Fly into the Light, Butterfly

Like a worm in a cocoon we are unaware of the transformation taking place until the moment we emerge a butterfly.

As the season that represents the hopes and dreams of the world is upon us once again, I find myself  filled with a hope and joy in my life I haven’t felt since 2003. 12 years in the making. I nearly gave up many times. It has been a long journey; at times very painful. Nonetheless, I have finally arrived. Today, I realized it all at once.

I haven’t been on a solo travel adventure  in some time.  As I left my house this morning my luggage lightly packed to leave room for possibilities, I stood on my front porch and taking a deep breath I thought – you’re really happy aren’t you?

I am at peace.  I finally care about something again.  In my teaching, I have purpose.  They help me be a better person and I help them too. I have great friends. I haven’t found that one special guy yet, but I’m enjoying dating 4 different men of interest in the meanwhile 🙂  I make a good salary finally and found a way to make extra money and paid off all my student loans.  I am debt free.  In 3 months I took my 7th graders to great success in an engineering competition where they were 5 of only 12 students in two counties to be awarded “outstanding engineers” and have lunch with the Chief Scientist of NASA. My life is on the rise again after fighting in the trenches so long. 12 long years.

I’m estranged from my mother who left me on Mother’s day, yet to return again. I have made peace with her choice and learned there are some things you cannot control.  One of those things is how people choose to behave and interact with the world.  Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to let them go. Many times she asked me to leave her life. I wasn’t listening.  Now I hear loud and clear.  At about the same time my ex-boyfriend had left and my pet of 16 years died.  The timing of those two relationships ending was the peak of the tragedy over these 12 years. I spent much of the summer recovering from two big blows. I was really alone with myself once again.

After I came out of it all, I began to map out how I wanted the future to look. I became very clear on what I would and would not accept into my life. I thought a lot about what I wanted to focus on.  I made a plan. I stayed focused.  And you know what? I’ve been knocking it out of the park.  My goals are from my soul so working towards them feels in harmony with who I am.  When I FEEL that connection, I know I’m on the right path.

I also made the choice to have a serious talk with my doctor to manage a debilitating health concern when I finally couldn’t continue to have any quality of life without beginning medication. It is something that no one knows about and I’ve kept private for a very long time.

“Coming out”, if you will, freed my soul and allowed me to accept the whole me. Walking into the sunlight helped me love myself better.  In the end seeking treatment instead of suffering all these years was a great act of self-love.  Everyday I am happy I made the choice and my only wish is that I had made it sooner. That conversation with my doctor saved my life.

So, now I head to the red rocks and sunshine of health-conscious Sedona to introduce myself to the world of butterflies.  A new beginning; surrounded by some of the best of natures’ creation, I will spread my newborn wings and fly towards that which brings joy, peace, and health.  I look forward to witnessing the vastness of the Grand Canyon and drinking in the elixer of possibility seeing both my smallness and my greatness at once.

As  I go into the new year, I have but one resolution – to keep flying towards the light.

—- With love this holiday season from aneternaltraveler ❤

Gratitude Challenge Day 28 of 30

Challenge Day 28 of 30 – Gratitude for Letting Go

I was just talking to my boyfriend about my belief that we meet who we are meant to when we need them the most. As I reminisced about the Camino, I reflected on such a meeting with a wonderful Italian woman, Giada, who was also divorced and searching for a way to drop her burdens during this journey.

Often you meet someone who has experienced something like you, but offers a twist in perspective. That’s where the learning comes from. She was in a lot of pain inside, just like me, but she also had a real zest for life and looked for pleasure in each day. I really liked the way she did that and I missed the part of me that used to do that too. Somewhere along the way I became so heavy that taking on fun felt like excess energy I couldn’t spare.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that joining her in finding the pleasures of the day was one of the things that actually lightened my load.

I am grateful for being able to finally let go. I’m grateful for the people who have helped me do so along the way, and finally for the new found lightness that allows me to add only what I want to carry.

With gratitude from aneternaltraveler 😉

Gratitude Challenge Day 27 of 30

Challenge Day 27 of 30 – Gratitude for Kindness

Never ask yourself if the kindness of strangers is an accident. Everything happens for some reason. In that moment you needed to be reminded that you are seen and loved. Kindness between two or more people is another way to say friendship. It is the fastest way to make a stranger a friend.

Kindness to oneself is an act of love so profound that the rays of your self-acceptance stretch out so wide that they touch others and tenderly give them permission to be who they are too.

