not in any way that you’d want to have someone around.

I just couldn’t understand how someone could be so consistently hurtful.  It is, after all, so easy to be nice and kind.  The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.  Particularly if you really want to spend your life with someone. I took so much crap from this man.  I didn’t like who I was around him.   He put on a good show in front of friends and family, but in private, I rarely smiled, cried a lot,  didn’t want to be intimate with him in any way.  I was completely unclear why I stayed or invited him back again and again.  Somehow he would always find a way back and it would always be worse the next time.

Finally he had done something so horrible to me while I was heavily turn the page or close the bookmedicated and sleeping, that I was done with giving out chances. But my mind still wanted answers for how someone could behave in such horrific ways. Why, why, why?

So, I wanted to share some thoughts with you that have been helping me move forward even though I have not gotten any answers or asked him to make sense of it for me.

First Lesson: Who Cares?wpid-20140625_161727.jpg
If a person cares about you they would never disrespect and humiliate you – EVER. If they do and you tell them and they don’t do better or feel remorse, this is a reflection of their shitty character.  It is not a judgement of who you are. People who care take care of you especially when you’re weak.

Second Lesson:  Invest Wisely
Sometimes we invest so heavily in someone that we feel we are owed a return on investment. But in fact, it is a lot like the stock market, there is NO guarantee.  Also, there are some “stocks”, like men, that are simply better performers.  They have shown what they’re made of over time. If I had taken his “portfolio” to heart, I’d have walked away from a man who was a serial cheater during his entire marriage, who blamed his ex-wife for his unhappiness, and also bad-mouthed her to his family while never revealing his misdeeds at any time.  After all he started to do the same things to me.  Every time we’d have a fight he was out on the online dating websites trolling for new women to stroke his ego, he’d bad mouth me to his family, and told me that if he ever killed himself, it would be my fault because I make him so unhappy.  Yeah.  Sometimes, you have to cut your losses ladies and admit that you put your trust, time and energy in an undeserving man. Just walk away and learn something that will make you invest more wisely next time.

Third Lesson:  Where’s the Apology…the Explanation?
Waiting for the apology that never comes can be infuriating. It is kind of a waste how much faith and belief I put into a man who has shown no integrity in his thoughts or deeds.  Even though he’s let you down more times than you have fingers and toes to count on, frustrationyou hold out hope that he will care enough about you to suddenly realize how “worth it” you are and rush in like a knight to prevent losing you. I assure you that you ARE worth it. He just is lacking the integrity present in decent human beings. Think of yourself like a placeholder more than a significant person to him and it will make a lot more sense. Anyone who stands in that spot gets that treatment. Trust me, I wanted an explanation for his despicable behavior towards me. An account of how he could bring himself to commit a crime against me. An apology. I didn’t get any of that. Not for days after. Not now. Nothing except complete denial as he walked out and slammed the door at me crying in a heap on the floor. Used and discarded like trash. Good men just don’t do this. Period.  


mean what you promiseIt takes time to get past all this sludge  because we want our hurt, our experience to matter to the one who does the hurting. We want them to feel bad about making us feel bad. We want them to make good on their promises. It is normal and healthy for people to interact in a caring way about people they care about and most people are decent.  For example, I hurt you. I apologize sincerely. I don’t do it again.  You accept.  We move on stronger and deeper. But some people really don’t give a shit about you or your needs or the fact that you are a person with feelings, let alone that you were in a relationship with them.

The thing is that the longer we hold on to our desire for “admission of wrongdoing” from the one who hurt us, the longer they are left in charge of our personal power.  And nobody should have access to that wheel except you should they? No. They shouldn’t. So, let’s just take that back, shall we?

What we really want is to just feel better. We want all the yuckiness to clear out so that we can feel good again. It is more of an internal/emotional shift that we are looking for from another person.turning point

Luckily that is a gift we can give ourselves, much like forgiveness. We have to do it all the time really when you think about it.   We know that the rest of the world, our coworkers, strangers, etc are not responsible for our feelings, right? So, if we apply that to relationship “closure” we don’t really need the other person to help us move on do we? No. We don’t 🙂

I would say instead of trying to deny it or drink, drug, or shop your way out of it……

Do this instead: 

  • Just acknowledge that something sucky happened. Don’t pretend you’re not hurt just so you look all “together”.  That’s just gonna mess you up for interacting with other humans. It doesn’t mean your weak, it means you’re human.
  • Get real about the feelings you have – name them. Are you sad, hurt, humiliated, betrayed, violated*. You get to decide what’s important and significant to you.  Nobody else can tell you what’s real for you or how bad it hurts. Don’t compare yourself to others.
  • Resist the need for outside approval. You don’t need others to validate your feelings.  Learn to accept and acknowledge your own state of being and consider it valuable. This way you can trust what you want and need for yourself. Use your own voice!
  • Learn something as you process this life moment. It will help you make different decisions next time. Nobody’s perfect or has all the answers and that’s ok because we’re designed that way.
  • Finally, give yourself the gift of closure by honoring yourself, remembering you are awesome, and that sometimes other people really suck and that’s not got a darn thing to do with you.

-with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

*If you feel that a crime has been committed against you, I would add to the list that you consider contacting authorities and taking appropriate legal action.