Tag Archives: self-care

Empty promises, dangling carrots, and other forms of general assholery

empty-promisesI have been thinking a lot about people who promise you that they will change but keep stringing you along instead. This can be profoundly painful in romantic relationships.  While we as women love to talk a lot as a way to work through things, we sometimes end up with assclowns who talk up a storm too and never deliver.  One of the major differences between men and women is that men don’t talk  endlessly about what they are going to do. They just do it. When a man wants something, he goes and gets it.  If he says he’s going to make it right, he makes it right.

If you want to know the character of a man look at his ACTIONS. 

For example, if the two of you are still talking about the same issues months down the road that he promised to fix months ago and nothing has been resolved, there’s a bigger problem than you realize. You may be with the dreaded man-who-talks-too-much-and-doesn’t-follow-through. Are you at the point where you are exhausted trying to verbally communicate?  Maybe you can’t understand why he can’t understand. Maybe you’re even screaming at the top of your lungs thinking he’ll hear you better, or keeping yourself up late at night in pointless arguments until you’re too exhausted to speak, or taking some space to recuperate hoping he’ll start to value you more, etc., It’s all just a version of waiting and hoping he’ll give enough of a shit to suddenly turn into a caring, loving man and stop the nonsense.

To quote the great Natalie Lue in her article Even if They’ve Changed it Doesn’t Matter. You’ve Changed Too,

Stop the madness. This isn’t what ‘love’ feels or looks like. They’re just not that special and you’re not that desperate. Love involves a lot of ‘doing’ and without actions that reflect the love, it’s like being cloaked in hot air. Even if they do move on to someone else, this is not how you want love – trying to use an emotional battering ram to squeeze effort out of them that others do willingly.

That last line reallymean what you promise hits me.  “Trying to use an emotional battering ram to squeeze effort out of them that others do willingly“.

I mean if a man says he wants something, he’ll do it. Period. If he tells you, I’ll change this or that. He’ll change it if he values and respects you and doesn’t want to lose you. End of story.  If he doesn’t make good, then you have to value and respect yourself enough to call it quits and walk away.

If you stay when he doesn’t deliver and listen to the excuses and empty promises from men who talk too much, and don’t do enough, then you teach them that their shady behavior and half-assed efforts are good enough to keep you in place. They don’t have to change. They will do the bare minimum to keep you around.  An apology here and there. A promise of a bright future. Offer something they can do in lieu of what you want in order to keep you in a holding pattern.  It’s manipulation.  They hope you’ll think to yourself, “well he did do this nice thing, maybe he’s not that bad.”  Maybe I should hang in a little longer, give him another chance, find a new excuse for him. It also has the nice additional benefit of  ensuring that he keeps you off the market and all to himself. Of course this solidifies his position of bare minimum behavior, because you’re not going anywhere.

All you’re doing is compromising your own happiness by letting him get away with general assholery. Funny how you’re willing to make sacrifices for him that he’s not willing to make for you. 

good intentions vs characterYou deserve to be with a man who wants to do for you and DOES what he SAYS he’ll do.  Words must match actions.  Always look at the ACTIONS of a man. Even if there are NO WORDS. You deserve a man who will appreciate your giving, loving, caring nature.  But you are wasting your time if you’re trying to turn a cockroach into a prince. Let go of the fairytale and go find yourself the real deal.  Remember as the 90’s taught us ladies, you’re not an exception to any rule. He will not suddenly become a better person and your happiness shouldn’t depend on him being someone else. Go find someone else that actually has the characteristics you want.  A good man will have the character of someone who doesn’t play games or talk your ear off with empty promises. He’ll show up right and he wouldn’t risk doing anything that might make you leave. It’s WHO HE IS not who you hope he’ll become.

If he’s not that into you, I guarantee there is someone out there who is.  Release the beast that you’re with and free yourself up to meet your prince. Because if you stick around waiting for change, the only thing that’s going to change is your own self-esteem as you sink lower into a pit of despair and self-hate. You are fabulous and you deserve to be with someone who treats you like he thinks so too.

 

What do you think?

 

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

 

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Write a Love Letter to Yourself: (HINT: The waiting is over ;)

Dear Self,

Please hug yourself more. Accept the beautiful person you are. Please love yourself and nurture your soul.  There will never be another you and another version will never do. Just be YOU.