Kindness requires compassion. Compassion is the root of love. Every kindness we offer is the manifestation of love.

To whom will you extend your loving kindness today? How will you manifest love in your life?

I am grateful to have the knowlege that there is a very practical way to show love to everyone and anyone no matter the walk of life or the conflict you may find yourself in. Even cooler — Anyone can do it.

Just be kind. Repeat.

With gratitude from aneternaltraveler ; )

Gratitude Challenge Day 24 of 30

Challenge Day 24 of 30 – Gratitude for Intention

If you’re anything like me, you grew up with the expression, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Then, a few decades later “The Secret” turns us on our heads with the idea that “what we believe we conceive.”  All of a sudden those very intentions ARE the core ingredient to success. What’s more, if we have good ones, we may not end up in hell after all!  So, what gives?

This was one of the conflicts I wrestled with before I could accept the “law of attraction” in my life.  I grew up learning to take responsibility for my actions.  The point my parents tried to get across wasn’t – you are what you think, it was about what you did.

As I thought about it, I realized that when you decide what you want in your life and get clear on your goals, it is easier to get rid of what doesn’t work.  Just by focusing on what you want relentlessly, you reject by default those things that don’t support your vision.  As you think about what you do want and really concentrate on it, you naturally take actions to achieve your desires. The better you get at linking thoughts and actions, the more efficient the process becomes.  Your life becomes a snowball of your thoughts leading to actions which create results.   

So, if your intentions are negative, even if they are rooted in a less conscious belief system, your actions will create the results that match your thoughts.  Ultimately, our brain wants things to make sense.  It is how we move through the world without constantly feeling shocked and panic by every new thing we encounter.  We try to organize the data we receive and normalize it.  So, if it makes sense for you to have a negative outcome, you will think and do what makes that possible.  Same story if you believe that the outcome should be positive.  You will do what it takes to achieve that result.

When I came to realize this connection, I saw that thought is very important, but alone (intention) is not enough. You need to take action when opportunity arises in order to get a result.  So it seems that the best thing we can do is some prep work to get our thoughts straight and our belief system aligned to the results we want.  Otherwise, we’re just spending a lot of time and money fooling ourselves that anything will change.

In summary, I am grateful for 4 things related to intentions:

a) the road to hell is NOT in fact paved with good intentions, it is paved with inaction
b) we can change our lives whenever we make the decision to do so
c) what we believe determines our range of actions 
d) intention + action changes your life

—— With gratitude from aneternaltraveler 😉

 

Gratitude Challenge Day 19 of 30

Challenge Day 19 of 30 – Gratitude for something that fills me with love

Whenever my cat snuggles with me and purrs

A good song

Feeling the flow when I’m playing an instrument or singing

Unexpected kindness

Being listened to empathetically

Being surprised with the perfect gift

When someone saves me time

Being accepted completely and shown love unconditionally

When someone pitches in to help before they have to be asked

Quality time

There are many more but I am satisfied that the list is already so long 🙂

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Just Do You

Many of us have experienced the feeling of hope curdling into disappointment.  How about when you show up to a job with the eagerness of a kid in a candy store, bring your qualifications and experience and suddenly this awesome opportunity turns sour because your boss or coworker begins belittling, disrespecting and generally humiliating you? 

To say the least, you’re torn in two.  One part of you wants to say F-off!  Another part is still trying to figure out how to hang on despite the turn of events because you want / need to do the job so badly.  So what can you do?

Let me give you an example of something that I recently experienced and share what I decided to do.

While I was excited about the opportunity to work with a trainer who had a lot of experience in the business, after a couple of meetings, that excitement turned into a mixture of anxiety and disgust.

I watched him interact with other clients during a group class and I was disappointed by the disrespectful tone in which I heard him address people.  Picture this, there I am cycling away like a little gerbil while watching him bully his “target” until they would give in and stop protesting.  Needless to say my motivation dropped significantly after this.  I started to question what this guy’s training philosophy was.

After the class, I asked him if he could give me an idea of what the plan was for working together as I understood he would provide the clients, take a cut and I’d train them. When I asked him during the first meeting I couldn’t really get a straight answer, so I tried again. 

This is when he decided to trash my credentials, belittle my training experience, and tell me that nobody trains his clients until they’ve learned “his” way.  As if this weren’t enough he went on to say that I need to think about whether I want to work with him since I seem like I think I know it all and want to start my own business. 

