Tag Archives: self-worth

Just Leave Already

mighty-fine-ladies-sex-and-the-city-martini-t-shirt-by-mighty-fine-black-p279-371_imageHow many times have you sat next to your girlfriend while she sobs pitifully into her Cosmo (a la Sex and the City) about the latest guy? You still refused to give her a much needed wake up call. Didn’t you? This goes waaaay beyond – He’s Just Not that Into You! It’s about gathering up your self respect enough that you can tell your girl to opt-out before she loses her own self-respect.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that it can feel good to get at least some of the things you want from a relationship,especially if you’ve been alone for a while. But that doesn’t mean you’re getting what you need to make it last.

I’m all for letting the guy know if you don’t like something or what your preferences are. That’s just good communication. But here’s the thing, if he agreed to make the adjustment and you don’t see any improvement over a reasonable period of time, you’re probably not going to get further by telling him the same thing more often. Unless disappointment and empty promises are what you’re after.

Unless you’re dating a complete moron (which begs the question of why you’d be interested in him to begin with), he is capable of understanding the words that are coming out of your mouth. He would WANT to listen and make you happy if he were able and if he gave a flying fancy about you.

You don’t have to resort to scare tactics – threaten him, get all passive aggressive or break up to make your point. In fact if you are doing any of these things for that reason, please get real and understand that it is not sustainable or healthy to keep going on like this. If he suddenly promises to change when you make these threats but not when things are “normal”, then you know you’ve got a solid reason to opt-out. There is nothing to “FIX”. Nothing better to look forward to. Just honor the waving red flags, gather up your self-respect and get out of Dodge.

buh byeopt-out
noun
an instance of choosing not to participate in something.

Here’s the clincher – it doesn’t matter WHY!?! It doesn’t matter if he’s into you, not into you, has a tough day, week, year, life, childhood or is just not able to give you what you need. What matters is that YOU know what YOU need and you say buh-bye to someone who doesn’t meet those needs. Boom! Ta-Da! Done! There’s the magic! The Rabbit has left the hat!

–<3 with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

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Failure Guaranteed. Success Optional.

I would say my biggest struggle throughout my life has been not feeling like I was good enough.  I plugged along anyway and got things done, but I always wondered what it would feel like to accomplish those things without that crippling handicap. There is some part of me that still is not sure if I’m worth the trust I place in myself. I’ve been knocked around a lot and it gets harder to get up each time.  I always do, but I never quite heal fully.

There are times when I’ve held on to relationships longer than I should have just because I felt safer having a second person as a back up plan to myself.

I’ve pretended not to feel bad to my “support network” because I learned that I couldn’t count on people to stick around when the going got tough. 

I believed that there was something so flawed about me that I couldn’t even correct it.  I imagined that others found it so repulsive that eventually, they’d stop liking me (if they ever really did), stop wanting to be around me, and finally leave me.

I realize now that I had learned not to trust myself or others.  Instead, I taught myself to be self-sufficient to a fault. I taught myself to rely on no one. To hide myself and quietly toll along.

A part of me hoped I would arrive at some destination where everything would fall into place – I’d be successful and people would really like me, hear me, and stay for a change.

I realize now that I had taught myself to believe that no matter what I accomplished in life, it was because of a force outside of myself and it had nothing to do with me. Yet I was always responsible for the failures.  Interesting how that works!

When you don’t know how it works, it all seems like magic!

You hope that success in one area equals success in all areas by proxy. Sort of like believing that if you get that promotion you’ve been working for, you’ll also magically lose weight, get in shape, get great friends, and find the someone of your dreams. When only one of those things happen because it was the only one you were putting effort into, it can feel disappointing if you believe that mainly outside forces control the outcomes in your life. It can seem like with all the good energy being put into the universe, all your wishes should come true even if you didn’t do anything more than wish.

I think one of the hardest things to give up is a fear of your own success.

Yes! You heard me right.  Fear of Success. We can actually become comfortable with our lives and our ingrained thought processes even when they do us no good.  If you’re afraid of succeeding you can often sabotage your efforts to keep yourself stuck in place. It’s a bit like an addiction. You do it compulsively even though you know better. Giving it up is a major stressor. It forces you to rethink everything in your life.

That’s just hard because the brain likes predictable things to work with.  It likes to think as little as possible. So, you’re literally messing with your own head when you force it to change the message based on how you look at your accomplishments.