Do you know that you have a smile that reminds people that joylove letters to myself still exists in this world? When you laugh the child in you comes out to play. Protect her and check-in often. She’ll keep you true to yourself.

Please make choices that honor yourself beyond all else. It’s ok to be lost sometimes.  But if you want to know your purpose when times get hard or confusing —  remember it is what drives you, not just what you can do. Please also remember that no matter what, the love you have for yourself is the most important kind of love there is. Just look inside and you will find the right answer waiting for you.

You are both bright and compassionate. You can trust your heart and mind. Never let anyone try to convince you otherwise. It hasn’t always been easy for you and you are allowed to admit that too. Pat yourself on the back more often, because no matter how down and out, you’ve always made it through.

You have a resiliency that keeps you bouncing back long after others would have laid down for the count.  You are a true champion because you’ve learned what’s worth fighting for and what’s not worth the effort anymore. Never be afraid to stand up for who you are and what you believe in.  Never silence your voice –especially in the face of violence or exploitation.

You are beautiful inside and out. Stay true to who you are. People say you look younger than your age. Somehow, despite all that tough times, you’ve managed to hold on to hope and see the glass half full. You don’t act your age either. What a wonderful thing that is to still believe in magic. Remember what you truly believe always shows through. Your face will always tell the story of YOU.

As you go through life, remember to forgive – yourself and others. You will have to do it often, so develop that skill early and thoroughly.  When you feel like judging yourself or others, just stop. It doesn’t serve you or anyone else.  Try instead to understand others perspectives.

With all that you have learned and everything you are thus far not to mention the places you’ll venture off to, there is no doubt in my heart that you will find all of the true loves you are destined for.  Just keep being YOU and loving the heck out of yourself.

Love,

Myself

— with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Gratitude Challenge Day 30 of 30!!

Gratitude Challenge Day 30 (Final Day) – Gratitude for Myself

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Sometimes it is really hard to talk about yourself. Other times you think that maybe you have so many shortcomings that there’s not much about yourself to be grateful for. If you’ve been through the school of hard knocks you may just be so used to getting knocked around that you’ve forgotten how many times you’ve gotten back up again.

I find that I often only realize the level of determination I possess after I hear somone elses reaction to the stories of my life. I realize how capable, versatile and resiliant I really am. I have the ability to transform myself and adapt to every life change I’ve faced thus far. I feel like I’ve reinvented myself many times over. At the same time, this is the very first time in my life that I know who I am and have accepted myself completely (warts and all).

I’ve learned to respect the hard times I’ve faced because they’ve taught me more about the core of WHO I am. I also appreciate my zest for life and the child-like awe that I’ve kept with me along the way. I love that I can keep smiling even when I’m not feeling that great because I know it feels better than a sad face. I still laugh loudly having never learned to be embarrased by my hearty laughter. I am helpful, kind, compassionate, and filled with love. I am growing and getting to know myself more every day.

I have had to learn to be grateful for the person that I am. It hasn’t been automatic. But as I have gotten to know her better, I’m awfully glad she’s in my corner.

Thank you for coming along with me during this 30 day challenge. I hope that you enjoyed your trip and perhaps were inspired even a little to start a gratitude journey of your own. 

With gratitude from aneternaltraveler 😉

Gratitude Challenge Day 29 of 30

Challenge Day 29 – Gratitude for Self-Care

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One of the biggest challenges I faced after getting divorced 3 years ago was learning how to care for myself. I am not talking about understanding how to pay bills or take a shower. I’m talking about things like how to say ‘NO’ and pampering myself. I am referring to knowing when compromise is no longer an option and walking away is the only right thing left to do.

It is easier said than done. Many times we think we’re taking care of ourselves better than we really are. For example, have you ever listened to the kinds of things you say to yourself in your own head?? If that were an actual person in front of you, would you take that crap? I sure hope not! But that’s the kind of stuff I’m referring to.

While self-care is bubble baths, workouts at the gym and others kinds of me time, it is also learning to be your own best friend no matter what. It is learning to be happily alone – to enjoy your own company.

It has been a long road to get to that point and while I still have my struggles with taking better care of myself, I’m miles ahead of where I used to be.