I called him on his claims and he had nothing to back it up.  I also reminded him that he already knew I had my own clients, so why is it a problem now when it wasn’t 2 days ago?  Again, nothing.

We were supposed to meet in a few days after I checked out another gym where I’d be training some clients.  As time went on, I couldn’t shake this sick feeling building up inside of me.  I tried everything I could think of to make it ok somehow, but I couldn’t work it out in my head. 

Basically, it came down to a few of decision making questions:

1.  Q.  Even if he were respectful on the next meeting, would I be ok working with him on a        
           continuous basis?
     A.  No. Because if a person can switch that much in personality from one meeting to the next,
          it’s a set up for a world of hurt.

 2.  Q.  Are our training philosophies compatible?
      A.  No. I believe in training people utilitizing positive reinforcement and encouragement.  I’m
          tough but in a way that I show you that you can do more than you think.  He on the other  
          hand thinks that “breaking someone down” to get them to submit to his every whim is the
          way to get results.

3.  Q.  Is this the only opportunity I will have to work with a well experienced trainer in my career?
     A.  Not if I don’t want it to be. 

I think that number 3 is what trips a lot of people up.  This was actually my hardest one.  It is this feeling of foreboding that if you don’t make this work, then there will be no other chance.  It’s fatalistic thinking.  As if you should take the abuse and somehow you’ll be better off in the end if you just “hang in there”. 

This is about the time, you have to reach deep down and dig up your last shred of self-respect and walk the hell away ASAP.

It took me three days of contemplating, before I let him know, that this is not going to be a good fit and I need to cancel our next appointment. 

Am I disappointed? Yes.
Do I feel better having held on to my values?  No doubt. 
Do I know what’s next? Absolutely not! 

I want to be the best trainer I can be, but I am not willing to compromise my integrity or values because then I’m really not my best after all.

I believe that when you draw a line in the sand and stand up for who you are, eventually, you are surrounded mostly by like minded people who help you get where you want to go and feel good along the way.

What’s your take?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

You Are Ok As Is

Before you read this, make sure that you are in a place where you will be undisturbed for at least 15 minutes.  Pull your car over and sit inside if there is no place at work or home.  Just find a place where you can be alone.

Imagine for a moment that it is the beginning of a new day.  You lay in bed and feel the way the sun warms your face and the way your body has relaxed into your bed. Even though your eyes remain closed they can sense that daylight has come as the brightness seeps through your eyelids. A brand new day is upon us.

Before your first thoughts of the day begin racing through your head, breathe. Really inhale and exhale.  Do this 5 times. Now, feel the weight of your body on the surface beneath you.  With your eyes still closed, smile. Keep the smile on your face and keep breathing slowly.

Sense how beautiful you are when you smile.  Imagine the beauty of your face.  Notice how your whole body feels when you smile. Perhaps a tear comes to your eye since you haven’t thought much about that in a while.

Imagine if at this moment before you even open your eyes and begin your day, you are just right as you are.  Imagine that you are filled with amazing strengths and capabilities.  Imagine that your weakness are less important than your strengths.  Imagine your greatest strengths lie just beneath your weaknesses.  Imagine that you don’t need to be fixed. Imagine that you are not broken.  You are ok as is.

Imagine that you already have all the tools you need to have a great day. Imagine that you can handle whatever comes your way.  Imagine that every person you meet and every situation you find yourself in is temporary.  Imagine that your happiness is as fleeting as your sadness.  It is a moment. It is not permanent.

Imagine smiling when your heart is breaking simply because you know that moments are just that — moments.  And at any moment we choose we can look at something another way.  We can start a chain reaction in our minds, bodies and lives with just a smile.

Go on hold that goofy smile a little longer than it feels natural to do.  You might start laughing. Feel your mind shift. Each breath you take reminds you that your heart is beating, your body is working, your mind is firing away. You are a beautiful, capable, whole and vital being.  You are not broken.  You are still ok as is.

Now, quickly name 5 things you are grateful for while you continue to smile and breathe.  Don’t over-think it. Just name them.

You’ve come into this earth as uniquely as each and every one of us has. You have a purpose on this earth as you are.  There will never be a more perfect version of you than you.  You see the world differently than I do. You share yourself with others differently. You cry about things that I may not and you laugh at things that other people don’t think are funny.  You make love as your body, mind, and spirit guide you to do.  All uniquely you.  You cherish people who love you and you can be hurt by those who harm you too.  But you are still ok as is.