You can’t keep reasonably telling yourself you’re a worthless, no good, failure when you keep succeeding. And especially because despite that awful voice in your head, you’ve succeeded! That’s really a feat to be proud of!

Letting yourself be proud means letting go of the tapes in your head that trained you to believe otherwise about yourself.

When it all boils down it sometimes helps me to remember that failure is guaranteed. Success is optional.

I’ll write more in future blogs about the fear of failure vs. the fear of success so it can be a more expanded discussion. I just wanted to get this out.

with love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Self-Love is NOT the Cure for Self-Hate

A step in the journey to self-love - Camino de Santiago.
A step in the journey to self-love – Camino de Santiago.

Self-love is not the cure for self-hate, it is the result of a healing process.

You must make your mind up that you will love yourself, but then go through the healing process. Most people just wear a mask of fake self-love or pretend to be selfless, but that’s not what it is.

You can’t fake it till you make it. You have to do the work to get to the other side. There are no shortcuts.

Here’s my 5 step plan. It’s what I did. It worked for me. It may work for you too.

Cry if you have to cry

If you’re in pain just admit it and mourn it properly. Stop trying to deny it. Stop taking it out on other people. Just take some private time and admit you’re pissed about your dad, mom, upbringing, how you feel shorted, spoiled, at whatever disadvantage, feel victimized, abused, unheard, ugly, whatever it is. Cry it out as far as you can. Then, dry your eyes and go do something else that’s comforting and nurturing. Take a bath, a run, a ride on a bike or in your car, put on your favorite music, call a friend, read a book, jump up and down or do a happy dance. You just got real with yourself, mourned it, and let it be. You don’t need to dwell on it all damn day.

Stop Being Selfish

You spend all day long thinking of just yourself. Oh I hate myself, I suck, I’m not worthy, nobody likes me, everybody thinks I’m a loser, I have no friends…and on and on.
Turn off the broken record and go help someone out. Become a volunteer at an organization for people who are way worse off than you. I bet you probably have a home, food, a nice place to sleep, some money in your pocket. Lots of people don’t.

Challenge yourself with something that will prove to yourself what you’re capable of

I took a walk across a country for 500 miles to show myself what I was made of instead of continuing to assume I’m not capable. I just stopped my bitching and got moving. It scared the shit out of me. I did it anyway.  Just that move showed me that I was courageous. What can you do to put yourself in that position? Because right now I’m sure you just have a long list of reasons why you suck and things you’re not good at. Why not find something that would test whether that’s true? Something where you’d have to make it work and prove yourself to yourself. I guarantee you will pleasantly surprise yourself.

Do little things that consistently make you feel good and proud of yourself

Some of the things that make me feel content are not in any way exciting sounding. In fact they are pretty mundane and ordinary, but they make me feel good inside. For example, I really like making sure my kitchen is clean. I like when I manage to cook a healthy meal and eat at home even when take out tempts me. I like when my cat eats all her food and is active and healthy. It makes me feel like I’m doing a good job of caring for another being. I feel loved for it in return (in the way only a cat can show:) I like when I have my best friend over and we talk even for a few minutes because I feel connected and enjoy exchanging ideas and humor over life’s adventures. I love bubble baths and when take care of myself and get enough sleep so I am ready for the next day. So you see, it doesn’t have to be some expensive thing or big ta-da – you don’t need surround sound in your living room or a better satellite package, you don’t need stuff. You need to do things that you feel good about. That make you feel proud of yourself. Things you can do everyday.

Maybe you’re right 

Maybe people don’t like you. Maybe you’re a genuine pain in the ass. Maybe you don’t take responsibility for your life and your actions. Maybe YOU need to change that instead of asking people to feel sorry for you. Maybe there really are good reasons why you feel these things. Maybe you’re putting your energy into manipulating people and whining instead of healing yourself. Maybe you should get off your ass and make the necessary adjustments to be a better person to the people around you and for the world you live in instead of waiting passively for someone to come along who “gets you” and makes you falsely feel “all better”.

The healing process sucks. I’m not going to lie. But what’s the alternative? — Keep bleeding out all over yourself and others? C’mon. I know you can do better than that. You deserve more than that. Go get it!

–with love from aneternaltraveler 😉