Now I find myself 3 years later embarking upon a new chapter in my life- I am once again in a serious relationship. This will be a test to see how I manage being together with someone again after learning to care for myself alone. I will have to stay conscious of caring for my needs and expressing them to my partner so I can work to have them met. Afterall, I sure don’t want to lose myself again.

When I care for myself I am better off and so are the people in my life because they witness the real me.

I am no martyr. I am no savior. I have no interest in either job. I am just another messed up person like you trying to find her way in this big mad world. Taking care of myself just means I leave fewer messes behind for others to clean in the wake of my existence.

With gratitude from aneternaltraveler 😉

30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge: Big Results Only 1/2 Way There!

Hey All!

Thought it was a good time to post some more results from my 30 day green smoothie challenge since I am now at the half-way point.

I am ecstatic with what has taken place in just a couple of weeks.  I’m now on Day 16 of 30 and I’ve lost an inch around my waist and an inch around my hips!

I thought I’d share some pics to show you my results thus far 🙂  You’ll notice those not so lovable “love handles” are starting to disappear!

Day 1 - 30 Day Smoothie Challenge.
Day 1 – 30 Day Smoothie Challenge.
Day 15 - 30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge.  Lost 1 in. around waist and hips!
Day 15 – 30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge. Lost 1 in. around waist and hips!

It amazes me how much of a difference it makes in such a short time to replace just one meal (breakfast for me) with a green smoothie.

In addition, because I don’t crave the things I used to, I’ve been eating healthier overall so I’m making different food choices in general.

If you’re curious about what I’ve been using in my smoothies and some of the other foods I now include in my diet as a part of this lifestyle change, well here ya go:

Morning Smoothie:
Choice of green (Kale, swiss chard, spinach) AND
Fruits: 1 each of these three fruits: bananas, mangoes, oranges

Note: Sometimes I also add 1/2 scoop of casein protein powder and 1/2 scoop of whey protein powder to get protein right away in the morning and to keep the hunger at bay.

Other foods recently added to my diet:
avocados
apples
low-fat cottage cheese
100% whole wheat bread
natural peanut butter
honey
watercress
carrots
dates
tuna (canned in water)
turkey bacon
mushrooms
80 calorie 2x protein greek yogurt
lean chicken or turkey
low fat soy milk
eggs (hard-boiled usually cause it’s faster 🙂

….and when I’m lazy Michaelina’s 300-400 calorie frozen dinners, which I’ve found are better to have on hand because they keep you from calling for delivery or heading to the drive through for lunch!  Saves money and calories 🙂

I also drink at least 1/2 gallon of water per day to keep flushing out my system and keep it hydrated.

Though I hate to admit I haven’t been to the gym much in the past two weeks, these results are without exercise!  Imagine what could be lost if that were added.  I’m going to shoot to add exercise in during the next 2 weeks and see what happens.

Green Smoothie will change your lifestyle for the better!!
Green Smoothie will change your lifestyle for the better!!

So, overall 2 weeks into the 30 day green smoothie challenge, I’ve lost inches, gotten better hair skin and nails, have more energy, stopped craving crappy food / ordering delivery, and started to add a whole lot of other healthy foods to my diet.  I find that I eat less than I used to, I’m way more satisfied, and I’m actually craving healthy food.

If you’ve never done this challenge before and you’re looking to make some lifestyle changes, I hope that this convinces you to give it a try.

If you have any questions about making smoothies a part of your day or  if you just want to give me some kudos for changing my lifestyle :), please feel free to leave comments below.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

You Are Ok As Is

Before you read this, make sure that you are in a place where you will be undisturbed for at least 15 minutes.  Pull your car over and sit inside if there is no place at work or home.  Just find a place where you can be alone.

Imagine for a moment that it is the beginning of a new day.  You lay in bed and feel the way the sun warms your face and the way your body has relaxed into your bed. Even though your eyes remain closed they can sense that daylight has come as the brightness seeps through your eyelids. A brand new day is upon us.

Before your first thoughts of the day begin racing through your head, breathe. Really inhale and exhale.  Do this 5 times. Now, feel the weight of your body on the surface beneath you.  With your eyes still closed, smile. Keep the smile on your face and keep breathing slowly.

Sense how beautiful you are when you smile.  Imagine the beauty of your face.  Notice how your whole body feels when you smile. Perhaps a tear comes to your eye since you haven’t thought much about that in a while.