Allow yourself to feel what you do, but remember and never forget that these feelings don’t define you.  They are reactions and reactions can change as we change what we choose to see in our view.  I am me and you are you and each and every day we can only do the best we can do.  There is no more, no less and there is stress when we forget that others have the right to do what they want to do too. But so do you. We look at what we see as limits and we think that is all we can do.  You are not what you think and most of the time we have a limited view.

We respond as we’ve learned to, but there is something we can do.  Let yourself accept yourself as you are.  Don’t try to squash it or fake it or put it in a cake and bake it just to make it more palatable for those around you. You are still ok as is.  Ok as You.

If what you do does not give you the results you want, then change it.  If you don’t know how right now, find a way. You have everything you need to do what you need to do.  And you have what you need to make changes too. As you go on your journey continue to acknowledge that you are still ok as is.  Just simply be willing to change how you do what you do because you want a different result than is coming to you.  That is all.  No judgement, shaming, blaming or guilt.  It doesn’t matter how long the journey is as long as you are on a path towards your goal.

Finally, remember that there will be uncertainty.  We actually control far less than we think.  Happiness in life is directly proportional to how much you can let go of and how comfortable you can become with uncertainty. Trust yourself. You don’t have to know how or when you will get there all at once.  Take one step, then another. Trust. Just trust that you are still ok as is and have everything you need to get to where you want to go.

This is your journey and it all begins with the willingness to take the first step.  Then another and another until you have created the momentum to step without wondering if you can.  Each step, feel the firm ground beneath your feet.  You are safe.  You are enough.  You are ok as is.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Getting Comfortable with Uncertainty

Today I was thinking about how often we try to force things to arrive at a specific outcome. More often than not we become really frustrated — regardless of whether we achieve our stated goal.

It is as if we are uncomfortable trusting that things will work out as they are meant to. We need added security that we will get what we set out for. So we push and we demand and worry and plan far ahead for any eventuality we may encounter. 

We end up missing out on the experience of the journey in an attempt to “control” things that are beyond our control. We rarely appreciate the present moment for what it has to offer because we are 10 steps ahead in a reality that hasn’t even occured or may not ever occur.

Let’s say you have a dream you want to turn into reality. If you are seriously ready to pursue it you’ll start doing research,  networking & making connections with others who have done what you want to do.  Imagine you meet someone who could be your mentor but you’re not sure where this relationship will lead you or when you’ll be paid to do the work you love.

This is where the choice to trust & accept uncertainty (live in the present moment) vs. forcing an outcome (living in the future) comes into play.

If you trust yourself and trust the person your working with and you seem to be headed towards your dream, why ruin it with predictions?

Can you honestly say that there has ever been a time in your life where forcing something has ever turned out for the best? Did you enjoy the journey? I highly doubt it.

On the other hand, recall a time where you were doing something you loved and got lost in the flow of it. Did you worry what would happen next or how far ahead you’d get or how much money you’d make? Nah…you probably just lost track of time doing what you’re passionate about and you felt great afterwards. You were in the zone, fully in the present moment, lovin life.

Your happiness in life is directly proportional to the level of uncertainty you are comfortable with.

People who are comfortable with uncertainty stay in the present moment. They trust themselves & those around them who are sharing their path. They believe that they are exactly where they are meant to be at this moment. They’ve turned in their dream to the universe and trusted that it would provide  answers about what to do next when the time was right. They don’t preoccupy themselves with worry because they know that it doesn’t change anything to do so . They accept that all they have to do is act when that time comes.  Meanwhile, they enjoy each step along the way with joy and gratitude.

Remember, comfort with uncertainty is not the same as complacency.  You still have to act when the time is right. 

I’m bringing across the idea that when we force something or worry, all we are really saying is that we are really low on trust & refuse to live in the moment. We miss out on all the good stuff life has to offer and diminish our hapiness in life. 

It’s either doing that and being miserable or becoming comfortable with uncertainty and radiating  happiness & joy from one moment to the next.

Totally up to you.

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Just Do It (woosh ;)

It’s taken me over a year of working in a gym & being asked by members to train them after they saw the intensity & results of my workouts, just to work up the courage to become a certified personal trainer.

I promised myself I’d make this happen by the end of 2013. On December 30th 2013, I passed the test with flying colors and it was official.

My next obstacle was finding the courage to follow-through on the leads I’d gotten for clients.

