Like a worm in a cocoon we are unaware of the transformation taking place until the moment we emerge a butterfly.
As the season that represents the hopes and dreams of the world is upon us once again, I find myself filled with a hope and joy in my life I haven’t felt since 2003. 12 years in the making. I nearly gave up many times. It has been a long journey; at times very painful. Nonetheless, I have finally arrived. Today, I realized it all at once.
I haven’t been on a solo travel adventure in some time. As I left my house this morning my luggage lightly packed to leave room for possibilities, I stood on my front porch and taking a deep breath I thought – you’re really happy aren’t you?
I am at peace. I finally care about something again. In my teaching, I have purpose. They help me be a better person and I help them too. I have great friends. I haven’t found that one special guy yet, but I’m enjoying dating 4 different men of interest in the meanwhile 🙂 I make a good salary finally and found a way to make extra money and paid off all my student loans. I am debt free. In 3 months I took my 7th graders to great success in an engineering competition where they were 5 of only 12 students in two counties to be awarded “outstanding engineers” and have lunch with the Chief Scientist of NASA. My life is on the rise again after fighting in the trenches so long. 12 long years.
I’m estranged from my mother who left me on Mother’s day, yet to return again. I have made peace with her choice and learned there are some things you cannot control. One of those things is how people choose to behave and interact with the world. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to let them go. Many times she asked me to leave her life. I wasn’t listening. Now I hear loud and clear. At about the same time my ex-boyfriend had left and my pet of 16 years died. The timing of those two relationships ending was the peak of the tragedy over these 12 years. I spent much of the summer recovering from two big blows. I was really alone with myself once again.
After I came out of it all, I began to map out how I wanted the future to look. I became very clear on what I would and would not accept into my life. I thought a lot about what I wanted to focus on. I made a plan. I stayed focused. And you know what? I’ve been knocking it out of the park. My goals are from my soul so working towards them feels in harmony with who I am. When I FEEL that connection, I know I’m on the right path.
I also made the choice to have a serious talk with my doctor to manage a debilitating health concern when I finally couldn’t continue to have any quality of life without beginning medication. It is something that no one knows about and I’ve kept private for a very long time.
“Coming out”, if you will, freed my soul and allowed me to accept the whole me. Walking into the sunlight helped me love myself better. In the end seeking treatment instead of suffering all these years was a great act of self-love. Everyday I am happy I made the choice and my only wish is that I had made it sooner. That conversation with my doctor saved my life.
So, now I head to the red rocks and sunshine of health-conscious Sedona to introduce myself to the world of butterflies. A new beginning; surrounded by some of the best of natures’ creation, I will spread my newborn wings and fly towards that which brings joy, peace, and health. I look forward to witnessing the vastness of the Grand Canyon and drinking in the elixer of possibility seeing both my smallness and my greatness at once.
As I go into the new year, I have but one resolution – to keep flying towards the light.
—- With love this holiday season from aneternaltraveler ❤