Imagine if at this moment before you even open your eyes and begin your day, you are just right as you are.  Imagine that you are filled with amazing strengths and capabilities.  Imagine that your weakness are less important than your strengths.  Imagine your greatest strengths lie just beneath your weaknesses.  Imagine that you don’t need to be fixed. Imagine that you are not broken.  You are ok as is.

Imagine that you already have all the tools you need to have a great day. Imagine that you can handle whatever comes your way.  Imagine that every person you meet and every situation you find yourself in is temporary.  Imagine that your happiness is as fleeting as your sadness.  It is a moment. It is not permanent.

Imagine smiling when your heart is breaking simply because you know that moments are just that — moments.  And at any moment we choose we can look at something another way.  We can start a chain reaction in our minds, bodies and lives with just a smile.

Go on hold that goofy smile a little longer than it feels natural to do.  You might start laughing. Feel your mind shift. Each breath you take reminds you that your heart is beating, your body is working, your mind is firing away. You are a beautiful, capable, whole and vital being.  You are not broken.  You are still ok as is.

Now, quickly name 5 things you are grateful for while you continue to smile and breathe.  Don’t over-think it. Just name them.

You’ve come into this earth as uniquely as each and every one of us has. You have a purpose on this earth as you are.  There will never be a more perfect version of you than you.  You see the world differently than I do. You share yourself with others differently. You cry about things that I may not and you laugh at things that other people don’t think are funny.  You make love as your body, mind, and spirit guide you to do.  All uniquely you.  You cherish people who love you and you can be hurt by those who harm you too.  But you are still ok as is.

Allow yourself to feel what you do, but remember and never forget that these feelings don’t define you.  They are reactions and reactions can change as we change what we choose to see in our view.  I am me and you are you and each and every day we can only do the best we can do.  There is no more, no less and there is stress when we forget that others have the right to do what they want to do too. But so do you. We look at what we see as limits and we think that is all we can do.  You are not what you think and most of the time we have a limited view.

We respond as we’ve learned to, but there is something we can do.  Let yourself accept yourself as you are.  Don’t try to squash it or fake it or put it in a cake and bake it just to make it more palatable for those around you. You are still ok as is.  Ok as You.

If what you do does not give you the results you want, then change it.  If you don’t know how right now, find a way. You have everything you need to do what you need to do.  And you have what you need to make changes too. As you go on your journey continue to acknowledge that you are still ok as is.  Just simply be willing to change how you do what you do because you want a different result than is coming to you.  That is all.  No judgement, shaming, blaming or guilt.  It doesn’t matter how long the journey is as long as you are on a path towards your goal.

Finally, remember that there will be uncertainty.  We actually control far less than we think.  Happiness in life is directly proportional to how much you can let go of and how comfortable you can become with uncertainty. Trust yourself. You don’t have to know how or when you will get there all at once.  Take one step, then another. Trust. Just trust that you are still ok as is and have everything you need to get to where you want to go.

This is your journey and it all begins with the willingness to take the first step.  Then another and another until you have created the momentum to step without wondering if you can.  Each step, feel the firm ground beneath your feet.  You are safe.  You are enough.  You are ok as is.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

2 Questions to Find Out What You Love to Do

Today at work we had a half-day in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday. This always throws off my schedule of the kids that I regularly work with.  So, I’m left with figuring out where I can be of service.

It struck me today that when I was given the time and the choice at work go where I wanted to help, I make very different choices than when I’m assigned to be somewhere.  The first thing that came to mind was, who do I enjoy working with?  Then, where could I learn something?

I picked the class I wanted to work in and offered my help.  The teachers were grateful and I got to know some other kids better while learning how to work with different developmental disabilities.  I actually enjoyed myself and the time flew by.

All the way home from work, it got me thinking about how so often we ask ourselves what we really want out of life.  Many times though, the choices we make have nothing to do with what we want at all.  We look instead at where we could make more money or status or at commute time, etc.  Today, by way of having to make a decision about what to do with my time at work, I thought instead about what I actually wanted to do for a change and it brought me real joy.

We’ve all heard the expression, do what you love and the money will follow, but how often do we actually find ourselves opening up to notice what that is?  How often do we believe we don’t even have a choice?  We do what we think others expect of us, we worry, we keep busy, but how close is any of this bringing us to finding out what it is we love to do?