Since I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes in 2014 to stay positive, find the courage to act despite my fears & create the life I want, I realized this was going to be my chance to put my money where my mouth is and make it happen.

So I picked up the phone, sent out those emails & texts and gave it everything I got to follow through on those leads. Feel the fear, do it anyway!

You know what happened? I got a client who signed up for 6 months of training 3 days a week with me! I also passed a pre-screening interview  with a master trainer who’s been in the business 35 years & has trained Olympic athletes. We’re meeting face-to-face on Wed. to discuss how we can work together on training a wide variety of clients!

The point is this – no matter how much you study or how scared you feel, at some point all your effort only counts when you make a move and keep making them.

Sometimes that move is a real leap of faith. For example, I have no idea where all these opportunities will lead. I am nervous. But without a doubt, I’m sure to learn something of value.

Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable. Do you know what I mean by this?

Too often low self-esteem or sense of perfectionism, or fear of capability is lurking behind our unwillingness to take a leap; a risk on ourselves.

Here’s a secret..

You’ll never be perfect. You will be afraid sometimes. You will feel insecure. You will fail. You will succeed. You will always have something to learn. You are more capable than you realize.

You’re allowed to feel all that and go for your dreams anyway. If you wait until you’re 100% sure, you’ll never get off the ground.

So go ahead…take a risk..screw it up…get back up..because you learned something…be proud of yourself…some people never even try…let them laugh from the sidelines..let ’em try to tell you how the game is played while you’re the one getting bloodied up in the ring.

I was amazed with what happened when I took a risk on myself; when I moved my potential into action. I couldnt help but imagine where I’d already be if I took that risk 1 year ago when first felt it?

What are you holding yourself back from? What could your life look like if you made a move? What are you waiting for?

With love from aneternaltraveler 😉

Out with the Old, In with the New

You know how Facebook now shows you your “Year in Review”?  It got me thinking about how easy it is to forget all of the little and big things you really accomplish in a year.  When you’re stuck in the day to day, sometimes you can get into a pattern of beating yourself up and forget that you are in fact moving forward and growing after all.

So, I sat down and wrote out my TOP 15 LIST of things I’m proud of.  It turned out 10 wasn’t enough.  Who knew?

TOP 15 LIST of ACCOMPLISHMENTS 2013

1. Quit Smoking after 15 years (9 months and counting!)
2. Got a new job
3. Bought a brand new car
4. Became a Certified Personal Trainer
5. Hit a milestone for bench squat weight
6. Redid my kitchen and basement DIY style 🙂
7. Had a blast with my college roomate who i hadn’t seen in 10 years
8. Spent part of the summer with my sister and niece
9. Visited Portland with the help of a new friend
10. Fell in and out of love more times than i can count
11. Made 2 true friends
12. Reconnected with my family
13. Saw Maroon 5 thanks to my mom’s ability to win tickets for anything from the radio 🙂
14. Started a blog that I care about and managed to have people follow it (thank you!!)
15. Have begun to love who I am warts and all and accept other people as they are too

When I looked at the list I thought, wow I really don’t give myself enough credit or see the whole picture.  I’m way too often bogged down by negative feelings like there’s some dark cloud over my head.

I wondered how much more I could appreciate my days if I had an attitude of gratitude. How much further could I get with that kind of mindset?

So, on the heels of my TOP 15 LIST (see below), I’m going to go into this New Year with another kind of list and a whole other focus. I don’t want to let another year go by without noticing and appreciating the positive impact I’m making in my life and the lives of others.  I don’t want to wait until the end of it to enjoy it.

I’m letting go of my negative attitude and going to do everything I can to pay attention and acknowledge the positives.

TOP 15 GOALS FOR 2014

1. Write down my gratitude list daily 
2. Repeat my positive affirmations consistently
3. Develop my personal training business into a big success
4. Improve all my relationships
5. Eat healthy
6. Exercise daily
7. Meditate daily
8. Smile no matter what
9. Acknowledge my unique talents & love myself better
10. Open up & risk trusting myself and others again
11. Laugh everyday
12. Follow my passions relentlessly, no matter how many times I may fail, get back up
13. Take a trip overseas
14. Assist those in need
15. Love like my life depends on it 🙂

So there you have it and now you can hold me to it!  It’s pretty big for me to make these kinds of changes and I’m not going to lie it scares me, but I guess it’s a sign that I’m on the right track.

As you go into this New Year, what do you want to say goodbye to and what do you want to open the door to?

Happy New Year from aneternaltraveler 😉