There have been many half-days before.  There was nothing extraordinary about it by itself.  I truly believe that what made today different was the fact that I checked-in with my own needs and wants and I finally asked the right questions for me to find that answer.  Finally, this expression resonated with me and I understood how to manifest it in my life.

When you feel lost or think you don’t have choice or that nothing will ever change, it’s time to check-in with yourself.  

To get yourself started, ask and answer 2 questions when your inner critic flares telling you why you can’t or what you have to do.  

1) Is that really true?

2) What are the alternatives?  

Once you see that it is not true and you do have other options, then you can begin to open yourself up to ask what you really want and actually notice what makes you happy.  Then, as the shampoo bottle says, rinse and repeat 🙂 In other words, KEEP doing it as often as you can.

At some point you’ll notice that your life is filled mostly if not entirely with the work and the people you love and you are well provided for instead of feeling like you are a slave to the needs of others.  Now that’s freedom!

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Don't Give Up on Yourself!

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Recently I was in a car accident within a couple of weeks of accepting a brand new job.  I was T-boned on the drivers side and my car was totaled.  I suffered a concussion and sprained my neck.  The doctor told me that because I worked out so much, I got away pretty lucky because my body could sustain the impact better than someone who wasn’t so physically fit.  Still, I had a lot of healing to do.

Leading up to this, I was working out 6 days/week at that time doing a 6 week to shred program (Jim Stoppani’s 6-week Shortcut to Shred…highly recommend it). I was studying to become a personal trainer.  I felt amazing physcially, mentally and emotionally.  Even though my life was hardly in any kind of perfect working order, it felt manageable.

After my car wreck, I couldn’t work out for awhile so that I could heal completely (doctor’s orders).  That was really tough.  I felt like I lost another part of myself.  I continued to work both of my jobs with some days being 13 hrs on my feet.  I’m typically a very highly energetic person, but I was wiped out.  My energy was at an all time low point.  

At some point I think I just gave up on myself.  I stopped working out completely for almost 3 months and ended up on the couch more nights than I’d like to mention ordering delivery.  Sometimes, I’d skip dinner completely and just order 3 pieces of chocolate cake.  It felt like I had no time or energy anymore to do the other things that were important to my well-being.  I just worked and ate, rinse and repeat.  I felt terrible. I had really let myself go.

Today I made up my mind to hit the gym and get started again.  Hell or high water I was going directly after work.  I packed my gym bag the night before and threw it in the passenger seat on my way to work to remind me. I took the advice I give others – even if it is just 20 min. it is better than sitting on the couch.  Do something.  You’ll feel better.

So, I jumped on the arc trainer for 20 minutes.  I still felt ok, so I eyed up the weight area and said longingly, well I guess I could do a few curls. Aerosmith was blasting in my ears and kept me going. Before I knew it I had been there over an hour!!  

As I was driving home, I realized how good I felt in my body and mind again.  When I arrived and set my things down it was chore time. Suddenly, all the little chores that have been pissing me off for the past few months seemed easier and faster to get done.  The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put away, cat litter box scooped, cats fed, dinner made, mail sorted all within less than an hour.  

Sometimes in life, we get so busy that we give up the things that made us feel good.  Sometimes we can let one bad event snowball into a whole bunch of other bad habits. We stop taking care of ourselves and hope we can function on an empty tank.  WE CAN’T!! But you can pick yourself up and get back on track.  One day at a time. Small steps.  You’ll get there again. 

Hitting the gym was a huge part of my life.  It made me feel good in every way.  I released the stress of the day so it didn’t pile up into the next day.  Releasing endorphins helped me relax.  I was physically stronger.  Life went smoother and I could think clearly. Frankly, I was a whole lot more pleasant to be around too!

So when YOU think about giving up those good habits that keep your tank full, think again!  Take care of YOU first and everything else will fall into and out of place.  What’s meant to be there will stay and what you’re meant to let go of will fall away.  

Personally, I got a really good wake up call today and I’m going to keep working out.

What will you do to take care of yourself better ?

Thanks for stopping by…be good to yourself.

— Don’t just be a follower, be a leader.  Leave a comment and start a discussion. — aneternaltraveler